Good bye 2010

Or should I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!
2010 was..... Craptastic.

I had this big post planned about all the things that happened in 2010. all the garbage, all the shots, wandings, visits to the doctor, death and destruction.

but really, i just don't want to dwell on bad stuff.

2011 is finally here. i am ready. i am excited. and i am moving forward. 2011 will be better. it will be great!!

so to you, all my blog sister i say "thanks" thanks for being there. holding my hand, and sharing your stories. i don't think i would have made it without you.

and also, i'm not speaking to you til next year!! ;D

hope

i don't think it is possible to completely erase TTC from my brain. i mean really we have been doing it for so long that it happens to just be part of the routine.

i get alerts regarding my cycle via mymonthlycycles.com. they email me when i am about to ovulate, and also when AF is on her way. i have been using this website to track AF for ever..... before we got married i started using it to make sure i didn't get knocked up (if i only knew).
also, to say we are not trying is not completely true. i mean we aren't taking any precautions.
i think it would be crazy to not at least do what we can.

so i get the email about ovulation, which after 47 cycles is usually pretty close to accurate, and then we do our part :) i know this is not an exact...... i am not using opk's. i am not tracking my temp. i am not doing anything that would actually confirm an ovulation, but really, by this point i kinda know what my body is telling me....

and then i sort of forget about it. until around CD 24.

today is CD 26. i got an email this morning saying that AF should be showing her head tomorrow. (also, usually pretty accurate, when my body is not pumped full of fertility drugs)
i don't know if she is coming..... i have felt a little crampy. there is just a little part of me that is worried i haven't been taking a prenatal and i have had a couple drinks this week. a little shred of hope that would love to surprise DH when he gets home from Chicago on saturday with a miracle positive.

i know there isn't much of a chance...... but i can't not hope.

100th post

I have thought a lot about this post, and what I would say..... I had so many ideas, so many memories. But today, as i sat down to write this post i changed my mind. i didn't want to contemplate the last year, the last 99 blog posts, i wanted to celebrate!

I found this quote:

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” - Buddha

today, right now, i am so happy i did this.... i started this blog because my husband urged and thought it would be good for me. i have kept going because it is good for me. my blog friends are good for me.

So to you.... you who are reading now. whether this is the first time you have read my blog or the 100th time, Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, cheering me on, and most of all.... sharing your stories.

with love,
jes

doing what i can

i am determined to not let the holiday's get to me....

hanukkah is almost over, and christmas is close.

i have decided no christmas decorations this year. i have done this before, and it keeps me from going insane. it's just less work. when we are not hosting christmas at our house, i see no reason why i must decorate. so that's awesome.

also, i am not sending out holiday cards..... this is not something i have ever done, but really, i'm just not into it this year. i always send a picture, and this years fertility treatments have taken their toll on my body, not really feeling up to sending out a fat picture (sorry, i know, i am vain)

yesterday i went to a cookie swap... it was a small group, nothing out of control, but i was a little nervous about baby questions..... everything was fine, i drank too much, and didn't have to answer any obnoxious questions!! yay! good times. i also dropped off cookies at the fire station by my house.... i wanted nothing to do with all those cookies in my house!! they were stoked!! and it felt good to do something nice!

i am looking forward to saying good riddance to 2010... what a shitty year.

2011 has got to be better than this!!

a rock and a hard place

i am conflicted..... i am not sure what the right thing to do.
i spoke with DH about this last night, and he was no help.......

ok, so here's the situation.
i have 2 jobs.....

job #1 i started in july of 2009..... DH and I were starting to get frustrated with the TTC efforts, i had just started to make some changes to be healthier. for example not drinking, no caffeine....
now in the restaurant business you work with a lot of people who party, and they party HARD. so basically, i don't really hang out with anyone from this job because they love to party, and i was trying to get knocked up..... it's ok, not the end of the world.

now i have job #2..... some of these people i have worked with on and off for 10 years..... some of these people i have partied my ass of with. i mean i spent the first half of my twenty's getting fucked up with some of these people. yes we are all older and wiser, but still, they knew me in what seems to be another life.
also, as i grew professionally, i became a boss to many of these people, so there is another group within this restaurant who don't know me as the fun, have a good time jessica, but i would love to hang out with every once in a while.

so now, as i am back in an hourly position, i am torn..... torn because of IF. it kills me.

because we are on a break, i am ready to have a little fun, let my hair down..... i am allowed to hang out with whomever i want, and they want to hang out. ( as a manager, i was not allowed to hang out with my employees)

but what happens when our break ends..... what happens when i go back to being the hormonal, self-injecting, hermit-like, well behaved, symptom chasing jessica.

my friends, the people i have known forever. the people i love and trust know about the IF. i DO NOT want people i work with to know about our struggle. i do not want to lie about why i can't go have a drink after work, i do not want them speculating as to my pregnancy status, i want nothing to do with it. so what do i do?

i feel stuck.

i would so love to go have a drink and have some fun after work, but at the same time, i don't want to have to explain myself when i am unable to cut loose and have fun anymore. Dh said i was being anti-social.

IF makes me feel lonely in so many ways.

happy belated thanksgiving!

so, i've been a very bad blogger!!

ICLW..... i totally screwed that up! i haven't been near my blog since monday, and for that i am truly sorry! for those of you who have joined me, Thanks!! and Welcome!! i know i have missed out on some awesome blogs....i hope to catch up!

for those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!!

DH and I have adopted Thanksgiving. It is officially our holiday. We have let everyone know, and for the last 3 years, Thanksgiving is at our house. Whether there are 2 people or 25 people, we will be cooking for turkey day! i mean really, i think the food snobs should always host holiday's which revolve around food. and yes, we are without a doubt food snobs :D

we started cooking on wednesday.... and man was it worth it!!
we split up the cooking because we don't work well together in the kitchen.
I made a brined and roasted turkey (the best turkey I ever ate, and the first I have ever made), green bean casserole, butternut squash, candied yams, cranberry sauce, a pumpkin pie, and a caramel apple upside down cake. Yum!
DH made a deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing, sausage and potato bread stuffing, and mac and cheese.
Everything was delicious. We had my mom and brother over, as well as my BF with her husband and their son. A few people dropped by after dinner to take some leftovers home and hang out a bit. I drank mimosa's all day and had a blast cooking and hanging out with some of my favorite people. I was passed out (and i am sure i was drooling on myself) by 6:30.

all in all an awesome thanksgiving.

i am so grateful for the people in my life, and my passion for cooking and feeding people!


i have been dreaming of a new television. it is necessary. so late on thursday evening DH and I decided we were not at all interested in the mayhem of Black Friday, the 4am shopping. this is something i have never done, and frankly, not something i ever want to do.
so we looked online and found what I think was a great deal, and we were snug in our beds at 4 am!!
we did it!! YAY!! A new T.V.!!
A 46'' Panasonic Plasma for $500!!
I can't wait for it to get here..... we have to wait til thursday. It's kind of nice though, because Hanukkah starts on wednesday. (DH is jewish)

Then friday morning my mom called, she wanted me to show her a painting i have been in love with for about a year..... and to see if it was on sale. we ll it was!! and i got my christmas gift early!! here is a photo......

i love it! every time i look at it i like it more!! and it makes me smile! :D

Welcome November ICLW!

