Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Monday, September 26, 2011

truth be told

well a couple truths

1. i suck at iclw this month....and i am totally sorry. i just don't have it in me. i even have new followers and i am greatful you are all here and have chosen to follow me on this crazy fucked up journey.... but i just can't do it.

2. the real truth....blogging has gotten really hard for me in the last couple months. around the time i got preggo, many of my fellow bloggers had gotten preggo as well..... i feel like i am the only one who suffered a loss. and then, since my loss..... i think that just about every other blog i read has turned into a pregnancy blog. almost all of you are going to get your miracle soon!!!

ladies, i am so very happy for each and every one of you. i have been reading your stories.... i am following along. i am praying at every step....every beta, every ultrasound. i am happy for you as you graduate to an OB... as you find out the gender... i am rejoicing for you all. and i wish each and everyone of you a take home baby...or 2 :-)

i don't have comments and i don't really have any posts other than updates....this is as much a record for me as it is to connect with others.

i just don't have much to say.... .

and i feel bad about it. i'm sorry

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

welcome september iclw'ers!!!

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

5. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

6. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

7. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

8. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

9. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

10. currently we are in the 2ww of ivf #3. i was on bcp for almost 2 months because of cysts on my right ovary. once they dissappeared we got started.... 7 days of stims. egg retrieval went great.... 8 eggs. 7 fertilized. the eighth was an empty zona. and on thursday, september 15th we transfered 2 perfect day 3 embryos. i am praying every day for my miracle.

11. i am feeling pretty good... i am working on my 2ww goals.
a. no stress
b. no POAS- i POAS like mad during ivf #1.... and it was no good. all it did was stress me out and make dh mad. so, since then, we don't even keep pee sticks in the house.... thats what beta's are for.
c. no dr. google. this is most difficult for me. google is like an addiction. i google EVERYTHING!!!!

12. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

i am feeling so lucky that iclw is happening during the hardest days of the 2WW. i am so happy i will be able to have you ladies to share my story with! and to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy :D

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

Thursday, September 15, 2011


i woke up early today.... probably nerves. got ready... i was super nervous this time.
we left early for transfer so dh could stop at work to tie up some things before his long weekend.
we left dh's work around 9:10.... i took 2 valium, and started drinking water. i finished one 16 oz bottle of water around 9:35.

we got to dr. d's office at 9:45. the valium had kicked in and i was happy.

they took me back, got me situated and checked my bladder. not full enough. so i had to drink more water. they had me drink two more glasses of water before i was full enough.

dr.d brought in the picture of our embabies.....he said they were the nicest embryos we have ever had!!!! then he told me he didn't think the others would make it, and we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze. (i'm not going to worry about this now..... we don't need to.... this is GOING TO WORK!)

so he told me the drill and then we got started. usually, because of the cervical stenosis, my transfers are not picture perfect, but we get it done. this time it wasn't happening. two different nurses tried to find the catheter with the ultrasound, plus dr. d. it was impossible. then they found it, and dr. d realized it wasn't going into my ute.... it was stuck somewhere in the cervical canal. dr d asked the embryologist to put the embabies back in the incubator. and explained to me that he was going to dilate my cervix and try again in a little bit. he said i would have cramping for about an hour after dilation, so i was just going to hang out until it stopped. we would refill my bladder and start over. he was funny, he said, "these embryos are perfect, and i just don't want to risk anything. the only place they belong is in your uterus."
i asked if it was going to hurt....he said i would feel some cramping.

so then he did the dilation.

wowza!!! cramping!! not really the word. it felt like an ear piercing when the hole closes up, and you have to jam an earring in there.....

except. it. was. in. my. cervix.


i took deep breaths and got through it. thank god for valium.
they let me up to pee and then we waited.
i think i started drinking water too soon. after a glass and a half of water i was FULL! dr d asked it i was cramping to or if i just had a full bladder. i told him i wasn't sure if the cramping was because of the bladder or the dilation....i had to pee bad. they had me lay and checked my bladder on ultrasound..... dr. d said he could see how full my bladder was just by looking at my belly.
they checked..... too full..... "just empty a little".

those are the funniest words ever to a woman on valium who has got to pee so bad it hurts.
dh came with me..... and told me when to stop.

i laid down for a few more minutes.... the cramping was finally over.
dr. d came back and asked if we were ready. i said yup and he yelled through the office, "TRANSFER!" all the nurses came running back.

transfer take two went well. almost like a normal transfer. i kept calm and collected the whole time.... i'm quite proud of myself.
in dr. d's office they catheterize to empty the bladder after transfers..... as this is my third transfer, i am used to it.... and it doesn't really hurt at all.... but it seemed to take forever for my bladder to empty.... dr. d stayed and chatted with us and then we had no more small talk left... it was awkward for a couple minutes, but finally my bladder was empty. they made me comfortable and everyone left room.
i put on my relaxing music....and was asleep in no time. dh said i probably slept for about 40 minutes. when the nurse came in to get me, she had to wake me up. everyone was happy i slept. especially me.

dh was anxious to get home.... he kept saying i just want you to be in our bed now. we were on our way home at 1:15.
we got home and dh made me a nice warming lunch. tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich....Yum.

now i am just relaxing... happy our babes are with me.... and praying they stick around, forever.

here is their first photo.... i love them already <3

(not the best quality photo... it's a picture of a picture. sorry)

Transfer done!!!

