Wednesday, February 29, 2012

where im at

i have to apologize right up front.... my mind is all over the place, so, this post is surely going to run in a million different directions.

it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.

over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.

AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work

i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.

so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......

- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.

along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.

today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).

and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.

i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.

.

15 comments:

  1. I'd say try to think positive but we both know that isn't as easy as it sounds. How would you feel about giving up on your own eggs? Its a decision I'm going to have to figure out here soon too.

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  2. I think it won't hurt to look into other clinics. I mean there has to be some that aren't factories that still have good success rates. My first RE had horrible success rates in my age range but he was referred to me, he is popular and on a reality show so we went there, but after reading Dr. Schoolcrafts book we pulled out. We didn't cycle there. I chose another clinic with much higher success rates and they're also a small practice. I think looking around is good. Its always good to get a second opinion. I got one without having to do over any blood work. Don't rush into anything right now, you're still healing. I know you have a lot of decisions ahead, good luck and I hope you choose the path that is right for you.

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    1. Mrs H, you are in south florida, right??? If you don't mind what clinic are you at??

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    2. I'm at UM Fertility. Do you mind saying which clinic they mentioned for the embryo adoption program?

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  3. I think you should definitely give your eggs another chance. Your FSH is ok, and your AMH has improved. I think, you should definitely look into other clinics, and also into getting more diagnosis for yourself and your hubby. Good luck for your decisions!

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  4. If it was me, I would look into CCRM - that was our next plan if we had another cycle that didn't work. It can't hurt to call and have them look - see what they have to say and see how it compares to what your Dr. says. I've heard CCRM does a TON of extra testing and it would be nice to have that extra assurance. We cycle out of town - it is a bitch, and it's expensive (especially as we made 8 trips there in one year), but I have never regretted it as our home town clinic is ridiculous. Good luck!
    PS - for some uplifting....check out dishbaby.blogspot.com
    she had 3 chemical pregnancies before her identical twins.

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  5. It seems quite reasonable to get another opinion. You wouldn't really be out anything. I got the initial blood clotting and immunization tests done and nothing came up. Then after another failed ivf I insisted on some more extensive tests and found out I do have a blood clotting disorder, it just wasn't on the first line tests. You could try asking for more tests. Good luck with everything.

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  6. Jen - I am in the process of giving up on my own eggs. Particularly because our doc this morning essentially told us to do that and that she doesn't recommend another IVF cycle. She knows that we're open to a non-genetic baby (i.e. adoption or donor egg or something) so she felt more comfortable giving us that advice. I appreciated it very much as I don't want to get bullshitted. She told us that they may find one good egg the next cycle or two, but there's also a chance that they find no good eggs and we have two more failed cycles and the emotional and financial damage that comes with it all.

    Hubby did a good job of counting up the cycles (months) it hasn't worked plus the 15 eggs they got during IVF. Turns out we've had about 36 BAD eggs. Or at least failed cycles. Doc thought that along with the other information the obtained through IVF points to us having an egg problem.

    We learned today about "embryo adoption" programs around the country. There are frozen, fertilized embryos that one can adopt and then have put in for a full-term pregnancy. It's much more inexpensive than adoption or IVF.

    Also, if you want to look at our clinic and its high success rates, check out Oregon Reproductive Medicine. You're welcome to stay with us during your cycle if you ever made such a decision!

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  7. As someone who never thought she would get pregnant because her AMH and response to IVF was so bad, I will say that you should definitely look into C.CRM or another clinic with similar statistics (there aren't that many). I was going to a high-powered clinic in NYC with an excellent reputation, but they gave up on my after 2 cycles because I had such poor response. I went to C.CRM as a last ditch effort and I am now pregnant, possibly with twins! Explore your options - if you have a resources to continue IVF go to the absolute best place. That way you'll never have to wonder "what if?"

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  8. Jes, you are faced with a difficult and very personal decision. I think your FSH is pretty damn good, it is better than mine was before my last cycle. Personally, I don't think I would would want to move on to DE yet, it doesn't sound like you are there anyway.
    I left my first clinic after my m/c and 2nd failed IVF cycle. Yes, it was because I moved to another state but I had many of the same reservations you had: I liked the doctors, it was small, the staff knew me, etc. But having a fresh set of eyes was really helpful. There must be other clinics in s. Florida or even within state that aren't huge IVF factories, no? The clinic we moved to was MUCH bigger than our old one but it felt more organized and supportive.
    Immunology is really tricky, many RE's are not on board with the theories, but statistics have to be good for something, right? Can you deal with the added stress of travel? Would that work in your life?
    My two cents, don't give up. There are many women out there who have had multiple m/c that have gone on to have healthy babies. No one has ever told you that you can't have children, right? Wait to see what the WTF appointment adds to the picture, perhaps then you can make a more informed decision.
    As always, love and support coming your way!

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  9. I am a firm believer that if you still have hope, you should still try. I feel like when you are really done, you'll know it. No harm at all in seeking another opinion. I am tempted to fly to CO too...their stats are crazy.

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  10. I'm so sorry for what you've been through! I agree that you should at least "interview" other clinics. After 2 failed transfers with my first clinic, I decided it was time for a change. I shopped around until I found a clinic that could give me some real answers. Our "big name" local clinic didn't have a clue, I ended up at a small one-doctor practice an hour away with better success rates that actually had a plan for me. Lo and behold, it worked, who knows if it was just good luck or what, but I think a good step after your "WTF" appointment is to speak to some other docs. Also, ask to be put on a 10-day cycle of steroids next time, that has done the trick for a lot of people (including me).

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    1. Francie, when during the cycle did you take steroids. And what is that supposed to help with?? What steroid was it?

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  11. I totally get that seemingly incongruous mix of emotions, of not being ready to give up, and yet feeling like throwing in the towel at the same time. I say that as long as you have it in you, keep on truckin'. Only you will know when you've had enough.

    Hugs,
    Jo

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  12. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through... and sorry that I'm so behind on sending you my love. Hope is an amazing thing... and determination can get you there too, if you're not ready to give up on your eggs, keep going. I'm public again, so will be easier to find/follow now... and have had a name change... hope it's not too confusing. Thinking of you xoxo

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