Hello!! Thanks for stopping by!
I love visitors!!

So here's the story.....

Me: 31. Dx: Doctor #1 = Cervical Stenosis Doctor #2 = Unexplained. Either way, i don't really care what the diagnosis is.... would just like to get off this ride. started TTC January 2009. started seeing an RE January 2010. 2 IUI's = BFN, IVF #1 = chemical, treated as an ectopic, IVF #2 = Canceled. Right now we are on a break. partially because we are waiting for insurance benefits to kick in, but mostly so i don't rip each and every hair out of my head. i needed a mental health break :D We have 2 day five beautiful and perfect blasts on ice, just need some time to get back to me.

DH: 32. No Issues. Amazing. Supportive. Perfect. He will be the most amazing dad ever. When I realized how amazing a father he would be, I decided this was the man that I will marry.

Now we are saving money, and getting healthy..... in a mind, body and soul kind of way. and praying to get through the holidays without too much drama! :D

Here is my extra long story if you are interested....

Basically, all i ever wished for is to be a mom.
Thanks for stopping by! come back soon!

CD 1

I was starting to think she would never come.....

46 day cycle. WOW!

Happy

I found myself happy today. Happy for no reason at all.
It felt so strange to feel happy. It has been so long. It's been so long since I smiled for no reason at all. And today I did.
I feel like I won today!!

I knew I needed a break. But I don't think I realized how bad. I thought about the last 5 months today, and I decided, I have without a doubt been walking around in a fog. An IF induced fog. Everything I am. Everything has revolved around IF. Until now.
I have not seen my RE since Sept 24. It feels good to not think about wandings, or injections or the next cycle, or insurance.

Don't get me wrong, it's still there. I am a changed person, a new person forever.

But today I realized I can still be happy.

CD 28

if it were one year ago and i was on CD 28 i would be POAS. but this year i am not. last year i did not make it to CD28 EVER! i am a 26 day girl. that is just how it is.... even when i was on the pill and not TTC.

but this year, this time CD 28 is not so shocking. last cycle was 20 days, the one before that was 47 days, the one before that was 22 days. i guess really, i haven't had a normal AF since March, after IUI #2. 7 months without a normal period. i don't even remember what normal felt like.

no symptoms of that bitch AF either. no boob soreness, which is usually my dead give away.

oh well..... we shall see.

i know one thing for sure. the break will be good for getting AF back on a (hopefully) regular schedule.

i told my dad

yup, i told him.


about the fertility treatments. about the ivf, the whole thing.



he knew. well he knew something was up.



i mean, not because anyone told him.... just cause he knew.


it was hard, and there was so much noise on both ends of the phone, but i got it out.


YAY!

Why did I do that??!!

please someone tell me....
why oh why oh why...

yesterday when i called bff for our usual morning chat she asked us to go to the pumpkin patch with them. i thought ok, that might be fun. told her i would call her after i ran my errands.
i thought about it and decided i didn't think it was for me.

but then after my errands i stopped at bff's house to see her for a few minutes and to hang out with her son before they went to the pumpkin patch.... (it's the best part about them living down the street... i get to see their little man whenever i want. i am obsessed with him :D, his name is Bubba, he is 1.) so i was hanging out with Bubba, who was for some reason extra cute yesterday, and then the peer pressure kicked in. i decided to go, and luckily DH said he would go too :D

as soon as i got out of the car i thought, uh oh, not a great idea. it was like an infertile's nightmare. happy family's everywhere, little areas set up everywhere for photo op's, babies everywhere. it's like the quintessential fall family photo.

i was ok for a little bit. i took Bubba into the pumpkin patch and i took photos. it was good. but after that i was done. it was too much. we had to leave. i was happy we had taken our own car, but we were there with 2 other couples, i felt like such a douche, but i just had to go. i told BFF i was leaving, and we were out.

DH was beside himself. he was frustrated with me, and we argued in the car on the way home. i didn't even care about the arguing. as soon as we were out of there the tightness in my chest was gone. i was better.
note to self: no more pumpkin patches until we have a baby.

Welcome ICLW

Welcome!!
Thanks for checking out my blog!
For my story, here is the short version, and here is the long version.... hope you can stop by every once in a while :D

life goes on....

there are things happening in my world, i am sorry i haven't posted about them.
but this is also a good start for ICLW, my very first. if this is your first visit to my blog, Welcome!!
If not, thank you so much for your support.....and sorry, this is a long post :D


first, some background info:
From 2001 until 2009 I worked for the same restaurant company. 8 years. from the time i was 21 until the time i was 29. my entire adult life. i started out as an hourly employee, working my way through college; hosting, serving, bar tending.

after i graduated from college, i had no idea what i wanted to do.... after a few months i got bored.... i mean for 5 years i was busy. i was working to support myself, partying like you are supposed to in college, and of course going to school. my plate was full. so after a couple months with no school, i got bored. my boss at the time thought i should work on a management development program. i liked my boss, i trusted him, so i did it. after a couple months i was offered a position as a full time restaurant manager. not something i ever wanted to do. but i figured this would be a learning experience like none other. to learn about business..... (my bachelors is in social psychology... i knew NOTHING about running a business) so i accepted the position.

i began working hard. as soon as i was out of training i knew this job was kind of fun. and i loved learning about the business. i wanted a promotion, i worked hard and i got promoted after a year. i was asked to go to other restaurants within the company to help, to make them better. i did everything asked of me and more. i was having fun. making money. and getting positive feedback. i didn't even care about the 60 hour work week.

after about 2 and a half years i was moved to a restaurant that had lots of problems. the entire management team was let go, i was put there with a director of operations to clean up the restaurant, and train new managers to take over. things got crazy, i was working 14 hour days, 7 days a week, i was overwhelmed and felt unappreciated. i got tired and angry. i started to really not like my job.

then, i was transferred back to my old store.... it was good and bad. good because i wouldn't be working so much..... bad because it didn't matter were i was, i was over it. i had had enough.

i looked for other jobs, not very actively. i worked with a recruiter occasionally, did a couple interviews, but nothing really looked interesting to me.

