Sunday, November 20, 2011

welcome iclw

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i have had some trouble blogging lately. it has been hard. i have been following the same group of ladies for almost 2 years, and lucky for them, most of them have achieved what we are all hoping and wishing for. i am so happy for these women, but it's hard sometimes to look for support from a group of people who are now blogging about something else.....the something i wish for everyday.... the something i have wished for all my life. i am hoping that maybe this iclw will being me some new friends. some new blogs to follow. and the support i need right now.

5. we started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

7. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

8. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

9. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

10. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

11. we started another IVF cycle in September.... September 28th was Rosh Hashana, the jewish new year. and beta day. i was hoping for an amazing start to the new year. instead..... BFN

12. at our WTF appointment i asked our doctor to basically run every test known to man. even if he had run it before. i needed to make sure. everything came back normal. i was happy and sad at the same time.

13. currently i am on a break. i had a hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy less than 2 weeks ago. so this month is a wash. and next month will be crazy enough with work and the holidays i don't want to add fertility drugs to the mix. i'm not into that kind of insanity.
hopefully we will be ready to go again in january. i still have hopes for a take home baby in 2012.

14. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom.

its all i ever wished for.......


  1. I can totally relate to the fact that blogging is an amazing thing. I've only been doing it myself for about 6 weeks, but I feel as if it's my "out" to say whatever I want about my infertility in whatever way I so chose. I, too, hope that I will be taking home a baby in 2012, and every night I will continue to pray for my blogging community that those that want to be mother's get their wish. Thanks for sharing your journey, I truly do appreciate it. :)

  2. Here's hoping 2012 is the year for us infertiles still in the trenches! Glad you've found the outlet you were searching for in blogging, it's nice to not feel so alone through this difficult journey.

  3. Blogging is such a wonderful free therapy through the worst and best of times! I hope that you get better news soon.


  4. Happy ICLW!

    Blogging helped me through a lot of difficult times, too. Although it stinks to know that so many other people are in the same boat, it's comforting at the same time.

  5. i took a long time off after our failed IVF. i've exhausted most of what i could give at the time. i recently started our blog back up again. but a new one. a new beginning. we're discussing adoption, but part of me wants to try IVF one more time... but i'm pretty sure i know what the outcome of that would be... :\

  6. So sorry to hear of your losses, we too had a successful ivf but lost our first child at 12 weeks in february this year. It does take a long time to get your feet back under you and try to move forward at all. Best wishes and I'm looking forward to following along!

  7. I think of blogging as community forming. As we tell our own story we touch others and are touched by others and strong bonds are formed. Some of my dearest friends are people I've met through the internet. Heck, my husband is someone I met through the internet. I hope you have a restful winter holiday season and that the new year brings you renewed hope and energy reserves for the next round of IVF, and of course, that it goes well for you. My bff has long struggled with infertility and I know how hard emotionally it can be. Take care of yourself and don't be shy about reaching out for support when you need it, lady. ~ICLW

  8. Here's hoping to a 2012 take home baby!

  9. thanks for the comment on my blog! Really hope you get all your wishes in 2012 - most of all that baby!
    It is hard when other people move on to having the baby and you're still stuck.
    But one day IT WILL BE YOU. Sending you postive vibes prayers and wishes!

  10. I love your lack of capitalization!

  11. Hey Jen, I'm here from ICLW! I also signed up for this month in hopes of connecting with other women still in the trenches. There was a landslide of BFPs in the past two months amongst the blogs I follow. I am so happy for them, but also getting a little lonely. I'm glad to have found your blog. I hope to start my first IVF in January, too.

  12. Hi Jes, stopping by through ICLW. I am so happy to find your blog and excited to see what 2012 will bring us!

  13. Hey Jes, thanks for the comments! I started blogging in hopes that at least one person could relate to what I was going through- who knew there were so many! Here's to 2012!

  14. I hear you! All I want is to be a mom too :) I hope that you and I and all of us can make those dreams come true sooner rather than later. I look forward to following your story!

  15. I like the bullet point style...someone else I follow was just posting about how they're doing a lot of bullet points lately too.