My 2 perfect embabies are home with me. Transfer was not as easy as it has been in the past. I will write about it later, and post a picture of our embies....
Right now I am going to rest and make sure these two are comfy and ready for the long haul.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fertilization report

So there is good news and not so good news.....
First the not so good.... When we started talking about this cycle we had all agreed on a 5 day transfer. Recently dr d made major changes to the way they do things. They have gone back to PIO for all patients and I am now finding out that they have decided to do only day 3 transfers. I am definitely a little disappointed as we were expecting the other.... I am waiting for dr d to call me back so we can talk about it.... I just want to understand his decision.

The good news..... Of the 8 eggs retrieved... 7 fertilized!!!
We are so happy!!!
(please excuse me if this post is crazy....typed it on my iPhone)

Monday, September 12, 2011

retrieval day

not feeling so hot, but wanted to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement, and your thoughts, hopes and prayers..... it means so much...xoxo
they got 8 eggs, and hubs has super sperm.
they will call tomorrow with the fertilization report
we made babies today <3

Sunday, September 11, 2011

a little nervous

hoping it's a smooth and easy morning.....
your prayers are appreciated tomorrow morning :-)

dreaming of these beautiful slippers......wish i had them for after the retrieval!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

trigger - DONE

i am celebrating our trigger!! last time we did an ivf cycle, we didn't make it this far. so YAY!!!

another ultrasound today......

lining: 10.5
right ovary: still one, but it's a good one @ 23
left ovary: 21,19,18,18,18 and 28!!!! no wonder i feel like i'm gonna pop at any minute!

hubs did some research and found out how big a millimeter is..... a dime is 17 millimeters, and a nickel is 21.
so basically, i've got about $1's worth of follies in my ovaries

here are some of my follies! xoxo

Friday, September 9, 2011

so bloated

really. just. so. bloated.
every time i unzip my pants i feel better. every time i pee, it feels like there is a battle going on inside. a battle between my ovaries and my bladder. my bladder is winning though :-) i just keep drinking.....lots of water

back to dr. d this morning.
lining : 10
right ovary: still one's at 21
left ovary: they counted 12 follies ths morning! 21,19,18,16,16,15 plus a few smaller.

dr. d wanted to wait and see what my bloodwork looked like before making a decision about when to trigger. so they gave me instructions for plan a, and plan b. as it's friday, they covered all the bases.

plan a: trigger tonight, retrieval sunday morning.
plan b: trigger saturday night, retrieval monday morning.

i was a little stressed about the thought of triggering tonight.....with only 4 follies big enough, it made me kind of sad. waiting one exrta day for the 16's to catch up would make me so much more happy. i took the long way home.....i was going to drive along the beach (always calms me down) on my drive home the follies started another battle against the bladder. i had to detour off the beach and haul ass home.

it felt like the afternoon took forever, but finally they called.
plan b!!! YAY!!
E2: 1325 P4: stayed about the same....yesterday it was someting like .38
they split up my menopur for today.....4 vials at 2:30 and another 4 vials later tonight.
i did the ganirelix early this morning.

we go back tomorrow morning for one more check, and it looks like trigger will be at 8:30 tomorrow evening. i'm wicked excited to give myself a trigger shot in the middle of saturday night rush (have to work tomorrow night). that's gonna be pretty interesting. there is nothing more gross to me than a restaurant bathroom.....ew yuck.... it's totally worth it though...

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Lining 10
Left ovary: 8 follies..... Dr D looked excited as he did my scan looking at the left ovary.... He said it looked really good!
18,15,15,15,12, plus more.
Right ovary: 1 follie. 17.4.

Started ganirelix on Tuesday.
They said probably done with bravelle. Will most likely start 525iu (7 vials!) menopur tonight.
Another ultrasound tomorrow to decide if we trigger Friday for Sunday retrieval or trigger Saturday for Monday retrieval. I would like to see us pushed to Monday retrieval so those follies can get a little bigger. :-)

Feeling ok today. Super bloated, but not so tired today.... Which is nice.

Grow follies Grow!!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

moving right along

lining 4.5
left ovary: 7 follies: 14,14,12,12,11 & 2 smaller
right ovary is lazy: one at 15 and one not big enough to measure.

ganirelix to start soon.

have been doing 4 vials bravelle in the morning and 3 vials menopur in the evening.
retrieval will most likely be sunday or monday.

waiting on E2 and instructions

starting to feel a little bloated and pretty tired

hoping for a little more activity in the folicle department.

Friday, September 2, 2011

first day of stims

i can't believe we are finally here.... 2 months of bcp could make any girl go crazy. i thought we would never get here, but, here we are.....bravelle was this afternoon, after i got home from dr. d's. menopur is happening right after i post this. (not looking forward to the burn).

we are doing 300iu Bravelle and 225iu Menopur to start.

ultrasound was all clear.....i just wish i would stop AF bleeding already.

now that hubs has popped his injection cherry (PiO from our last cycle was the first time he gave me a shot) he is all about the shots....i however am not at all interested in him giving me a shot in the belly. i am happy to do it myself :)