DH knew i was miserable, and also knew i was ready for a baby. we decided to stick it out. i would stay at my current job until we had a baby, take advantage of the benefits and sick/vacation time i had. and then i would stop working. we started trying in january 2009.
in february 2009 we moved out of our tiny apartment and into a beautiful home. 3 bedrooms, plenty of room to start a family. i was happy. i had taken a vacation the week we moved, it was just easier.

the day i went back to work after vacation, we had a meeting. usually a normal thing, no big deal, monday was always meeting day.... sometimes vp's came and sometimes they didn't.
when we saw the HR girl, we knew. They had decided to close our restaurant.
7 managers would be laid off. they were not offering positions in other restaurants.
after the meeting i called DH, he was happy. happy for me, that i no longer would be working in a job i desperately hated..... happy i would be able to take some time off...... happy that i might get back to my old self.

really, it's the swift kick i needed. so i wouldn't be stuck in a job i hated going no where.

i took a few months off. no work, just relaxing.... it was great... i decided i was going to get a job as a waitress and go back to school.... PERFECT!! I was going to get my Masters. Awesome!!

I easily got a waitress job. i called my old boss, the one who got me into management in the first place..... he hired me instantly. this was last july. I realize now with all the stress i was under the chance of getting pregnant was slim to none. but we moved forward.

TTC.

i decided that i wanted to get pregnant more than i wanted to go back to school. so we focused all our energy on just that. by september, 9 months of TTC, i was a mess. in october i decided there was a problem, we were going to have to seek help in getting pregnant.
i knew my health benefits from my old job were amazing, but i didn't realize how amazing they were until i called to find out about infertility benefits. when they said those words i almost passed out "lifetime maximum: unlimited" Really??? Seriously???
So we got an RE.
I explained the situation. I am on COBRA. My benefits run out in early november, that gives us 10 months to get pregnant. Dr. D was on board and ready.

HSG. Bloodwork 2 IUI's... BFN. Laparoscapy, hysteroscopy, and D & C. After the second BFN, DH and I decided we were moving on. IVF. I mean why not, it's covered, lets do it. no wasting time.
We did it. The meds were no big deal, everything was covered. i was excited and nervous. i started blogging to find others who know what it feels like.
Beta # 1: Positive Beta...26!!!
Beta # 2: 76!!!!

Then it got ugly.

Beta # 3: 75 (not viable, stopped all meds)
Beta # 4: Tracking beta back to zero.... came back at 261
Beta # 5: 354
Beta # 6: 261
eventually it was treated as an ectopic, and i got a shot..... finally it was over.

So it's now july. i am not pregnant. i am in a going no where job. and i am loosing health benefits in 4 months. i started thinking about my options.
We decided to try one more IVF. We had two embabies frozen, but we decided to do a fresh cycle. I had to look at things from a money perspective.

If we did a frozen cycle in August, would we have enough time to do a fresh cycle after and get it all done before the beginning of november if we had to.

or

we could do a fresh cycle, stim hard. get as many embryo's as we can, hope for the BFP, but still have frozen embies left if it didn't work.

Bottom line: Frozen cycles are much cheaper than fresh.
Because our first RE was insistent on a frozen cycle we went to a new doctor. Our new RE would do a fresh cycle. All was good.

meanwhile, i had started thinking about my job options.
Option 1: i could stay where i am at. buy private healthcare, save money, and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 2: i could look for a new job, a management job. Benefits included, better pay. but working a 55-65 hour work week. save and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 3: swallow my pride. call my old job, and see if they will hire me back at an hourly position. Amazing benefits, fertility treatments included, 25 hours a week, low pay, but still enough to be saving.

DH and i talked it out.....really, it was not a hard decision....the hardest part was taking the first step and calling them. so now, for the last three weeks i have been working for my former employer. i am a hostess. i make ok money at an hourly rate. i have to maintain 25 hours a week to be eligible for health benefits in 6 months. but after that 6 months i will have the same coverage that i had before.
lifetime maximum for fertility treatments: unlimited.
it was a no brainer. i just had to get over my ego.

if someone had told me 10 years ago that this is where i would be today, i would have been so sad. but today, who i am is so very different. today i am making the decisions i need to. the decisions that will get me to my dream job.....a mom.

31

Today I am 31.

30 sucked. A lot.

I am so hopeful that 31 will be better.
I plan to get healthy and get knocked up!! :)

AF.......already

So......AF showed up on Friday last week. TOTALLY EARLY. and TOTALLY UNWELCOME.

I was not happy. I mean really.
Along with AF came some nasty, disgusting pimples. Like I was fifteen or something.
So. not. awesome.

Well, AF is just about gone. and the pimples are leaving too.

trying not to think about it

so..... i took an ambien last night.
it was 2am and i was crying.... with no sleep in sight. so i took an ambien.
i slept till 11:15 today.
it was great!!!

kept busy today.

i did some errands in the morning, then DH and I met up with BFF and her Hubs (whom I affectionately call "JockStrap") and their son Bubba.

We drove 40 minutes to this dump restaurant they saw on Diner's Drive-In's and Dives earlier this week. i wish i could remeber the name of this place, but man it was a shit hole. AMAZING cheese steak. they make their own bread.

then, BFF and i went to Micheal's. We have a plan. We are going to make wreath's until we have one for every season or holiday. today we made fall wreaths. so much fun!! (what an exciting saturday night)

I am in love with my wreath!!

what do you think???


i wish you could see it better, but in the top left corner there is a little owl..... he is my favorite part :)

i also took a few minutes today to put away the meds. i have somewhat of a stock pile of fertility meds. they were in my closet. every time i walked into my closet, there they were.
so i put them away. they have all been put into drawers in another closet. that way they are not seen unintentionally. i emptied the garbage and disposed of or put away everything IF related. i don't think the reminders all over my house are necessary.

Canceled

Yeah ...... Canceled. It sucks.
I'm sad.

I don't remember exactly, but it went something like this.

One side had a 22 plus smaller follies.... 12, 9, 14 etc.....
The other side had a 25 plus a couple smaller 9, 11, 12 etc.....

I knew it was going to be cancelled when I saw those giant follies on both sides.
Dr. Mumbles was mumbling away during the wanding. Afterwards we chatted about possible retrieval and possible cancel.

Basically, he just didn't think there would be enough for a successful retrieval. I understand. It is just very frustrating to have put my body through this for nothing.
I was really sad.
They suggested Provera for 7 days starting tomorrow, and then BCP for 12 days and then back to stimming on Antagonist protocol by the end of October, for early November retrieval and freeze.

DH and I spoke about it.
We are officially taking a break. I am done for a while. I was looking forward to the break after this cycle more than anything else.
I just don't have anymore fight in me right now. 21 months of TTC. Enough for a while.

My body, mind and soul need a break.

We are going to take a few months.

I am going to take care of myself. Diet, exercise, yoga, maybe a couple small trips away with my Hubs, and some money saving during the busy season at work.

