Sunday, July 25, 2010

IVF # 2

this month has been the well deserved break that i needed...... a little vacation, lots of sun, a little drinking, one night out til 4am. Man i needed to have a good time!! I actually forgot what a hangover felt like. Yesterday I woke up, and could not figure out why i felt like such garbage...that was until DH woke up and suggested i might be hung over.....WOW!!

2 weeks ago we went to see a new RE, Dr. P. (this has been the only doctors appt we have been to in a couple weeks!) he knew why we were there without me even saying anything.... he knew we wanted to do another fresh cycle, before touching our frozen blasts, and he was very receptive.... but asked us to be sure this is what we wanted to....

so, it's official. We are getting ready for IVF #2.
I am going back to no alcohol, no caffeine, and no nights out til 4am!
I would like to start to do some yoga. If anyone has any suggestions for a good DVD so that i can do yoga at home please let me know.
also, i will be doing a little hypnosis. i LOVE hypnosis!! i have lost weight, and quit smoking by way of hypnosis, so maybe it will help as well. :D

just waiting for AF. she should be here around august 4th.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

BFF is really a great friend

so, i spoke to BFF today.
I had to say something. she had to know my feelings, and i was waiting for the perfect moment, and i got it :D

i told her that i knew she was late, and i told her i was secretly hiding from her...... and she told me she knew that i knew she was late, and she also told me she was secretly hiding from me....

i also told her that i do not want out friendship to ever be affected by IF..... i told her i will always be happy for her, but if she tells me she is preggo and i get sad, it is not anything but sad for me.

we decided, no more hiding. we will just be honest and up front.
i feel much better.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

maybe i am a bad friend

there are two reasons i think that i am a bad friend.... well two glaringly obvious reasons.

1. i spoke to BFF today. i had been hiding from her ever since DH told me she was 5 days late. that was tuesday. usually we speak 2-3 times a day. ( i know, it's ridiculous, but it's the truth)
she had gotten her AF.
she told me that it was late, and she thought she was knocked up, but was freaking out because she had POAMS (pee'd on a million sticks) all BFN.
i was so relieved to hear she had gotten AF. which made me feel like a jerk.
a total ass hole.

2. this is the major reason i am thinking i am a bad friend.

i have a girlfriend with a little baby. and it is awful to say, but i HATE her. and really i used to like her a lot. but now, i hate her. there are many little things that have caused me to have utter disgust for her.
a. got pregnant the first time she tried.
b. a month before she got preggers, she told me they weren't having kids because she was way too selfish to care for any children
c. she got pregnant to make her husband happy (not a fact, but something that many people believe to be true, not just me)
d. while she was preggers, she always complained about gaining weight, and how inconvenient it was
e. i took her out to lunch, because i had missed her baby shower due to a meltdown in the shower while getting ready..... at that lunch she made two completely horrendous comments to me. the first was that she was afraid she would never sleep again, and would take advantage of every minute in the hospital by keeping the baby in the nursery so she could sleep. the second was about coming home from the hospital...she had said that she would have her mother bring the baby home that day so that she and her husband could go and eat sushi and have a beer.
after that, i had decided she was a crazy lunatic.
f. the newest and most upsetting to me. she went on vacation for 12 days, and left her 13 week old child at home.
now i know that everyone goes away without their children. and if i am offending anyone with my judgments, i apologize. but, i think because i hate her so much already, the vacation is just a little more icing on the cake of hatred that i am baking.

in her defense, she has no idea what is going on with me. she has no idea that we had been TTC for 7 months before she tried that one little time. she has no idea about all the tears i have shed, the time i have spent, the meds i have taken, the doctors appt's i have gone to...... she knows nothing.
and maybe, she has no idea how lucky she is. maybe she doesn't understand how much of a miracle that little boy is. and how precious life is. maybe her ignorance is her bliss


she sucks.
and, unfortunately, i hate my friend because she has a child.
this is why i might be a bad friend.

healthy eating

today i ate peanut butter and jelly, and ramen noodles.

probably not an excellence choice.

but i don't care


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

5 days late

no, not me.

my BFF.

i just ate a slice of cake for lunch to help with the shock.

the worst part is that i heard it from DH. her DH told my DH. and my DH told me.
why is it that i am hearing this from anyone but my BFF?? my sister??

since we have started trying..... my BFF has gotten preggo, had a beautiful baby boy, and could potentially be preggo again.

i want to be happy and i want to be sad.

Friday, July 9, 2010

less than 1


Beta= < 1

I wasn't supposed to have a beta today, but i woke up bleeding. the bleeding caught me off guard, and i got a little nervous. i called and ask to come in for a beta just to make sure everything was the way it should be.


More Waiting.

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

advice please! need some opinions!!

i am very blessed. i am blessed to have health insurance that is amazing. my insurance has full coverage for infertility. with an unlimited lifetime maximum.
before you all hunt me down and beat me with tire irons, please know that my health insurance will no longer be covering me as of november 7, 2010. with the end of my coverage coming soon, and not enough $$$ to pay for fertility (ivf) treatments on our own, i have an unbelievable sense of urgency to take advantage of every minute of coverage that i have.

as of today, we have 2 frozen embryos ready to go. i also have 4 months to get as much done as possible. i am still waiting for AF before i can do anything. it's killing me. i feel like time is wasting.

when we went in for our failed ivf follow up, dh and i asked dr. d about the potential of doing a fresh ivf cycle next. a cycle where we would do stims harder to create more follicles, and therefore maximize the number of potential embryos available before my coverage runs out. we wanted to do this as FET cycles are significantly cheaper than a fresh ivf cycle.
dr. d did not want to do this. he said, "this is just how it's done." and followed up with, "you should have plenty of time to get in a frozen and fresh cycle before november 7th."
sounded good to us.
but now, as i have not gotten a period yet, the clock continues to tick..... tick tock... will we have time for two more cycles??? first a frozen then a fresh??

and then, i got a letter in the mail today from dr. d's office...... letters are always about money....if they wanted to talk to me about anything else, it would have been in person. so, i was not so excited to open the letter.

the letter said, "as a result of increasing costs and declining insurance reimbursements, we are now requiring patients with insurance coverage for ivf to place a deposit equal to 50% of the standard fees for services rendered...."

we don't have that money.

so now what???

i am thinking maybe i should check out some other clinics in the area..... as the clock ticks on, maybe i can find a doctor who would be happy to accept my insurance for another fresh cycle before it runs out, and then worry about frozen cycles after we make some more embies.

i really do like dr.d's office. i really don't want to switch. i love the nurses, they know me and my crazy quirks. but maybe this is a sign. a sign that i should at least check out my options, and take advantage of the insurance.

bloggers please if you have advice, today i need it!!!!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

i'm cured

dr. d called yesterday while hubs and i were planting an herb garden..... beta was 15. so, "your cured", he said. it was funny.

now a break.

thank. god.
i really need a break.