Sunday, November 20, 2011

welcome iclw

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i have had some trouble blogging lately. it has been hard. i have been following the same group of ladies for almost 2 years, and lucky for them, most of them have achieved what we are all hoping and wishing for. i am so happy for these women, but it's hard sometimes to look for support from a group of people who are now blogging about something else.....the something i wish for everyday.... the something i have wished for all my life. i am hoping that maybe this iclw will being me some new friends. some new blogs to follow. and the support i need right now.

5. we started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

7. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

8. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

9. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

10. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

11. we started another IVF cycle in September.... September 28th was Rosh Hashana, the jewish new year. and beta day. i was hoping for an amazing start to the new year. instead..... BFN

12. at our WTF appointment i asked our doctor to basically run every test known to man. even if he had run it before. i needed to make sure. everything came back normal. i was happy and sad at the same time.

13. currently i am on a break. i had a hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy less than 2 weeks ago. so this month is a wash. and next month will be crazy enough with work and the holidays i don't want to add fertility drugs to the mix. i'm not into that kind of insanity.
hopefully we will be ready to go again in january. i still have hopes for a take home baby in 2012.

14. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom.

its all i ever wished for.......

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

mind your own business

dh and i dated for 7+ years before we were engaged. and for maybe 5 years i endured te question, "when are you getting married."
as if i had some control over it. i mean really, i am not the type of girl who would "pop the question". i would wait. i also wasn't sure if i wanted to get married... at least when we started getting asked the question. i started dating dh at 21. i wasn't really into thinking about marriage for a long time..... maybe around 26 or 27. but the constant question.... the constant nag.

it. drove. me. crazy.

now. we have been married for over 3 years. now we get the dreaded question. you know where i'm going with this.

"are you going to have a baby" or "when are you having a baby."

sometimes i freeze and get all awkward. sometimes i feel my face turn red. and sometimes i fight back tears.

i have come up with a standard response to these questions, and anyone with half a brain usually gets it. usually they stop. my response to people i work with is generally "i hope." and it gets left at that. people don't really know how to respond to an answer like, hopefully we will have kids. to people outside of work my response is something along the lines of "it's not so easy for everyone". which almost always ends the questioning. unless someone has struggled. then i usually rejoice in the feeling that i am not alone.

and then there are the occasional brain dead idiots who push. who don't get it and ask more questions. today i was confronted by such an asshole. a girl i work with. she has asked me several times in the past about having children, to which i always respond with my standard. and today i did the same. usually she leaves it alone, but today after my response, "i hope" she asked what i meant by that.

a flood of answers came running through my head. mostly rude and inappropriate, but it had been a long day. i didn't get upset or sad.

i said, "i have had two miscarriages."

i wanted to follow up with something along the lines of, 'would you like to see pictures of my embryos. the ones that died.'
'maybe we could talk about the miscarriage i had on my second wedding anniversary. followed by the d&c on my third.

but that was enough. i could tell, that as i looked her dead in the eyes and said those words, she was done. she felt 2 feet tall. and i felt great. it felt great to put her in her place. to make her understand.

sometimes when i tell people of my loses i feel good. i feel good to share. i feel like i am somehow doing my part, that maybe when i say those words i can make someone feel better. that they are not alone. it may sound crazy, but i just don't think that losing a pregnancy means you are part of a secret club. an unspoken club of women whose hearts have been broken. my heart has broken. and i know i'm not alone.

i don't ever want someone who has felt my pain to ever feel alone.

but at the same time, i feel like people who don't know what it's like to struggle should be put in their place occasionally. i know it wasn't nice for me to burst her bubble at work today. but seriously, some people should just mind their own business.

Monday, November 14, 2011

i didn't fall off the planet

nope. still here. just nothing really to say. here is an update. bullet point style ;)

* results came back from our bloodwork. all within normal levels. i was happy and sad at the same time. YAY! i dont have an auto-immune disease. or choromosomal abnormalities. or any other crazy thing happening. BOO! i dont have an auto-immune disease. or choromosomal abnormalities. or any other crazy thing happening. so what the fuck gives. same for DH. all normal.

*mid october i called to schedule my hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy. the nurse asked if dh and i had been having "unprotected intercourse". my answer was "umm.... yeah". she said we had to wait until af came around again. seriously. i think we might be ok. whatever.

*when af was 6 days late i called to seeif i could get in for bloodwork.... they asked if i had POAS. "No."
they asked me to POAS and call 3 days later if she still hadn't showed. i had pee sticks in the house from ivf #3. so the next morning as a good girl, i POAS using FMU. before i looked at the test, i wiped, and there she was. fucking bitch.

*so i called to schedule my hysteroscopy. which of course gets scheduled for the most annoying time possible.... so many work conflicts. but, whatever.

*hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy was done on thursday. everything went smooth. no polyps or endometriosis found and cervix dialated. again. (except for the brutal constipation from all the meds....sorry)

*i have decided we will not be cycling in the month of december. i love my husband and don't want to kill him. and i need my job because of the amazing healthcare, i don't want to get fired for yelling at a stupid person. my hair is pretty, i don't want to rip it all out of my head. all things that might happen if i were to add IVF to the rest of the insanity that is december. so maybe i will start bcp in january.

*i have been letting it all hang out so to speak. not worrying about anything IF related since the beginning of october. my break is over.
back to taking care of business. back to weight watchers, prenatal vitamins and all the other supplements. less wine consumption and a little more care of my body and what is left of my egg quality.

i'm still hoping for a 2012 take home baby.....