I am definitely sad, but at the same time, I am kind of happy to not think about it for a while.

day five of stims

Update

Yesterday
day 4 of stims E2 = 398
little high
dr. mumbles concerned about OHSS or a possible large lead follie.
no ultrasound done

adjusted meds

Today
ultrasound this morning showed
Right side: 14.5, and 9
Left side: 22, 14.5, 11.5, 9, 7.5
E2: 588

Yeah, I know, 22. I was like whoa..... it looked like a grapefruit in there.
Dr. Mumbles is a little concerned.... happy we aren't overstimulating though. Adjusted meds again.
I go back on Friday. I am sure we are looking at Monday retrieval...

I am feeling so very tired, and just like last time extra thirsty. Drinking like a camel.

Grow follies GROW!!!

CD 2

That's right.... She's here.

Baseline scan this morning.

AFC = 8. Not the best number... but it might be 10.
E2 = 46

Handed in all consents as well as $$. We are on the way.....

Retrieval sometime the week of the 27th.

Hopefully we get a whole bunch of beautiful embabies to freeze.

Dr. Mumbles was not to happy to hear that we will not be doing a transfer, as his fresh success rate is much higher than the frozen. Oh well. I was disappointed too.

just waiting

waiting for AF.... come on lady!! let's get this show on the road!!

Last BCP yesterday.....

just waiting for AF now. Lupron continues to torture me.

Lupron

I don't like Lupron. It makes me hot and extra cranky.

a new plan

ok blog friends..... i have been meaning to share for a while.
i guess i feel like if i type it for all of you to see, than it's the real truth.

it's bad,

and good i guess.

so, as i have mentioned before, i am currently the proud owner of AMAZING health coverage. everything is covered...... i mean EVERYTHING. (Our IVF in May cost out of pocket $1600. that included all meds, copays, freezing of embryo's and storage for a year, ICSI, EVERYTHING)

don't hate me.....my coverage is no longer mine as of november 7th. it's really sad.... i know.

so DH and I have been doing everything in our power to get me knocked up before Nov 7th. until a few weeks ago....... I found out that i will not be eligible for coverage at my work. No group coverage!! (DH's plan is very cost prohibitive)

So basically, I am now shopping for an individual plan. An individual plan with maternity coverage. These are difficult to find. So far I have found one company that is offering maternity coverage in Florida.

This has put a wrench in our plans to get knocked up. Because I can't be knocked up and then get maternity health care coverage. I have to get maternity healthcare coverage, wait the grace period, and then get knocked up.

the day this news came to me was a bad one..... i was beside myself... i was a mess.

DH came home to find the mess that i was.... i explained the situation. and he was fine. he says "Well we will do the IVF, stim, do the retreival, and freeze all the embryos."

Of course!!

because i had become an insane person i did not think of this, but thank god i have such an amazing man who can make it all better just like that.
realistically, we can't afford to do what we have been doing. Obviously IVF is expensive. But FET, that is much more realistic. $10,000 vs $2500. Really. A no brainer.

So thats the plan.

We are doing the first part of the IVF cycle. hopefully we will get lots of mature eggs, fertilize those eggs, and freeze a crap load of embabies!!

I was a mess. but i think it is getting better. i am looking forward to a real break.
I am going to look for a new job, i am going to get in shape, I am going to work on getting back the old me. the happier me. And we are going to save a crap load of money!!

FET = Sometime in 2011.

that's the plan.

long time no see blog-friends

well, i am sorry for going MIA.... it's been crazy

i left of on day 24 of my 30 days of blog, and i am sorry. but i just don't have it in me to catch up.

on friday last week i had my trial transfer, saline sonogram, and ivf consult with the nurse. as i am with a differnt RE for this ivf cycle, the trial transfer was without a doubt important. and also important because of the 2 iui's and 1 embryo transfer i have had, none have been easy.

this trial transfer was TERRIBLE!! i think i was in stirrups with speculum in for about a half hour. i was in that position for so long that my legs began to tremble involuntarily. i held it together so that dr. mumbles (my new name for the new RE, as he is constatnly talking to himself) could do what he needed to do. however, the nurse knew i was going to blow at any moment.

after they both left the room i lost it. it is very upsetting to me that something that should take no time at all is actually quite difficult for more than one doctor to accomplish.

as dr. mummbles said he had to make sure the catheter wasn't being bent inside my cervix, and he was able to refine his technique of "inserting of catheter sleeve to 4cm, the rotate 180 degrees, finish by inserting catheter the rest of the way to about 5.5 cm."

Quite frankly dr. mummbles, I DONT CARE!! just get it right!!

saline sonogram was easy... no big deal.

afterwards we had the ivf nurse consult. she was great, she did ask if i was still up to it after the worst half hour of my life. as i have already been through one of these, i was no big deal. DH however, was freaked out about the TT still as he did not retain one bit on information from the consult. i think his head was actually spinning around in circles!!!

as we left the doctors office DH looked at me and said, "that was intense."

love him

day 24.........where i live

Delray Beach, Florida
click on the link to find out anything and everything
you ever wanted to know about
Delray Beach!

CD 2

YAY!! AF finally came. It was officially the longest I have ever gone without her......44 days.
I do have to say I hope this never happens again because she is kicking my ass!!
Cramps like nothing I have ever felt before, and I am so freaking tired.

Started BCP last night, and scheduled a trial transfer and saline sonogram for friday. also called to set up delivery for the rest of my ivf meds. (i had postponed due to AF as a no show. i didn't want to pay for meds that i might not have needed.)

here we go again.........

day 23......you tube video

day 22.....a website

i love this website!!
i love the pioneerwoman!!

day 21.... a recipe

two recipe's

sorry to lazy to type them....

mac and cheese

chocolate and cheesecake bars

ENJOY!

day 20......a hobby

I LOVE COOKING!!

today i am making macaroni and cheese and chocolate cheesecake bars.

YUM!

cd 41 still waiting

yup, that's right! cd 41.
NEVER IN MY LIFE has AF been like this!! i am a pretty regular girl 26 days usually, but the longest was probably 31 days.

i had some blood work done

E2- 132
Progestrone- 11.2
Beta- Negative

So, apparently, i O'd last week. AF should be showing her ugly head next week some time.
let's get this show on the road. bcp here i come!

day 19......a talent

i can play the clarinet

day 18 ............. our wedding

June 2008
It was perfect
Sundy House
Delray Beach, FL

day 17...... a piece of art

music to me is art.
i learned along time ago that it is so much more than some symbols on a sheet of paper.
i have so many people to thank for giving me this love of music.
and this song in particular, taught me a little about music being true art.

day 16.....a song that makes me cry

i wish i had looked ahead last week when i posted about Michael Bluble's song "I just haven't met you yet" I would have posted it today.

There are songs, or even cd's that make me sad.... make me think of lost loved ones.
For example, Frank Sinatra make me think of my grandmother. And the Marine Corps Hymn makes me think of my grandfather.

