Friday, October 29, 2010

CD 28

if it were one year ago and i was on CD 28 i would be POAS. but this year i am not. last year i did not make it to CD28 EVER! i am a 26 day girl. that is just how it is.... even when i was on the pill and not TTC.

but this year, this time CD 28 is not so shocking. last cycle was 20 days, the one before that was 47 days, the one before that was 22 days. i guess really, i haven't had a normal AF since March, after IUI #2. 7 months without a normal period. i don't even remember what normal felt like.

no symptoms of that bitch AF either. no boob soreness, which is usually my dead give away.

oh well..... we shall see.

i know one thing for sure. the break will be good for getting AF back on a (hopefully) regular schedule.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

i told my dad

yup, i told him.

about the fertility treatments. about the ivf, the whole thing.

he knew. well he knew something was up.

i mean, not because anyone told him.... just cause he knew.

it was hard, and there was so much noise on both ends of the phone, but i got it out.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

Why did I do that??!!

please someone tell me....
why oh why oh why...

yesterday when i called bff for our usual morning chat she asked us to go to the pumpkin patch with them. i thought ok, that might be fun. told her i would call her after i ran my errands.
i thought about it and decided i didn't think it was for me.

but then after my errands i stopped at bff's house to see her for a few minutes and to hang out with her son before they went to the pumpkin patch.... (it's the best part about them living down the street... i get to see their little man whenever i want. i am obsessed with him :D, his name is Bubba, he is 1.) so i was hanging out with Bubba, who was for some reason extra cute yesterday, and then the peer pressure kicked in. i decided to go, and luckily DH said he would go too :D

as soon as i got out of the car i thought, uh oh, not a great idea. it was like an infertile's nightmare. happy family's everywhere, little areas set up everywhere for photo op's, babies everywhere. it's like the quintessential fall family photo.

i was ok for a little bit. i took Bubba into the pumpkin patch and i took photos. it was good. but after that i was done. it was too much. we had to leave. i was happy we had taken our own car, but we were there with 2 other couples, i felt like such a douche, but i just had to go. i told BFF i was leaving, and we were out.

DH was beside himself. he was frustrated with me, and we argued in the car on the way home. i didn't even care about the arguing. as soon as we were out of there the tightness in my chest was gone. i was better.
note to self: no more pumpkin patches until we have a baby.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Welcome ICLW

Thanks for checking out my blog!
For my story, here is the short version, and here is the long version.... hope you can stop by every once in a while :D

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

life goes on....

there are things happening in my world, i am sorry i haven't posted about them.
but this is also a good start for ICLW, my very first. if this is your first visit to my blog, Welcome!!
If not, thank you so much for your support.....and sorry, this is a long post :D

first, some background info:
From 2001 until 2009 I worked for the same restaurant company. 8 years. from the time i was 21 until the time i was 29. my entire adult life. i started out as an hourly employee, working my way through college; hosting, serving, bar tending.

after i graduated from college, i had no idea what i wanted to do.... after a few months i got bored.... i mean for 5 years i was busy. i was working to support myself, partying like you are supposed to in college, and of course going to school. my plate was full. so after a couple months with no school, i got bored. my boss at the time thought i should work on a management development program. i liked my boss, i trusted him, so i did it. after a couple months i was offered a position as a full time restaurant manager. not something i ever wanted to do. but i figured this would be a learning experience like none other. to learn about business..... (my bachelors is in social psychology... i knew NOTHING about running a business) so i accepted the position.

i began working hard. as soon as i was out of training i knew this job was kind of fun. and i loved learning about the business. i wanted a promotion, i worked hard and i got promoted after a year. i was asked to go to other restaurants within the company to help, to make them better. i did everything asked of me and more. i was having fun. making money. and getting positive feedback. i didn't even care about the 60 hour work week.

after about 2 and a half years i was moved to a restaurant that had lots of problems. the entire management team was let go, i was put there with a director of operations to clean up the restaurant, and train new managers to take over. things got crazy, i was working 14 hour days, 7 days a week, i was overwhelmed and felt unappreciated. i got tired and angry. i started to really not like my job.

then, i was transferred back to my old store.... it was good and bad. good because i wouldn't be working so much..... bad because it didn't matter were i was, i was over it. i had had enough.

i looked for other jobs, not very actively. i worked with a recruiter occasionally, did a couple interviews, but nothing really looked interesting to me.

