Thursday, June 24, 2010

m is for methotrexate

That's right, i am being sent to the cancer center at my local hospital for a little methotrexate.

There is no sign of pregnancy any where in my uterus, which unfortunately means this is being considered an ectopic pregnancy. YUCK!! i just don't like the sound of that.
so we decided to make things quick and easy, a little shot will get rid of the problem. sounds good to me. i am ready to move on. i dealt with the loss and the heartache of the IVF not working over 2 weeks ago, i am over it. i am looking forward. i have seen pictures of my two beautiful blastocysts on ice and i am ready for them. i hope they are ready for me!!!

dr. d's office does not administer these shots, so he is sending me to the closest place that does! when he explained to me where we were going he said, "you are going to the cancer center, but don't worry, you don't have cancer, so just accept it and move on." for some reason his was extremely funny to me.

he called to have them schedule me for the shot for tomorrow morning. they couldn't squeeze me in. this is strange and annoying to me. really? you can't squeeze me in for a shot?? even though my doctor has asked you to?? so whatever, tuesday morning we will check out of our hotel in beautiful key west, and drive like the wind to make it to my 2pm appt. No problem. At least i can enjoy my weekend away without any random side effects. I will not be anywhere near google looking up any info about the shot until our drive home, thanks to my trusty iphone. :D


After all, we are going away to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary!! YAY!!
today= ultrasound and decision making time.
friday's beta was 356
monday's beta was 261
yesterday's beta was 276
when nurse m called yesterday to tell me it went back up, i couldn't even control myself. i said, "what the fuck!!" this made nurse m hysterical. i am getting to the point where the fluctuating beta's are comical. like really, this is ridiculous.

so, back to see dr. d today. i guess we have to decide on how to get rid of my empty placenta. (this is what i have been calling it)
not to excited about my options.

i am however excited that tomorrow morning we are leaving for key west!!! yay!! god do i need to get out of this town. on monday i asked nurse m to get with dr. d about my vacation.
3 questions
1. can i drink?
2. can i have sex???
3. can i go on a boat?

nurse m immediately responded with "As long as you do all 3 together!!" I love that girl <3

so dr. d called later that day to find out what was going on, if i had fallen off the IF wagon.
I think nurse m forgot to mention the whole going away part. dr. d. said I could enjoy myself, but not to party like i am at a frat party, as i may still get nausea from the empty placenta. (not his words)
YAY!!! i am so excited to get away and relax, party a little, and have some fun.
and maybe i will do all 3 together!! :D

Saturday, June 19, 2010

will this cycle ever end

ok, so thursday i had to go in for a beta. they wanted to track my beta down to zero. i was annoyed. i mean, i understand, but it's still annoying. your not pregnant, but, lets keep doing blood tests to make sure.

i was expecting a call from nurse M. thats my girl, i love nurse m! so when i picked up the phone and heard dr. d's voice, i knew it wasn't going to be good.

my beta came back at 261.
really. this is not what i wanted to hear
(most women in my situation would love to hear about a beta of 261. but not at 30dp3dt. this is beta #4. 261 is not a good number.)

so dr. d said it could be a couple things:

1. best case scenario: beta is on the way back down. i had passed some tissue and had major cramping over the weekend. so thinking and hoping this is what it was.

2. some placental tissue attached to my uterus that is continuing to grow. this is gross.

3. ectopic pregnancy. NO FUN!!!

he asked that i come in monday for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, so that we could track my beta's and see what is going on. and then i told him that i was having major cramping all day. painful, like my worst period cramping. dr. d then suggested i go in friday instead of waiting the weekend.

so yesterday i woke up with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. off to see dr. d.
as soon as we got to the office, the waterworks began. nurse m gave me the look my bestie gives me when there is nothing to say. i love her. as soon as i sat down for bloodwork, she told me we were going to do an ultrasound, and then chat with dr. d. YUCK. i mean i love dr. d, but it was said in that, "i'm sorry but there is a problem" kind of way. YUCK.

as soon as dr.d walked into the ultrasound room, i became hysterical. this is the first time that i have cried in front of dr. d. he was great about it. i love him.

ultrasound revealed a small cyst on left ovary. thats it. dr. d said everything looked good. he also said he does not believe that it is an ectopic. god i hope not. he said we will continue to track the situation, back on monday for another beta.

beta number five, still going up. i was so upset i didn't even ask for a number.