But today, I am remembering a dear friend. I have been thinking about him so much lately. And I truly hope that you are happy now Mikee. So today, this song is for my lost friend.

day 15..........my dream house

ok, so there are a couple things that make my dream house.

First of all, DH and I LOVE to cook. actually, DH used to cook for a living. so naturally our kitchen must be AMAZING.

Next, since moving into our most recent home, we have realized there is no going back. we must ALWAYS have a pool. very necessary.

third, and very important for both of us as well is a completely over the top bathroom. awesome shower, with shower heads all over. a shower big enough to have a party in. and an amazing bathtub!

also important to me would be a front porch the length of our home. not something you see a lot of in south florida, but something i dream of having. (we are stuck in south florida, probably for ever, as this is where DH's work is)

day 14... the last non fiction book i read

read it last weekend.... couldn't put it down.....
great book!!

day 13

the last fiction book i read............

day 12..........

i think this is something a lot of people are a little OCD about....
there is a right way, and a wrong way to load a dishwasher. My way is the right way. Period.

prenatal + bcp + preg tests= confused cashier at the pharmacy!!

thats right. i just purchased my monthly prenat, birth control, and a pregnancy test..... LMFAO!!

really?

only in an infertile's world would this make any sense.

AF is still no where in sight. 8 days late. i have tested once with a cheapy pee stick, but i figured i guess i will bite the bullet and spend the $$$ for a good test. whatever. i will POAS in the am.

whatever.

i hate waiting for AF. i guess i will call the doc on friday if there is still no sign.

in other news....

BFF called me this morning freaking out. she was terribly upset because she was thinking a friend of ours, (the one i don't like because she has a baby) might be pregnant again.
she was a mess about it.
i love bff. she said, at this point there is only one person she would be happy to see pregnant. and anyone else who might be pregnant, she hates them. i was hysterical laughing. it's like she has taken my feelings as her own.
i did tell her i thought she was being a little irrational. and that she should not be angry at others who might get preggers.
anyway. i just thought that was funny.
oh, and by the way. girl i don't like.... not pregnant. (thank goodness!!)

day 11... me now

well, kinda now..... ok, a little while ago.....

i take pictures. i am the one behind the camera, not usually in front of it.
so this is me. the day we got our little boy, stewie. so cute!!

i just haven't met you yet

as i drove to work this morning, listening to the radio, i heard this song.
i have probably heard this song a million times, because there are only so many songs you can hear on your local top 40 radio station. i usually even sing along to the chorus when i hear it. but today, i actually heard this song. not on purpose, i guess the lyrics just sunk into my head today....
and by the time the song was half way over, i was hysterical.
not laughing hysterical.
(i cried so much i had to put on more make up when i got to work.)
but it made me think, this song. thank you michael blube.
its kind of a cheery song, and it made me cry in kind of a happy way.

when i first began to worry that there was something wrong. when i knew we would need a doctors intervention in order to get pregnant i was obviously sad. i was seeing my hypnotherapist at the time, who suggested i/we find a way to deal with my sadness. and i came up with a little mantra. something to get me by. i still say it sometimes, and it sometimes helps.
i think to myself, "we haven't been blessed with a child yet, because God has not found the right one for us."
(i am not really a religious person, but i do believe that God does give us blessings.)

well this song made me think about me little mantra, and made me feel good today. because it will happen. we will have a baby. and it will be amazing.

i just haven't met you yet.

so here it is. the actual song, and the lyrics are below. maybe it will give someone else a little hope today.



I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get

I said love, love, love, love
Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love
I just haven't met you yet

day 10 me.... over 10 years ago

this was me in high school......
sadly, this was more than 10 years ago :(

day 9 aphoto that i took

well bloggers, i love to take photos......
and there are so many to choose from.

this photo was taken at the beach, in november 2008.
my brother and i just ended up there one day, and i took this shot
which makes me love living in south florida

day 8...... aphoto that makes me sad

taken on the same day as the last photo...... my gram
the last time she traveled was to my wedding. i was so happy she was there, but so sad that it took so much out of her to be there.
love you gram.
we miss you.

day 7... a photo that makes me happy

20 of my favorites

In no particular order:

1. my DH- Joe G!! i love you babe
2. stewie - our dog
3. taking pictures
4. cooking
5. bubba cheeks (my nephew)
6. dunkin donuts iced coffee
7. my iphone (small addiction)
8. scratch off lotto tickets
9. my bed
10. as mentioned before, any smut television (reality tv, daytime tv)
11. the pool in my backyard
12. my family
13. sleeping in
14. days without work :D
15. my toyota corolla
16. hydrangeas
17. farmers markets
18. shopping
19. going out for breakfast
20. the florida keys

late

today is cycle day 26...... my period was due today.

not a single sign of AF.

no sore breasts, no chocolate cravings (well i always want chocolate, but no intense cravings), no headache, no bitchiness, NADA.

when i spoke to the ivf nurse today she asked if we tried this month to get pregnant. I said emphatically "No"
but when i got off the phone i thought about it. we weren't trying. but we weren't not trying. i wasn't paying attention at all.

if i don't get AF by friday, maybe i might POAS. or maybe i will go in for a beta. i hate to POAS, it makes me crazy.

Day 5 my favorite quote

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell


This is a new quote to me...... Thanks Mrs. D.!!!!

I love it!!

day 4 my favorite book

i think, of all the books i have read, there is one character I love the most. she is great.

they made the series of books into a movie, and i think they destroyed the book, and they destroyed Becky Bloomwood. So if you thought the movie was dumb, which it is, PLEASE read the books!! They are hysterically funny, and easy to read.

day 3 - my favortie tv show

so.... this is not something that i generally share in any type of public setting.

but, it is definitely a part of me.....

this is a tv show that i have watched my whole life, and i think there are 3 people in the world who know how seriously i feel about the people who live in pine valley.

I LOVE THEM!!

I LOVE THE DRAMA!!!!

and really, I LOVE SMUT TELEVISION!

so here it is, my favorite tv show, for the whole world to know:












of course there are others........ but All My Children is a must watch!! Pretty much everyday since i was 12.

my favorite movie

i have way too many favorites to just mention one.
so here they are, the movies i will happily watch, any time they are on.
in no particular order:















Love them all!

waiting for AF

AF is due on Aug 4.

Usually by now my boobs hurt, and i am having some cramping.

NADA

I hope AF comes on time...... i am ready to get this show on the road, i am over the break, and over the waiting.

Day 1 My favorite song

There are so many songs.....
So many memories.....

Today, and on most days,
This is my favorite song.

30 Day Blog Journal

I have seen this on a couple blogs, and thought I would join in! ince today is the first of the month, and I will need something to keep me occupied while waiting for IVF #2, i thought today would be a good day.

