Tuesday, June 28, 2011

its over

d & c was this morning, at 7 am.
i'm glad it's over.

last night i had a really good cry. well, it wasn't good....it was really bad. but, i think i got it out. i sat in the shower and cried. i cried for so long i had to get out because there was no more hot water. dh was concerned. but i needed it. and i'm glad i cried yesterday, and not today while i was in the surgical center.

everything went smooth.

dr. d was so nice today. they wheeled me into the O.R. very awake. he held my hand and talked to me until i fell asleep. it was really nice. the other people in the surgical center were very nice as well.

when i woke up i was in a lot of pain, and was instantly in tears. the nurse asked if i wanted a narcotic... i said yes. she gave me the rhogam shot (i am rh-) and fentanil (for pain). i was back asleep for a little bit. i woke up again and asked for dh. she got me out of the recovery area and into a post op area where dh was waiting for me :D

in post op the cramps were terrible. i just wanted to go home. dh asked when i could leave. they said i had to finish my i.v.
they had put pitocin in my i.v. which has caused me terrible cramps all day. i guess they gave me pitocin to shrink my uterus back to normal size, but having contractions all day has not been pleasant.
thank god for percocet.

we had some of the tissue that was removed today sent to a lab. it will be tested for chromosomal abnormalities. we should get the results next week at our post-op with dr. d.

thanks so much to everyone for your kind thoughts over the last few days. it has really helped. you all have a special place in my heart..... i am so grateful i have the support of people who understand what it's like.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

happy anniversary

the d&c is scheduled for tuesday. which happens to be june 28th. my wedding anniversary.

of course.

last year we planned a trip to the keys for our anniversary. we had just finished ivf #1. we had found out that it was a bust. and 2 days before we were to leave for our trip to the keys we found out that i needed a methotrexate shot. we had to come home early from our trip so that i could go to a doctors appointment.....it was great.

so obviously. i just knew i would start bleeding while we were on vacation. we didn't even make it to key west. half way there we stopped at our favorite restaurant in islamorada.....i went to the bathroom and found a massacre. we weren't even fucking there yet!! i half of our trip i spent self medicating. advil, scotch, and sun. the other half i spent in bed, with tears in my eyes.
Happy 2nd Anniversary.

so when they called on thursday to say the d&c would be tuesday....i wasn't even surprised. i texted dh to let him know. he responded with, "great. not like we have anything else going on." (holy sarcasm batman!)
dr. d is going away at the end of next week. and i know hey have a busy week. and i know they squeezed this in. because it is necessary. and i just didn't have it in me to ask for a different day.
we decided we would celebrate our anniversary today instead.

we planned to go kayaking. and then go to dinner. i was super excited!
we got up early, and dh called the place we were going to go kayak. they said the river was so low (it hasn't rained in a while.....until today, of course) that we would do more dragging a kayak than we would do paddling a kayak. so, no kayaking.

we decided to go to breakfast. i wanted eggs benedict.
we went to the seagate hotel. a local hotel. we know the executive chef and the sous chef, but we have never been. its a chic little boutique hotel in our downtown area. great reviews for both the restaurant and hotel. mostly busy with weddings and large out of town groups..... and GORGEOUS!! i was excited.
we sat and ordered breakfast.....dh didn't think either of our friends would be there, so we didn't even ask.
i got up to used the ladies room....and there was adam. the chef. the best part about dh and i being in the restaurant business is knowing people. everywhere. and the v.i.p. treatment when you know people :D
breakfast was awesome.... i had an eggs benedict trio. a crab, a lobster and a steak benedict. with fresh fruit. i also drank 3 cups of decaf coffee. possibly my favorite part. haven't had any coffee....not even decaf since may 14th ( i know sad that i know the date).
after when we finished the waitress said our check had been taken care of.... so awesome! we stopped at the kitchen to thank adam for breakfast and his hospitality. he asked if we had time, and offered us a tour.
we walked through the kitchen which was AMAZING and so big. i know restaurant kitchens not hotel kitchens.....it was a monster.
we went through the banquet areas, spa and pool area. then he took us up to see some of the rooms. the presidential suite and a couple other suites. soooo cool.
it was great to see adam and so fun to get a little behind the scenes tour.
when we were leaving adam asked when we were going to have some kids.... i said, "we are working on it. it's not so easy for some people"
he was a little shocked by my response but it made me feel good.... it made me feel good to say it. as nice as possible, not bitchy, but more of a hey, this is our struggle kind of thing.
after breakfast we stopped at a consignment shop....i am looking for a dresser and bureau for our bedroom that i can refinish and make my own....i was so excited dh was even interested in going with me.
we came home to relax, go for a swim and hang out with puppy.
later we went to an early dinner. i wanted lobster....
it was soooo good. i had a 3 pound lobster and dh had a 4 pound stuffed lobster. ridiculous and delicious. excited about the leftovers for a little lobster salad... yum!
when we got home i started laundry, and dh decided he was ready to clean out his closet. ( i know, it's crazy, but i have been begging him to clean his closet for months....i told him it would be the best part of our anniversary!). wow was he ready! i have never seen dh let go of so much stuff. i am a fan of purging..... clothes don't have a major shelf life with me. and dh is the type that just holds on. he filled 3 garbage bags with clothes he doesn't wear anymore! it was great.
today was a great day....
i'm so happy we had it.
because the next three days will probably be shitty.

