dh and i dated for 7+ years before we were engaged. and for maybe 5 years i endured te question, "when are you getting married."
as if i had some control over it. i mean really, i am not the type of girl who would "pop the question". i would wait. i also wasn't sure if i wanted to get married... at least when we started getting asked the question. i started dating dh at 21. i wasn't really into thinking about marriage for a long time..... maybe around 26 or 27. but the constant question.... the constant nag.
it. drove. me. crazy.
now. we have been married for over 3 years. now we get the dreaded question. you know where i'm going with this.
"are you going to have a baby" or "when are you having a baby."
sometimes i freeze and get all awkward. sometimes i feel my face turn red. and sometimes i fight back tears.
i have come up with a standard response to these questions, and anyone with half a brain usually gets it. usually they stop. my response to people i work with is generally "i hope." and it gets left at that. people don't really know how to respond to an answer like, hopefully we will have kids. to people outside of work my response is something along the lines of "it's not so easy for everyone". which almost always ends the questioning. unless someone has struggled. then i usually rejoice in the feeling that i am not alone.
and then there are the occasional brain dead idiots who push. who don't get it and ask more questions. today i was confronted by such an asshole. a girl i work with. she has asked me several times in the past about having children, to which i always respond with my standard. and today i did the same. usually she leaves it alone, but today after my response, "i hope" she asked what i meant by that.
a flood of answers came running through my head. mostly rude and inappropriate, but it had been a long day. i didn't get upset or sad.
i said, "i have had two miscarriages."
i wanted to follow up with something along the lines of, 'would you like to see pictures of my embryos. the ones that died.'
'maybe we could talk about the miscarriage i had on my second wedding anniversary. followed by the d&c on my third.
but that was enough. i could tell, that as i looked her dead in the eyes and said those words, she was done. she felt 2 feet tall. and i felt great. it felt great to put her in her place. to make her understand.
sometimes when i tell people of my loses i feel good. i feel good to share. i feel like i am somehow doing my part, that maybe when i say those words i can make someone feel better. that they are not alone. it may sound crazy, but i just don't think that losing a pregnancy means you are part of a secret club. an unspoken club of women whose hearts have been broken. my heart has broken. and i know i'm not alone.
i don't ever want someone who has felt my pain to ever feel alone.
but at the same time, i feel like people who don't know what it's like to struggle should be put in their place occasionally. i know it wasn't nice for me to burst her bubble at work today. but seriously, some people should just mind their own business.