Wednesday, February 8, 2012

here's the story

hubs is away. and the day we started stims i just knew our beta would happen while he was out of the state. and of course on the day of transfer when they gave us our beta date....it was when hubs is away. i didn't even fight it. i knew they wouldn't move it up.... not for that. so i was ok for a while.

and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.

so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.

tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?

i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)

i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful rainbow.....it was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.

this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.

i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.

i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.

i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own schedule...it's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.

i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.

so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.

also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.

27 comments:

  1. CONGRATULATIONS!!! You're killing me with the suspense. I'm so happy for you! I'll be crossing my fingers and sending prayers that Friday's beta will be a HUGE rise. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG I am amazed these BFP's just keep coming!!! Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Great news! Some encouragement for you, my first beta was 6.6, second was 28. And now I am almost 15 weeks. Low numbers don't mean anything, it's the rise that counts!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. WOMAN, I have been waiting for this post. I know the past so I am not going to get on my desk and scream but hooray!!!!! One step at a time, you cleared the first hurdle and I am wishing, hoping and praying for all the subsequent tests to come out equally as wonderful. I want to say I knew it, but.......okay, I said it (it's somewhat obnoxious but the hot mess thing clued me in). I am thrilled and rooting for you each and every day. 2012: year of the take home baby, baby! xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  5. OH Congratulations! My husband was out of the state for my beta too, so I completely understand the cheating. Yaaaayyy!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Congrats on the BFP! Come on Friday bring on that 80 or above!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HFS!!!! :) Congratulations! I couldn't read this post fast enough!! :) We totally be praying for an 80 for Friday!!!! YAY!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am not a big fan of pee sticks - they are the devil and mess with your head. They don't change the outcome and can be in accurate. Case in point, on beta day (HCG of fricking 325) I peed on a stick afterwards and it barely showed a positive. They lie and are evil.

    That said, you got a real positive beta. I know the next couple of days will be difficult. It's so hard to be in this "I don't know" stage. Just let it be. Don't fight it or you will drive yourself bonkers.

    Know that we are here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Huge congratulations!!! Can't wait for Friday's number!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Wow. Cool. Congratulations :-) And fingers crossed for Friday's numbers - and for this one to stick around!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yay! Positive! Hoping for a great number on Friday!

    ReplyDelete
  12. YEAH!!!!!!

    I literally got tears of joy in my eyes.

    YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yay!!! Obviously on its way up with that nice darker stick!!!! Congratulations! You guys so deserve this! Enjoy it :) don't stress just go with it. You are pregnant!

    ReplyDelete
  14. C'mon 80!!!!!! Go beta, go!!!!

    Yay Jes! So happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Fingers crossed for you! I'll be checking back on Friday to see how you've gone, but it's looking good so far. YAY!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I've been thinking about you! Yay for the positive. 40 is good. My first beta was only 70 and that was with 2, so 40 is great!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. OMG YAY!! That is a great starting number! Fingers crossed for perfect doubling!!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Congrats! Each take home baby starts with a BFP, so that's great news. Hoping the good news continues.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Wahooo!!! I am so happy for you! :-) Can't wait to hear how it goes Friday!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am so glad it's a positive! Here's hoping for good doubling times. :-)

    ReplyDelete