welcome iclw

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i have had some trouble blogging lately. it has been hard. i have been following the same group of ladies for almost 2 years, and lucky for them, most of them have achieved what we are all hoping and wishing for. i am so happy for these women, but it's hard sometimes to look for support from a group of people who are now blogging about something else.....the something i wish for everyday.... the something i have wished for all my life. i am hoping that maybe this iclw will being me some new friends. some new blogs to follow. and the support i need right now.

5. we started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

7. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

8. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

9. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

10. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

11. we started another IVF cycle in September.... September 28th was Rosh Hashana, the jewish new year. and beta day. i was hoping for an amazing start to the new year. instead..... BFN

12. at our WTF appointment i asked our doctor to basically run every test known to man. even if he had run it before. i needed to make sure. everything came back normal. i was happy and sad at the same time.

13. currently i am on a break. i had a hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy less than 2 weeks ago. so this month is a wash. and next month will be crazy enough with work and the holidays i don't want to add fertility drugs to the mix. i'm not into that kind of insanity.
hopefully we will be ready to go again in january. i still have hopes for a take home baby in 2012.

14. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom.

its all i ever wished for.......