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of my favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where I live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - my worst habit
Day 28 - whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

IVF # 2

this month has been the well deserved break that i needed...... a little vacation, lots of sun, a little drinking, one night out til 4am. Man i needed to have a good time!! I actually forgot what a hangover felt like. Yesterday I woke up, and could not figure out why i felt like such garbage...that was until DH woke up and suggested i might be hung over.....WOW!!

2 weeks ago we went to see a new RE, Dr. P. (this has been the only doctors appt we have been to in a couple weeks!) he knew why we were there without me even saying anything.... he knew we wanted to do another fresh cycle, before touching our frozen blasts, and he was very receptive.... but asked us to be sure this is what we wanted to....

so, it's official. We are getting ready for IVF #2.
I am going back to no alcohol, no caffeine, and no nights out til 4am!
I would like to start to do some yoga. If anyone has any suggestions for a good DVD so that i can do yoga at home please let me know.
also, i will be doing a little hypnosis. i LOVE hypnosis!! i have lost weight, and quit smoking by way of hypnosis, so maybe it will help as well. :D

just waiting for AF. she should be here around august 4th.

BFF is really a great friend

so, i spoke to BFF today.
I had to say something. she had to know my feelings, and i was waiting for the perfect moment, and i got it :D

i told her that i knew she was late, and i told her i was secretly hiding from her...... and she told me she knew that i knew she was late, and she also told me she was secretly hiding from me....

i also told her that i do not want out friendship to ever be affected by IF..... i told her i will always be happy for her, but if she tells me she is preggo and i get sad, it is not anything but sad for me.

we decided, no more hiding. we will just be honest and up front.
i feel much better.

:D

maybe i am a bad friend

there are two reasons i think that i am a bad friend.... well two glaringly obvious reasons.

1. i spoke to BFF today. i had been hiding from her ever since DH told me she was 5 days late. that was tuesday. usually we speak 2-3 times a day. ( i know, it's ridiculous, but it's the truth)
she had gotten her AF.
she told me that it was late, and she thought she was knocked up, but was freaking out because she had POAMS (pee'd on a million sticks) all BFN.
i was so relieved to hear she had gotten AF. which made me feel like a jerk.
a total ass hole.

2. this is the major reason i am thinking i am a bad friend.

i have a girlfriend with a little baby. and it is awful to say, but i HATE her. and really i used to like her a lot. but now, i hate her. there are many little things that have caused me to have utter disgust for her.
a. got pregnant the first time she tried.
b. a month before she got preggers, she told me they weren't having kids because she was way too selfish to care for any children
c. she got pregnant to make her husband happy (not a fact, but something that many people believe to be true, not just me)
d. while she was preggers, she always complained about gaining weight, and how inconvenient it was
e. i took her out to lunch, because i had missed her baby shower due to a meltdown in the shower while getting ready..... at that lunch she made two completely horrendous comments to me. the first was that she was afraid she would never sleep again, and would take advantage of every minute in the hospital by keeping the baby in the nursery so she could sleep. the second was about coming home from the hospital...she had said that she would have her mother bring the baby home that day so that she and her husband could go and eat sushi and have a beer.
after that, i had decided she was a crazy lunatic.
f. the newest and most upsetting to me. she went on vacation for 12 days, and left her 13 week old child at home.
now i know that everyone goes away without their children. and if i am offending anyone with my judgments, i apologize. but, i think because i hate her so much already, the vacation is just a little more icing on the cake of hatred that i am baking.

in her defense, she has no idea what is going on with me. she has no idea that we had been TTC for 7 months before she tried that one little time. she has no idea about all the tears i have shed, the time i have spent, the meds i have taken, the doctors appt's i have gone to...... she knows nothing.
and maybe, she has no idea how lucky she is. maybe she doesn't understand how much of a miracle that little boy is. and how precious life is. maybe her ignorance is her bliss

but,

she sucks.
and, unfortunately, i hate my friend because she has a child.
this is why i might be a bad friend.

healthy eating

today i ate peanut butter and jelly, and ramen noodles.

probably not an excellence choice.

but i don't care

:D

5 days late

no, not me.

my BFF.

i just ate a slice of cake for lunch to help with the shock.

the worst part is that i heard it from DH. her DH told my DH. and my DH told me.
why is it that i am hearing this from anyone but my BFF?? my sister??

since we have started trying..... my BFF has gotten preggo, had a beautiful baby boy, and could potentially be preggo again.

i want to be happy and i want to be sad.

less than 1

YAY!!

Beta= < 1

I wasn't supposed to have a beta today, but i woke up bleeding. the bleeding caught me off guard, and i got a little nervous. i called and ask to come in for a beta just to make sure everything was the way it should be.

Now.

More Waiting.

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

advice please! need some opinions!!

i am very blessed. i am blessed to have health insurance that is amazing. my insurance has full coverage for infertility. with an unlimited lifetime maximum.
before you all hunt me down and beat me with tire irons, please know that my health insurance will no longer be covering me as of november 7, 2010. with the end of my coverage coming soon, and not enough $$$ to pay for fertility (ivf) treatments on our own, i have an unbelievable sense of urgency to take advantage of every minute of coverage that i have.

as of today, we have 2 frozen embryos ready to go. i also have 4 months to get as much done as possible. i am still waiting for AF before i can do anything. it's killing me. i feel like time is wasting.

when we went in for our failed ivf follow up, dh and i asked dr. d about the potential of doing a fresh ivf cycle next. a cycle where we would do stims harder to create more follicles, and therefore maximize the number of potential embryos available before my coverage runs out. we wanted to do this as FET cycles are significantly cheaper than a fresh ivf cycle.
dr. d did not want to do this. he said, "this is just how it's done." and followed up with, "you should have plenty of time to get in a frozen and fresh cycle before november 7th."
sounded good to us.
but now, as i have not gotten a period yet, the clock continues to tick..... tick tock... will we have time for two more cycles??? first a frozen then a fresh??

and then, i got a letter in the mail today from dr. d's office...... letters are always about money....if they wanted to talk to me about anything else, it would have been in person. so, i was not so excited to open the letter.

the letter said, "as a result of increasing costs and declining insurance reimbursements, we are now requiring patients with insurance coverage for ivf to place a deposit equal to 50% of the standard fees for services rendered...."

we don't have that money.

so now what???

i am thinking maybe i should check out some other clinics in the area..... as the clock ticks on, maybe i can find a doctor who would be happy to accept my insurance for another fresh cycle before it runs out, and then worry about frozen cycles after we make some more embies.

i really do like dr.d's office. i really don't want to switch. i love the nurses, they know me and my crazy quirks. but maybe this is a sign. a sign that i should at least check out my options, and take advantage of the insurance.

bloggers please if you have advice, today i need it!!!!

i'm cured

dr. d called yesterday while hubs and i were planting an herb garden..... beta was 15. so, "your cured", he said. it was funny.

now a break.

thank. god.
i really need a break.

m is for methotrexate

That's right, i am being sent to the cancer center at my local hospital for a little methotrexate.

