Wednesday, November 16, 2011

mind your own business

dh and i dated for 7+ years before we were engaged. and for maybe 5 years i endured te question, "when are you getting married."
as if i had some control over it. i mean really, i am not the type of girl who would "pop the question". i would wait. i also wasn't sure if i wanted to get married... at least when we started getting asked the question. i started dating dh at 21. i wasn't really into thinking about marriage for a long time..... maybe around 26 or 27. but the constant question.... the constant nag.

it. drove. me. crazy.

now. we have been married for over 3 years. now we get the dreaded question. you know where i'm going with this.

"are you going to have a baby" or "when are you having a baby."

sometimes i freeze and get all awkward. sometimes i feel my face turn red. and sometimes i fight back tears.

i have come up with a standard response to these questions, and anyone with half a brain usually gets it. usually they stop. my response to people i work with is generally "i hope." and it gets left at that. people don't really know how to respond to an answer like, hopefully we will have kids. to people outside of work my response is something along the lines of "it's not so easy for everyone". which almost always ends the questioning. unless someone has struggled. then i usually rejoice in the feeling that i am not alone.

and then there are the occasional brain dead idiots who push. who don't get it and ask more questions. today i was confronted by such an asshole. a girl i work with. she has asked me several times in the past about having children, to which i always respond with my standard. and today i did the same. usually she leaves it alone, but today after my response, "i hope" she asked what i meant by that.

a flood of answers came running through my head. mostly rude and inappropriate, but it had been a long day. i didn't get upset or sad.

i said, "i have had two miscarriages."

i wanted to follow up with something along the lines of, 'would you like to see pictures of my embryos. the ones that died.'
'maybe we could talk about the miscarriage i had on my second wedding anniversary. followed by the d&c on my third.

but that was enough. i could tell, that as i looked her dead in the eyes and said those words, she was done. she felt 2 feet tall. and i felt great. it felt great to put her in her place. to make her understand.

sometimes when i tell people of my loses i feel good. i feel good to share. i feel like i am somehow doing my part, that maybe when i say those words i can make someone feel better. that they are not alone. it may sound crazy, but i just don't think that losing a pregnancy means you are part of a secret club. an unspoken club of women whose hearts have been broken. my heart has broken. and i know i'm not alone.

i don't ever want someone who has felt my pain to ever feel alone.

but at the same time, i feel like people who don't know what it's like to struggle should be put in their place occasionally. i know it wasn't nice for me to burst her bubble at work today. but seriously, some people should just mind their own business.


  1. There's A LOT of people who should mind their own business. The things that come out of some people's mouths is unreal to me sometimes. I always unleash my "story" to persistent rude people who used to bug me about having kids. I think that if they think it's okay to make me feel sad and awkward then I have the right to make them feel like crap after hearing what's really going on.

  2. I totally understand how you feel. Some people are really too insensitive asking the same question over and over again. I often find myself in those awkward situations when the same people get to ask dh and i as to when do we plan to have a baby that something inside me wanna burst out and say "How many times do you need to ask me that question b**ch? Do you really wanna make me feel that low about myself?". It was just a good thing that whenever dh is around, he was always quick to answer that he is a pro-reproductive health. But still, I am left with that sad feeling of still not having a baby...

  3. If someone is brazen enough to ask me then I'm brazen enough to give them the truth when they ask. I almost always say we're trying and I just had a miscarriage, HALF the time someone comes back with a story about their own miscarriage. I refuse to live through this terrible experience in secret and alone and I'm glad you put that woman in her place!

  4. I completely understand how you feel. You are completely right for telling her how you did. She made you feel uncomfortable and she deserved no less. Hopefully this prevents her from doing this to anyone else in the future.

  5. Ugh, how hard the seemingly "innocent" questions can be. I've fielded "are you going to have kids?" so many times over the past three years myself.

    I think your coworker deserved what she got. She should've had the good grace to just accept your "I hope," and if she had, you wouldn't have had to burst her bubble.

    Hopefully that will shut her up.

  6. I love this post. Not because I love that you had to blog about how some people can't keep from digging more and more into others' lives until it hurts, but I think we have all been there. I think you handled it perfectly, and I think it's totally appropriate to feel a sense of, "there, now you shouldn't ask anymore". I think she deserved to feel uncomfortable.

  7. Oh, and thank you so much for being interested in following my family blog; here it is :)

  8. This post is awesome. Writen so well and so honest and yes, there are SO many people who should mind their business about SO many things, but this being a HUGE thing to MYOB! Good for you!

  9. what i don't get is why people continue to pry after you have failed to respond to those questions the first 5 times. I mean do i need a blinking red flag to wave?!?!?! hmmppff.

  10. I am SO tired of my family and friends asking questions. It's one thing to ask when you're having a baby and you give an obviously sad reply... but don't keep asking questions! I had a TON of friends telling me that we need to have a baby (on Facebook) so finally I broke down and made the announcement. I said something along the lines of: "We are trying to have a baby but right now, I am having fertility issues and I just ask that you please stop asking when we are going to be parents, etc... the chemotherapy wrecked my body so give it time and I might have good news to announce in 2012."

    Ugh, people... just.... ugh!

  11. This post completely says how I've been feeling lately. I find myself SO angry at these people who are constantly asking. My best friend actually told me yesterday that at a dinner with a mutual friend, she was grilled about when I was going to get pregnant (I was not at this dinner) and the friend kept saying "you can tell me! I won't tell anyone!" I thought my head was going to explode when I heard that now my best friend is also being pulled into these conversations about MY reproductive plans!

  12. I've come up with this: When people say, "Are you trying/Do you want kids/Why aren't you pregnant?" I say "We have white carpet." And then I walk away.

    It's hard to say, "Look, lady, I'm infertile. Is that what you want to hear?" But feels good to just confuse people.

    I've gotten a lot of "fun" comments this week because both of my sisters had babies in one day last Friday. So...I get it.

    hang in there! xoxxo

  13. There is so much ignorance in this world. One thing I've come to fear is that I will be one of those ignorant people and say something totally inappropriate to another person, something that hurts them unintentionally, because I just don't know better. But then I think about it for a minute and people are pretty good at giving clues as to what things you should really not say or do... But then again there are those times that people just don't know any better. I am so proud of you for saying the things that need to be said - and I hope that this woman learned to be more considerate in the future.

  14. You are my hero because of what you described in this post. Go you for just saying it. I often use the "I hope we will" but what I want to say is, "Oh, if you only fucking knew the half of it, you fertile ****." :)

  15. Hi there, here on my return visit from ICLW - thanks so much for stopping by my blog and following my story!
    I can totally related - hubby and I got engaged after we'd been together for 4 years, and got married a year later. And we'd started getting "the question" real soon after I first met his family (which was only a couple of months since we'd started dating). And both his mom and one of his grandmas have been really pushy on the baby question pretty much since the same time. Which resulted on us never telling them that we were actually trying. When I had my miscarriage/biochemical in August, hubby told his Mom and found out that she, too, had had a miscarriage before he was born - she even had to stay in the hospital for over a week. Ever since then, we didn't have to suffer "the question" any more.

  16. I love this post. I love when you said that "it may sound crazy, but i just don't think that losing a pregnancy means you are part of a secret club." I used to feel like it was a secret society, but the more I've opened up, the more I realize I'm far from alone. I'm impressed that you told the clueless person at work.

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