Wednesday, February 29, 2012

where im at

i have to apologize right up front.... my mind is all over the place, so, this post is surely going to run in a million different directions.

it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.

over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.

AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work

i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.

so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......

- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.

along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.

today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).

and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.

i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

resolve support group

i was just looking around the resolve website and found a support group in my area....
it's meeting tonight.

has anyone ever gaone to one of these?
what do you think?

maybe i will go?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

cd2 and a gift

thats 2. my valentines day
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.

when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.

so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.

i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.

hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!

Monday, February 13, 2012

im not ok

nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.

there are more.

but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.

Friday, February 10, 2012


its over. beta today was 18. i am to stop all meds.

wish my hubs was here. im destroyed.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

here's the story

hubs is away. and the day we started stims i just knew our beta would happen while he was out of the state. and of course on the day of transfer when they gave us our beta was when hubs is away. i didn't even fight it. i knew they wouldn't move it up.... not for that. so i was ok for a while.

and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.

so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.

tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?

i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)

i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.

this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.

i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.

i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.

i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.

i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.

so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.

also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Hot mess

That's me. Hot fucking mess. I can't get it together today.
Hubs left for a business trip this morning. Won't be back til Sunday. I have to get through beta's without him. And quite frankly.... I'm not feeling too hopeful today.
I've cried several times today. Once in the shower.... Sobs.

I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work. Trying to pull myself together. Hopefully it's busy so my mind will be occupied for a few hours.

Monday, February 6, 2012


still in the wait..... waiting forever!! i tried to get my clinic to let me have beta today.... no such luck.

my last two ivf cycles i have kept track of symptoms each day during my 2ww. this time i didn't. partially because i didn't want to make myself crazy thinking about symptoms, and partially because i was being lazy.
but i just want to write a few things down.... this is more for me than anything else. but read on if you want

sat 11dp3dt- felt pretty good. boobs still sore only on the sides and sensitive nipples. was tired during the day.... rested until work at 5. during work was super thirsty but felt pretty good. sleeping has been crappy. difficult to be comfortable all night.

sun 12dp3dt- worked during the day. felt good in morning.... very hungry. around 1:30 started to get cramps. was supposed to work until 5. left at 3 because of cramping. went home to lay down for a while.....felt ok. went to friends for superbowl....spent the whole time on the couch....cramping and feeling cold. got up only to eat and pee. home by 8. in bed by 8:30. still cramping. took some tylenol to help with cramps and mild headache. woke up once to pee in the night. again difficulty sleeping all night.

mon 13dp3dt- up again to pee at 7:30. spotting. brown. just barely a little red. FREAKED OUT!! wiped about a million times after that.... continue spotting but only brown. cramping continues. also in am lots of sneezing and nose blowing.
called dr office on the way to work. they told me to go home. went to work, was there for about 15 min and got sent home. boss said to leave. home and in bed by 11:30. stil cramping, but going to rest the rest of the day.

please please please let this be good. please.

Thursday, February 2, 2012


its TVT..... the 2ww version.
also known as SVT!

- today we are 8dp3dt...beta is forever from now
- P4 checked yesterday.... nurse k was super excited when she called with results. 56.76
- super weepy lately....cried during "live with kelly" today (seriously)
- major cramping the last 2 days
- if i had a dollar for every time i have squeezed, pushed, or grabbed my boobs to see if they hurt.... i would be able to pay for several IVF cycles... they still hurt....and are feeling a little on the hard side
- indigestion.... which i HATE!! thank god for tums
- today i had super light spotting at work... i kind of freaked out.... i tried to keep cool at first, but it wasn't happening. i knew it could be good news but i still freaked. called hubs. he told me to relax, and said if i can't relax i should call the doctors office so they can tell me its ok.
i called. spoke to nurse i knew she would she said it was ok, and probably good. she said i should relax and sit with my feet up for a few minutes..... i work in a restaurant...hard to do, but i made it happen. and got out of work a little early, so i could go home and relax.
- i had the nurse draw a diagram on my back so hubs is making sure he is putting my shots in the right place. there have been a couple days where i just knew....because of the was totally in the wrong place. and a couple days where there was bleeding. nurse k said if i was bleeding it is definitely in the wrong spot, and possibly hitting a nerve....... explains some of my PIO pain.
- thanks for all your support ladies!!! you make the wait a little less evil