There is no sign of pregnancy any where in my uterus, which unfortunately means this is being considered an ectopic pregnancy. YUCK!! i just don't like the sound of that.
so we decided to make things quick and easy, a little shot will get rid of the problem. sounds good to me. i am ready to move on. i dealt with the loss and the heartache of the IVF not working over 2 weeks ago, i am over it. i am looking forward. i have seen pictures of my two beautiful blastocysts on ice and i am ready for them. i hope they are ready for me!!!

dr. d's office does not administer these shots, so he is sending me to the closest place that does! when he explained to me where we were going he said, "you are going to the cancer center, but don't worry, you don't have cancer, so just accept it and move on." for some reason his was extremely funny to me.

he called to have them schedule me for the shot for tomorrow morning. they couldn't squeeze me in. this is strange and annoying to me. really? you can't squeeze me in for a shot?? even though my doctor has asked you to?? so whatever, tuesday morning we will check out of our hotel in beautiful key west, and drive like the wind to make it to my 2pm appt. No problem. At least i can enjoy my weekend away without any random side effects. I will not be anywhere near google looking up any info about the shot until our drive home, thanks to my trusty iphone. :D

I AM DETERMINED TO HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.

After all, we are going away to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary!! YAY!!

today= ultrasound and decision making time.
friday's beta was 356
monday's beta was 261
yesterday's beta was 276
when nurse m called yesterday to tell me it went back up, i couldn't even control myself. i said, "what the fuck!!" this made nurse m hysterical. i am getting to the point where the fluctuating beta's are comical. like really, this is ridiculous.

so, back to see dr. d today. i guess we have to decide on how to get rid of my empty placenta. (this is what i have been calling it)
not to excited about my options.

i am however excited that tomorrow morning we are leaving for key west!!! yay!! god do i need to get out of this town. on monday i asked nurse m to get with dr. d about my vacation.
3 questions
1. can i drink?
2. can i have sex???
3. can i go on a boat?

nurse m immediately responded with "As long as you do all 3 together!!" I love that girl <3

so dr. d called later that day to find out what was going on, if i had fallen off the IF wagon.
I think nurse m forgot to mention the whole going away part. dr. d. said I could enjoy myself, but not to party like i am at a frat party, as i may still get nausea from the empty placenta. (not his words)
YAY!!! i am so excited to get away and relax, party a little, and have some fun.
and maybe i will do all 3 together!! :D

will this cycle ever end

ok, so thursday i had to go in for a beta. they wanted to track my beta down to zero. i was annoyed. i mean, i understand, but it's still annoying. your not pregnant, but, lets keep doing blood tests to make sure.

i was expecting a call from nurse M. thats my girl, i love nurse m! so when i picked up the phone and heard dr. d's voice, i knew it wasn't going to be good.

my beta came back at 261.
ugh.
really. this is not what i wanted to hear
(most women in my situation would love to hear about a beta of 261. but not at 30dp3dt. this is beta #4. 261 is not a good number.)

so dr. d said it could be a couple things:

1. best case scenario: beta is on the way back down. i had passed some tissue and had major cramping over the weekend. so thinking and hoping this is what it was.

2. some placental tissue attached to my uterus that is continuing to grow. this is gross.

3. ectopic pregnancy. NO FUN!!!

he asked that i come in monday for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, so that we could track my beta's and see what is going on. and then i told him that i was having major cramping all day. painful, like my worst period cramping. dr. d then suggested i go in friday instead of waiting the weekend.

so yesterday i woke up with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. off to see dr. d.
as soon as we got to the office, the waterworks began. nurse m gave me the look my bestie gives me when there is nothing to say. i love her. as soon as i sat down for bloodwork, she told me we were going to do an ultrasound, and then chat with dr. d. YUCK. i mean i love dr. d, but it was said in that, "i'm sorry but there is a problem" kind of way. YUCK.

as soon as dr.d walked into the ultrasound room, i became hysterical. this is the first time that i have cried in front of dr. d. he was great about it. i love him.

ultrasound revealed a small cyst on left ovary. thats it. dr. d said everything looked good. he also said he does not believe that it is an ectopic. god i hope not. he said we will continue to track the situation, back on monday for another beta.

beta number five, still going up. i was so upset i didn't even ask for a number.

this whole situation is ridiculous. i am upset, and sad. i am sad because i am not pregnant. but i am mostly upset. upset because, if i had just gotten my period like every other month, the BFN would not be so painful. the fact that this is being drawn out, into some strange gynecological drama, makes it so much worse. i would just like a period please. i don't even care if it is a bad period. just a period. bring it on AF!!

i just feel alone. i don't think there is anyone out there who can say anything to make me feel better today. i hate that feeling.

follow up beta

this makes me angry.
i woke up angry this morning, and now 4 hours later, i am still angry.
i had to go in today for a beta to make sure my hcg is going back down to zero. a shot at the infertile, a stomp on my heart.

can't we just move on.

i hate IF!

prepping for the follow up

i scheduled the ivf follow up appt for monday morning at 8:30am.

this is probably crazy. i thought several times about changing the appointment, but really, lets just get it over with. i would like to get the answers i need, and move on. i don't want to be thinking about all the what if's for any more time.
so this morning, i made breakfast for my amazing husband, and now have been prepping for the "www appt"
i have a lot of questions. i have written them all down, and i plan to run through the list and get answers. dr. d may want to kill me after tomorrow. :D
there were a lot of questions i had throughout the cycle that i didn't ask. probably because i think that i know how to keep myself from going absolutely insane...
questions i did not ask throughout this ivf cycle include egg and embryo quality. i think that this could have made things worse if i knew while it was going on, no matter if the news is good or bad.
we plan to move forward with another ivf cycle. i have insurance coverage which pays for everything. i mean everything. unfortunately, my insurance coverage is over on november 7th. i will be loosing the best insurance on the face of the planet, so,we would like to fully take advantage while we can.

not viable

numb.....

the beta went down. "not a viable pregnancy"
those words sound so terrible.
i think i let my hopes get too high after monday's beta went well.
when i was leaving the doctors office today the receptionist asked if i was keeping my hopes up.... that was when i started to doubt that today's beta would be good. SHIT!
dr. d said i would be getting my period, and also might feel a little depressed....well obviously i might feel depressed! SHIT!
back to the drawing board.

YAY!!

IT WENT UP!!!!