this whole situation is ridiculous. i am upset, and sad. i am sad because i am not pregnant. but i am mostly upset. upset because, if i had just gotten my period like every other month, the BFN would not be so painful. the fact that this is being drawn out, into some strange gynecological drama, makes it so much worse. i would just like a period please. i don't even care if it is a bad period. just a period. bring it on AF!!

i just feel alone. i don't think there is anyone out there who can say anything to make me feel better today. i hate that feeling.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

follow up beta

this makes me angry.
i woke up angry this morning, and now 4 hours later, i am still angry.
i had to go in today for a beta to make sure my hcg is going back down to zero. a shot at the infertile, a stomp on my heart.

can't we just move on.

i hate IF!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

prepping for the follow up

i scheduled the ivf follow up appt for monday morning at 8:30am.

this is probably crazy. i thought several times about changing the appointment, but really, lets just get it over with. i would like to get the answers i need, and move on. i don't want to be thinking about all the what if's for any more time.
so this morning, i made breakfast for my amazing husband, and now have been prepping for the "www appt"
i have a lot of questions. i have written them all down, and i plan to run through the list and get answers. dr. d may want to kill me after tomorrow. :D
there were a lot of questions i had throughout the cycle that i didn't ask. probably because i think that i know how to keep myself from going absolutely insane...
questions i did not ask throughout this ivf cycle include egg and embryo quality. i think that this could have made things worse if i knew while it was going on, no matter if the news is good or bad.
we plan to move forward with another ivf cycle. i have insurance coverage which pays for everything. i mean everything. unfortunately, my insurance coverage is over on november 7th. i will be loosing the best insurance on the face of the planet, so,we would like to fully take advantage while we can.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

not viable


the beta went down. "not a viable pregnancy"
those words sound so terrible.
i think i let my hopes get too high after monday's beta went well.
when i was leaving the doctors office today the receptionist asked if i was keeping my hopes up.... that was when i started to doubt that today's beta would be good. SHIT!
dr. d said i would be getting my period, and also might feel a little depressed....well obviously i might feel depressed! SHIT!
back to the drawing board.

Monday, June 7, 2010




Holy moly!! I am so excited!!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

today i am pregnant

today i am pregnant, but tomorrow i might not be.

pregnancy gray area is not really fun. for people who have never worn these shoes it is positive or negative, there is no maybe you are pregnant....especially after a blood test.

so, 26. that was my beta on friday at 17 dpo..... who knows what tomorrow will hold.
i think i will be more surprised if it is a climb in the right direction, than if it is a negative.

this is the first time i have ever been pregnant in my life.... wow. that's crazy. but it could be quickly taken away from me tomorrow.

Saturday, June 5, 2010


So Dr.D called yesterday as I was walking through HomeGoods with BFF. My phone rang, and I knew who it was before I even looked at the caller id. I slid my finger over my iphone to answer the call. I slid it again. the touchscreen wasn't working, i couldn't pick up the call. i started to panic and then it picked up.
"Hi Dr.D"
Dr. D did not sound great, "Hi Jessica, we got back your beta, the number is really low. 26"

I don't think i have ever had so many emotions running through my body. Excited it wasn't negative..... sad it wasn't an awesome number like 208 or something.
Dr. D was not happy with this number,26, it seemed as though he just didn't want me to get my hopes up. So i will continue with progesterone and estrogen patches and go back on Monday for another beta. Hopefully a beta in the 200 range :D

There is a part of me that just has to stay positive. It could go up. If we stay positive, maybe the beta will stay positive. That's all I can think.

Friday, June 4, 2010


Today was the beta.....

Waiting on results.

I started spotting yesterday, it was like brown bits. I did not let it get to me. No big deal. Spotting is normal. Everything is ok.

As soon as we got to Dr. D's office this morning the waterworks began. I couldn't even stop it. I guess I was crying because I was relieved that we actually made it to beta day. It was just finally being there after two weeks. I couldn't even handle it. I love the nurses in Dr. D's office!! Everyone stopped what they were doing. There were like 5 other patients there, and they all made me feel like i was the only one who was important!! I love love love those ladies!!

Well the wait is almost over.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Still Waiting......
Tomorrow is cycle day 26. D-day I guess. If I am not preggo, I could get AF tomorrow. CD 26 is always when it comes. I am secretly scared. Why couldn't I have already had my beta??
I took off work tomorrow and friday. There is no way in hell that i wanted to be caught off guard with any news. Maybe this is me being negative, but I think this is also me protecting my heart from unnecessary hurt.
Wish me luck!!
Will post after my beta on friday.