next year....maybe we will go on a cruise, or hopefully a staycation (if i am preggers).... i just know it must be better than the last two anniversaries. (no more ivf in may for us, at this point we would be asking for another crappy anniversary)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

we started a list of baby names that DH didn't mind

we started looking at cars..... because mine is not acceptable for a child to be in. EVER.

i pee'd on a digital pee stick, that i had been holding on to for way too long. it said the words i have longed to see..... "PREGNANT"

i planned to tell my husbands family the good news over father's day weekend.

we talked about how the house would get rearranged.

i tried not to get excited..... i really tried. but i did. i was excited. and truly happy.

on thursday we had the first ultrasound. i was pumped. i was ready to see something amazing. as soon as the wand went in i started to breath heavy. almost a panic. it wasn't good. and i knew it immediately.
we saw one sac. and that was about it. there was a fuzzy little something when dr. d moved the wand in a certain direction. he said maybe. maybe next week we will see more. as we left the office the mood had changed. when we walked in, it was a feeling of excitement. happiness. when we left it was quiet. sad.
i knew it was a long shot.

i prepared for the worst. because basically, it was the worst.

today we went back for the follow up. a week later.
maybe we will see something.
dr. d came in hopeful. he said he was thinking about us all week. dh saw him say a little prayer before he stuck the wand in.
and there it was.
a sac.
just a sac. nothing else.
dr. d typed the words "empty sac" on the ultrasound screen. he said he was going to look carefully.
so we sat there while he looked...... all i saw were those words. empty sac. everywhere he looked. and it was. completely empty.

dr. d was sad. almost defeated. he said he was so sorry, and said to meet us in his office when we were ready. the nurse left with dr. d but first wished us condolences as well. she looked so sad, as if she was going to cry. she quickly left the room.

i don't know why, but the way that they tried to console us made me laugh. as they left the room i had tears in my eyes. but i was giggling.
maybe it was nervous laughter. maybe self preservation. i'm not quite sure. but it was pretty funny.

we got it together and went to speak with dr. d.
it's kind of a blur that conversation. and i am glad dh was there so maybe i can remember more of what he said when i'm ready.

things i do know.
D & C sometime next week.
the tissue will be sent to a lab for biopsy.
i get pregnant with ivf.....now we need to figure out how to keep me pregnant.
dr. d is determined to figure out how to make it happen.
fresh cycle in 2ish months.
dh is the best man i know.
Please lord. Let there be a healthy baby in me. Please.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


1 sac.

couldn't tell if there was anything in it.

they did bloodwork.....hcg and p4.

dr.d said i shouldn't worry......it could definitely be too early.

we follow up next week.

i am to continue as i have been doing....and stay positive.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

1 week to first ultrasound

please lord let this week go by quickly!!
it's all that goes through my head......as of today we have one more week left in the worst 2 week wait ever.
next thursday is our first ultrasound and i am so scared. excited. nervous. anxious.

this week has been ok.

i have been working two jobs for the last 8ish months. once or twice a week i wait tables at a high end steak house. i have not worked since we started this FET. (since transfer week). i jsut didn't want to deal with the stress of worrying if i was lifting too much or worrying if i could find someone to help me. so once we had the last beta, dh and i talked about my second job. we decided it's just not worth it. so, i needed to quit.
i put it off as long as i could, because i was nervous about quitting. i was scared they would think i was a jerk, or not understand. so on tuesday i went to speak to my boss. (he knew about our situation). i told him it was "good". (because i am not ready to say the words quite yet to anyone but dh.). he was so happy. i said right now the list of things i am not allowed to do is much greater than the list of things i am allowed to do.....so i just can't work. he said fine, no problem.....but he wasn't going to terminate me. he said he would just keep me on. just not schedule me. that way, if i want to come back, anytime, i could....no paperwork needed. i was so suprised and happy.
then i thanked him.... i thanked him for being so great with me for the last year and a half. for not fucking with me, and scheduling me when i wanted, and not scheduling me when i wanted. i was in tears trying to share my appreciation....and then he was in tears. i told him i didn't think there were words for my level of appreciation.
i went in sick to my stomach, and left happier than i could think..... it was so nice.