76

Holy moly!! I am so excited!!

today i am pregnant

today i am pregnant, but tomorrow i might not be.

pregnancy gray area is not really fun. for people who have never worn these shoes it is positive or negative, there is no maybe you are pregnant....especially after a blood test.

so, 26. that was my beta on friday at 17 dpo..... who knows what tomorrow will hold.
i think i will be more surprised if it is a climb in the right direction, than if it is a negative.

this is the first time i have ever been pregnant in my life.... wow. that's crazy. but it could be quickly taken away from me tomorrow.

twenty-six

So Dr.D called yesterday as I was walking through HomeGoods with BFF. My phone rang, and I knew who it was before I even looked at the caller id. I slid my finger over my iphone to answer the call. I slid it again. the touchscreen wasn't working, i couldn't pick up the call. i started to panic and then it picked up.
"Hi Dr.D"
Dr. D did not sound great, "Hi Jessica, we got back your beta, the number is really low. 26"

I don't think i have ever had so many emotions running through my body. Excited it wasn't negative..... sad it wasn't an awesome number like 208 or something.
Dr. D was not happy with this number,26, it seemed as though he just didn't want me to get my hopes up. So i will continue with progesterone and estrogen patches and go back on Monday for another beta. Hopefully a beta in the 200 range :D

There is a part of me that just has to stay positive. It could go up. If we stay positive, maybe the beta will stay positive. That's all I can think.

14dp3dt

Today was the beta.....

Waiting on results.

I started spotting yesterday, it was like brown bits. I did not let it get to me. No big deal. Spotting is normal. Everything is ok.

As soon as we got to Dr. D's office this morning the waterworks began. I couldn't even stop it. I guess I was crying because I was relieved that we actually made it to beta day. It was just finally being there after two weeks. I couldn't even handle it. I love the nurses in Dr. D's office!! Everyone stopped what they were doing. There were like 5 other patients there, and they all made me feel like i was the only one who was important!! I love love love those ladies!!

Well the wait is almost over.

12dp3dt

Still Waiting......
Tomorrow is cycle day 26. D-day I guess. If I am not preggo, I could get AF tomorrow. CD 26 is always when it comes. I am secretly scared. Why couldn't I have already had my beta??
I took off work tomorrow and friday. There is no way in hell that i wanted to be caught off guard with any news. Maybe this is me being negative, but I think this is also me protecting my heart from unnecessary hurt.
Wish me luck!!
Will post after my beta on friday.

10dp3dt

So, I was forced into making some promises today.......

First, I had to promise DH, love of my life, that I would not POAS anymore until my beta. (Which by the way is a ridiculously long time away... Friday @ 14dp3dt) I POAS again today. BFN. This BFN ruined my day. Way too many tears, but I was holding out for this one to be a positive, I mean its basically been 2 weeks. I think if it is positive I should get a positive by now, but whatever. I am going to try and keep cool, and try to hold on to the ounce of hope that I have left.

Second, as if the torture wasn't bad enough, my darling BF, my sister from another mister, caught on to my shitty ass mood today, and made me promise to stay off the Google. "NO MORE!! It's got to make a person crazy!!"

So here I am. Alone. Waiting.

DH is off to NYC for his sister's graduation from law school. A trip that I was supposed to go on as well, but Dr. D advised against, just something else to add to the list of DON'TS.

Friday can not come fast enough.
This week I will occupy my time. I will also listen to my fertility hypnosis. I will make it.

8dp3dt

I HATE THE 2WW!!


Isn't it funny that 2ww backwards is WW2. Also something completely terrible.

The first couple days were fine, I was fine. I didn't think about it.
Now, I think my head could explode at any moment. I have tried to stay positive, but it is really just not that easy. I was ok until Thursday (6dp3dt). Now I am not ok. Yesterday I woke up with tiny little pimples all over my face. NOT FUN! This brought on a feel bad for myself kind of day. By 6 o'clock I was in tears.
I POAS yesterday.....I know its too early, as you all guessed BFN. But, I will not let it get me down, I had to do it. I had to try. I will POAS again on Monday. I don't think that will be too early. That will be the deciding factor. that is 10dp3dt, 13dpo. My beta, for some ungodly reason isn't till Friday, June 4. It seems like months away.

I don't think this is the month.

When we went for the transfer last week, I told my unbelievable, amazing husband that we needed to make it past these next two weeks unscathed. The reason I say this, is because after IUI#1, actually, the day of IUI#1, DH's mother died....STRESS!!! (They were never close, but still a very stressful situation) After IUI #2, 6 days later, my sister-in-law had a massive brain hemorrhage, and almost died. SHITLOAD OF STRESS!!! (She is doing much better, and things are going well) So, I have been praying for things to stay status quo. Normal. No Drama.
So far so good. Except for the fact that I hate the 2WW!!
Please lord help me get through this week, and oh, I would really like to be pregnant.

better to hope for the best or prepare for the worst

today i am hoping for the best. i guess its both.... i guess it is better to hope and prepare.
I feel good. a little tired, but i think when you sit around and do nothing, then you are inherently tired. it is five days post transfer (i dont know how the ?dp?pt works, i am still not sure what that means, i am sure it is something so obvious and i and completely over-reading it) and i have official watched five seasons of weeds. always a show i wanted to watch, but just never got into it. well, i started friday night, and was HOOKED!! i love nancy botwin and her entire dysfunctional family. i understand her issues.
on friday my dear hubby made thanksgiving dinner!!! turkey, stuffing, candied yams, green bean casserole, au gratin potatoes, mac and cheese!! he want all out. we were giving thanks to the fertility gods for our (hopefully) sticky little embabies!
my hubs is amazing.

OH!! I forgot amazing news!! On monday morning we froze two blastocycsts!! YAY!!!

so i guess i have to go back to work..... it has been a nice little vacation, but i need to occupy my brain with something other than "sticky babies"

Transfer day!!

Today was the day.....

I woke up around 7:30 this morning. I surprisingly slept better last night than I had all week. I wasn't expecting much sleep, so I was very happy. While I was in the shower I began to think about the Valium prescribed for me to calm my nerves. I decided I didn't think it would be necessary as I slept well and felt great. So I went about getting ready, doing some dishes left in the sink, putting a load of clothes in the washing machine, and then I began to panic. I couldn't breath. It wasn't happening. DH started to mess with me, and then it was all over. So I went to the closet and grabbed the Valium (mommy's little helper) and by the time we were on the way to see Dr. D, everything was fine.

We have 4 that made it. We had to decide on how many to implant. We went with 2.

And here they are!!!

They are beautiful!

I have been looking at them all day! It was a smooth transfer. Better than my 2 IUI's went. Apparently it is difficult to get ti my uterus. But, Dr. D did well, and I kept nice and calm, partially thanks to that little Valium that took the edge off :D

So now I lay in bed. My husband is waiting on me hand and foot. I love this man more than words can say!! Thank you Joe for all that you do! You are the best part of my life.

So now I begin the 2WW. I will not get crazy! We will be calm. There will be no drama. Everything will go perfectly.

I love those little embabies!