Sunday, November 28, 2010

a rock and a hard place

i am conflicted..... i am not sure what the right thing to do.
i spoke with DH about this last night, and he was no help.......

ok, so here's the situation.
i have 2 jobs.....

job #1 i started in july of 2009..... DH and I were starting to get frustrated with the TTC efforts, i had just started to make some changes to be healthier. for example not drinking, no caffeine....
now in the restaurant business you work with a lot of people who party, and they party HARD. so basically, i don't really hang out with anyone from this job because they love to party, and i was trying to get knocked up..... it's ok, not the end of the world.

now i have job #2..... some of these people i have worked with on and off for 10 years..... some of these people i have partied my ass of with. i mean i spent the first half of my twenty's getting fucked up with some of these people. yes we are all older and wiser, but still, they knew me in what seems to be another life.
also, as i grew professionally, i became a boss to many of these people, so there is another group within this restaurant who don't know me as the fun, have a good time jessica, but i would love to hang out with every once in a while.

so now, as i am back in an hourly position, i am torn..... torn because of IF. it kills me.

because we are on a break, i am ready to have a little fun, let my hair down..... i am allowed to hang out with whomever i want, and they want to hang out. ( as a manager, i was not allowed to hang out with my employees)

but what happens when our break ends..... what happens when i go back to being the hormonal, self-injecting, hermit-like, well behaved, symptom chasing jessica.

my friends, the people i have known forever. the people i love and trust know about the IF. i DO NOT want people i work with to know about our struggle. i do not want to lie about why i can't go have a drink after work, i do not want them speculating as to my pregnancy status, i want nothing to do with it. so what do i do?

i feel stuck.

i would so love to go have a drink and have some fun after work, but at the same time, i don't want to have to explain myself when i am unable to cut loose and have fun anymore. Dh said i was being anti-social.

IF makes me feel lonely in so many ways.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

happy belated thanksgiving!

so, i've been a very bad blogger!!

ICLW..... i totally screwed that up! i haven't been near my blog since monday, and for that i am truly sorry! for those of you who have joined me, Thanks!! and Welcome!! i know i have missed out on some awesome blogs....i hope to catch up!

for those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!!

DH and I have adopted Thanksgiving. It is officially our holiday. We have let everyone know, and for the last 3 years, Thanksgiving is at our house. Whether there are 2 people or 25 people, we will be cooking for turkey day! i mean really, i think the food snobs should always host holiday's which revolve around food. and yes, we are without a doubt food snobs :D

we started cooking on wednesday.... and man was it worth it!!
we split up the cooking because we don't work well together in the kitchen.
I made a brined and roasted turkey (the best turkey I ever ate, and the first I have ever made), green bean casserole, butternut squash, candied yams, cranberry sauce, a pumpkin pie, and a caramel apple upside down cake. Yum!
DH made a deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing, sausage and potato bread stuffing, and mac and cheese.
Everything was delicious. We had my mom and brother over, as well as my BF with her husband and their son. A few people dropped by after dinner to take some leftovers home and hang out a bit. I drank mimosa's all day and had a blast cooking and hanging out with some of my favorite people. I was passed out (and i am sure i was drooling on myself) by 6:30.

all in all an awesome thanksgiving.

i am so grateful for the people in my life, and my passion for cooking and feeding people!

i have been dreaming of a new television. it is necessary. so late on thursday evening DH and I decided we were not at all interested in the mayhem of Black Friday, the 4am shopping. this is something i have never done, and frankly, not something i ever want to do.
so we looked online and found what I think was a great deal, and we were snug in our beds at 4 am!!
we did it!! YAY!! A new T.V.!!
A 46'' Panasonic Plasma for $500!!
I can't wait for it to get here..... we have to wait til thursday. It's kind of nice though, because Hanukkah starts on wednesday. (DH is jewish)

Then friday morning my mom called, she wanted me to show her a painting i have been in love with for about a year..... and to see if it was on sale. we ll it was!! and i got my christmas gift early!! here is a photo......

i love it! every time i look at it i like it more!! and it makes me smile! :D

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Welcome November ICLW!

Hello!! Thanks for stopping by!
I love visitors!!

So here's the story.....

Me: 31. Dx: Doctor #1 = Cervical Stenosis Doctor #2 = Unexplained. Either way, i don't really care what the diagnosis is.... would just like to get off this ride. started TTC January 2009. started seeing an RE January 2010. 2 IUI's = BFN, IVF #1 = chemical, treated as an ectopic, IVF #2 = Canceled. Right now we are on a break. partially because we are waiting for insurance benefits to kick in, but mostly so i don't rip each and every hair out of my head. i needed a mental health break :D We have 2 day five beautiful and perfect blasts on ice, just need some time to get back to me.

DH: 32. No Issues. Amazing. Supportive. Perfect. He will be the most amazing dad ever. When I realized how amazing a father he would be, I decided this was the man that I will marry.

Now we are saving money, and getting healthy..... in a mind, body and soul kind of way. and praying to get through the holidays without too much drama! :D

Here is my extra long story if you are interested....

Basically, all i ever wished for is to be a mom.
Thanks for stopping by! come back soon!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

CD 1

I was starting to think she would never come.....

46 day cycle. WOW!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I found myself happy today. Happy for no reason at all.
It felt so strange to feel happy. It has been so long. It's been so long since I smiled for no reason at all. And today I did.
I feel like I won today!!

I knew I needed a break. But I don't think I realized how bad. I thought about the last 5 months today, and I decided, I have without a doubt been walking around in a fog. An IF induced fog. Everything I am. Everything has revolved around IF. Until now.
I have not seen my RE since Sept 24. It feels good to not think about wandings, or injections or the next cycle, or insurance.

Don't get me wrong, it's still there. I am a changed person, a new person forever.

But today I realized I can still be happy.