DH knew i was miserable, and also knew i was ready for a baby. we decided to stick it out. i would stay at my current job until we had a baby, take advantage of the benefits and sick/vacation time i had. and then i would stop working. we started trying in january 2009.
in february 2009 we moved out of our tiny apartment and into a beautiful home. 3 bedrooms, plenty of room to start a family. i was happy. i had taken a vacation the week we moved, it was just easier.

the day i went back to work after vacation, we had a meeting. usually a normal thing, no big deal, monday was always meeting day.... sometimes vp's came and sometimes they didn't.
when we saw the HR girl, we knew. They had decided to close our restaurant.
7 managers would be laid off. they were not offering positions in other restaurants.
after the meeting i called DH, he was happy. happy for me, that i no longer would be working in a job i desperately hated..... happy i would be able to take some time off...... happy that i might get back to my old self.

really, it's the swift kick i needed. so i wouldn't be stuck in a job i hated going no where.

i took a few months off. no work, just relaxing.... it was great... i decided i was going to get a job as a waitress and go back to school.... PERFECT!! I was going to get my Masters. Awesome!!

I easily got a waitress job. i called my old boss, the one who got me into management in the first place..... he hired me instantly. this was last july. I realize now with all the stress i was under the chance of getting pregnant was slim to none. but we moved forward.


i decided that i wanted to get pregnant more than i wanted to go back to school. so we focused all our energy on just that. by september, 9 months of TTC, i was a mess. in october i decided there was a problem, we were going to have to seek help in getting pregnant.
i knew my health benefits from my old job were amazing, but i didn't realize how amazing they were until i called to find out about infertility benefits. when they said those words i almost passed out "lifetime maximum: unlimited" Really??? Seriously???
So we got an RE.
I explained the situation. I am on COBRA. My benefits run out in early november, that gives us 10 months to get pregnant. Dr. D was on board and ready.

HSG. Bloodwork 2 IUI's... BFN. Laparoscapy, hysteroscopy, and D & C. After the second BFN, DH and I decided we were moving on. IVF. I mean why not, it's covered, lets do it. no wasting time.
We did it. The meds were no big deal, everything was covered. i was excited and nervous. i started blogging to find others who know what it feels like.
Beta # 1: Positive Beta...26!!!
Beta # 2: 76!!!!

Then it got ugly.

Beta # 3: 75 (not viable, stopped all meds)
Beta # 4: Tracking beta back to zero.... came back at 261
Beta # 5: 354
Beta # 6: 261
eventually it was treated as an ectopic, and i got a shot..... finally it was over.

So it's now july. i am not pregnant. i am in a going no where job. and i am loosing health benefits in 4 months. i started thinking about my options.
We decided to try one more IVF. We had two embabies frozen, but we decided to do a fresh cycle. I had to look at things from a money perspective.

If we did a frozen cycle in August, would we have enough time to do a fresh cycle after and get it all done before the beginning of november if we had to.


we could do a fresh cycle, stim hard. get as many embryo's as we can, hope for the BFP, but still have frozen embies left if it didn't work.

Bottom line: Frozen cycles are much cheaper than fresh.
Because our first RE was insistent on a frozen cycle we went to a new doctor. Our new RE would do a fresh cycle. All was good.

meanwhile, i had started thinking about my job options.
Option 1: i could stay where i am at. buy private healthcare, save money, and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 2: i could look for a new job, a management job. Benefits included, better pay. but working a 55-65 hour work week. save and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 3: swallow my pride. call my old job, and see if they will hire me back at an hourly position. Amazing benefits, fertility treatments included, 25 hours a week, low pay, but still enough to be saving.

DH and i talked it out.....really, it was not a hard decision....the hardest part was taking the first step and calling them. so now, for the last three weeks i have been working for my former employer. i am a hostess. i make ok money at an hourly rate. i have to maintain 25 hours a week to be eligible for health benefits in 6 months. but after that 6 months i will have the same coverage that i had before.
lifetime maximum for fertility treatments: unlimited.
it was a no brainer. i just had to get over my ego.

if someone had told me 10 years ago that this is where i would be today, i would have been so sad. but today, who i am is so very different. today i am making the decisions i need to. the decisions that will get me to my dream job.....a mom.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010


Today I am 31.

30 sucked. A lot.

I am so hopeful that 31 will be better.
I plan to get healthy and get knocked up!! :)


So......AF showed up on Friday last week. TOTALLY EARLY. and TOTALLY UNWELCOME.

I was not happy. I mean really.
Along with AF came some nasty, disgusting pimples. Like I was fifteen or something.
So. not. awesome.

Well, AF is just about gone. and the pimples are leaving too.