i have been blowing off a friend of mine this week.....she knew beta's were coming up last week....but was out of the country. now she is back and has left a couple messages. i am just not ready to say it. (i mean there are a few people who know.... dh's parents (because he works for them, they know everything, that way dh can go to all appointments with me), my mom, dh's bestie, and my bestie.).
is it crazy i am afraid to say it out loud?? i am scared to say it.
but i feel like a bit of a douche about it......i have just been blowing her off.

(a little about symptoms...sorry. i have to write it somewhere)
this week i have had days of nausea and days of feeling fine. mostly feeling fine, which totally makes me even more nervous.

i changed prenatal vitamins this week, which i think has led to some constipation.... i think i am getting it under control.

yesterday the nausea got pushed to the next level, by the smell of dog food. i have been feeling like if i get sick, maybe i will feel better. WRONG! just felt more sick. i have realized i just can't eat too much at all....i am snacking constantly....no real meals... thats when i want to be sick.

i think my boobs grew overnight last night. and. they are standing up a little more. it feels like i got implants when i wasn't paying attention!!

i have also realized my pants are getting a little tighter....but only in the evening. in the morning they are fine...when i get home from work i just can't wait to get out of my clothes!

i am a sleeper. i have always been a hard sleeper. my whole life. i think this is the worst change happening. i am not usually one who gets up in the night to pee or get a drink. but lately, i am awake to pee at least once a night if not more. and the other day i woke up because i was thirsty! really! thirsty?! never in my life. it made me angry....which made it harder to go back to sleep. i have also been tossing and turning....unable to stay comfortable. left side. right side. covers on. covers off. it's not so fun

the pio is getting a little more difficult..... but still 100% better than the dreadful endometrin! it feels like the top layer of skin is feeling a little numb, and under the skin, welts. not big, but they are there. in the morning, as i roll out of bed....thats when i really feel it! for some reason, thats when it hurts the most.

i've been reading blogs this week, but not commenting too much. i am sorry. but know that i am reading and paying attention. :D

tomorrow.....6 weeks! (i think. 6 weeks ago was cycle start) :D

Sunday, June 5, 2011


i'm just scared.

such good news, and i really am trying to stay positive, but really, it's hard.

10 days til the ultrasound. i thought the 2ww was hard. this is terrible. i hope these next 10 days go fast.

so i have been feling ok. not great.
nausea comes and goes everyday. (it's worse when i'm in the car) i have been eating close to every 2 hours, just to keep from feeling sick....
the gas is horrendous!! that's all i can say.....horrendous.
i get tired a lot lately too.
and then there is the feeling.....it's like a constant feeling that something is going on in my ute. it feels kinda cool.
i hope the feeling stays. i don't want it to go away!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Beta #3

when we got to dr.d's office this morning all the girls were soooo excited. it was awesome.
after they took my blood, they scheduled my ultrasound.

i told them i didn't want to wait long, but would rather wait until the chance is better that we will see a heartbeat. sooooo, we have to wait two weeks. ultrasound was scheduled for June 16th. (6w6d)

then the waiting began......

i called best friend and asked her to entertain me for the day...... i needed something to do, as i didn't have to work.

around 12:30 i started to watch the clock. 1:30 they still hadn't called. 1:45 i was starting to panic...... i was getting afraid of bad news. 2:00 i texted one of the girls in the office. i told her i was starting to freak out.
she said they just got results and would call soon, and everything was fine:)

half an hour later the phone FINALLY rang.

they said it was good news!!


i was so excited my whole body was shaking. i couldn't even help it.

bestie had a friend at her house when i got the call....it was funny. i didn't want to say anything in front of "L" so i took the call privately. bestie's hubs came out of his office and did a little dance so "L" didn't see, and when "L" had her back turned to bestie, she did the same little dance. they were so cute xoxo

please lord let this 2 weeks go by quickly and with no reason for me to panic. and please lord let these next 34-36 weeks be uneventful and full of happiness, with a healthy little baby g (the oatmeal raisin baby) growing perfectly inside me.