    I've also been left behind as a lot of fellow bloggers and people I know in real life have gotten their happy beginnings. I'm glad I finally started doing ICLW a couple months back so I could "meet" some new people. I'm glad you found my blog!

  16. Hi from ICLW!

    Wow, you have been through so much already. I'm not sure I would have the strength for all of that. Wishing you the best and a bfp soon.

  17. I appreciate what you said about having to take a break from time to time. Good for you for being able to recognize when you need it, and to take the time to get back to yourself. FIngers crossed for January!

  18. Hi from ICLW!

    I really understand what you mean about how valuable blogging has been for you. I truly feel like blogging got me through the mess of infertility.
    I'll be following along with you when you are ready to go again in January and have high high hopes for you in 2012!

  19. Hi, Jes. Your #14 made me laugh. I suppose I would have thought the same prior to TTC, too.

    May 2012 bring you all you wish for :-)

  20. Hello from ICLW!

    I agree about blogging through infertlity, it definitely helped me and still helps. It's good to get it all off of your chest,a nd to read others stories and learn new things from them. I think I know more about reproduction then I could have ever dreamed! And you know what? When you get your BFP, one day you will have a nice story already written to show your LO when they are older, just how much they are wanted and loved! :) Best of luck to you!

  21. Happy ICLW!!

    It seems like you have been a long journey!!

    Sending you lots of :pixie: that 2012 is your year.

  22. I agree with you about what an amazing place this blogging world is... I can't picture my life without the friendship and support I have received from my oline life...

  23. hey Jes,

    i know how hard it is to see everyone around you succeeding while you're still in the trenches. wishing everything for you that 2012 is your year (ours too, I hope!). happy ICLW and thanks for stopping by our blog.


  24. Lovely to see you back again... and here with you every TTC step along the way. Hopefully we'll both have our take-home bubs in 2012 :)) xoxo

  25. just saying hello, i stumbled upon ur blog on my daily read all u can concerning infertility mornings, didnt get to read it in its entirety though, but i will. anyway i write a blog myself, and just hoping tht we can journey along together on this infertile road to babyville.wishing u all the best

  26. Happy ICLW! I'm so glad you stopped by my blog. Wishing you the best for your up coming IVF cycle in January!

  27. thanks for stopping by this iclw!
    i know exactly how you feel... while i don't begrudge these women of their happiness, it's hard to see the posts that are so happy and full of promise when the news i get is - 'your eggs are few and old...we may only be able to harvest one or two but that doesn't also equate a positive pregnancy'
    best of luck in january. i will be starting my first IVF cycle then too.
    here's hoping for the best for both of us; and all of us left in the gullies.

  28. Hi Jes....there is so much heartache that you have witnessed.

    And for everything in the TTC arena before including the last BFN, I am just so sorry.

    I too saw many of my fellow bloggers take flight during the time I blogged about infertility. Some sailed through, some had short journeys.

    I hope that someday all of us here will hopefully be able to evolve into writing parenting blogs.

    Please take care. May 2012 bring you the baby(s) you have been waiting for so long.

  29. Thanks for stopping by my blog. Hoping 2012 brings you all you've ever wished for!

  30. <3 I'm so sorry to hear about all you've been through!! I can relate to MANY things you have experienced. I hope better things start coming your way!
    Thanks for stopping by my blog ICLW #29

  31. I'm sorry you had to go through so much heartache on your journey.
    Fingers crossed that 2012 will be you charmed year!

  32. Thanks for the comment Jes. I hope that 2012 brings good things for you. We are also planning to try again in January, we didn't want to mix all that in with the Holidays either! I've just been blogging for a few weeks and it has been so helpful to me already! *Hugs*

  33. thank you for visiting my blog...such amazing determination what with your struggles and weight loss and finding yourself amidst the chaos and uncertainty...I am making a wish that you find your much deserved 'happy ever after' very soon, let 2012 be your year...x

  34. Thank u for visiting my blog. So glad I found urs! I totally know what u mean about #4. Same thing w/ me, I followed their blogs and I cried with them when their cycles were unsuccessful and was sincerely happy for them when they carried to full term...but now it's like I got left behind. So happy that u have lost weight and are working ur way to finding urself again. Its so hard to not let IF define us. Hope u had a lovely Thanksgiving.