Monday, May 31, 2010


So, I was forced into making some promises today.......

First, I had to promise DH, love of my life, that I would not POAS anymore until my beta. (Which by the way is a ridiculously long time away... Friday @ 14dp3dt) I POAS again today. BFN. This BFN ruined my day. Way too many tears, but I was holding out for this one to be a positive, I mean its basically been 2 weeks. I think if it is positive I should get a positive by now, but whatever. I am going to try and keep cool, and try to hold on to the ounce of hope that I have left.

Second, as if the torture wasn't bad enough, my darling BF, my sister from another mister, caught on to my shitty ass mood today, and made me promise to stay off the Google. "NO MORE!! It's got to make a person crazy!!"

So here I am. Alone. Waiting.

DH is off to NYC for his sister's graduation from law school. A trip that I was supposed to go on as well, but Dr. D advised against, just something else to add to the list of DON'TS.

Friday can not come fast enough.
This week I will occupy my time. I will also listen to my fertility hypnosis. I will make it.

Saturday, May 29, 2010



Isn't it funny that 2ww backwards is WW2. Also something completely terrible.

The first couple days were fine, I was fine. I didn't think about it.
Now, I think my head could explode at any moment. I have tried to stay positive, but it is really just not that easy. I was ok until Thursday (6dp3dt). Now I am not ok. Yesterday I woke up with tiny little pimples all over my face. NOT FUN! This brought on a feel bad for myself kind of day. By 6 o'clock I was in tears.

I POAS yesterday.....I know its too early, as you all guessed BFN. But, I will not let it get me down, I had to do it. I had to try. I will POAS again on Monday. I don't think that will be too early. That will be the deciding factor. that is 10dp3dt, 13dpo. My beta, for some ungodly reason isn't till Friday, June 4. It seems like months away.

I don't think this is the month.

When we went for the transfer last week, I told my unbelievable, amazing husband that we needed to make it past these next two weeks unscathed. The reason I say this, is because after IUI#1, actually, the day of IUI#1, DH's mother died....STRESS!!! (They were never close, but still a very stressful situation) After IUI #2, 6 days later, my sister-in-law had a massive brain hemorrhage, and almost died. SHITLOAD OF STRESS!!! (She is doing much better, and things are going well) So, I have been praying for things to stay status quo. Normal. No Drama.
So far so good. Except for the fact that I hate the 2WW!!
Please lord help me get through this week, and oh, I would really like to be pregnant.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

better to hope for the best or prepare for the worst

today i am hoping for the best. i guess its both.... i guess it is better to hope and prepare.
I feel good. a little tired, but i think when you sit around and do nothing, then you are inherently tired. it is five days post transfer (i dont know how the ?dp?pt works, i am still not sure what that means, i am sure it is something so obvious and i and completely over-reading it) and i have official watched five seasons of weeds. always a show i wanted to watch, but just never got into it. well, i started friday night, and was HOOKED!! i love nancy botwin and her entire dysfunctional family. i understand her issues.
on friday my dear hubby made thanksgiving dinner!!! turkey, stuffing, candied yams, green bean casserole, au gratin potatoes, mac and cheese!! he want all out. we were giving thanks to the fertility gods for our (hopefully) sticky little embabies!
my hubs is amazing.

OH!! I forgot amazing news!! On monday morning we froze two blastocycsts!! YAY!!!

so i guess i have to go back to work..... it has been a nice little vacation, but i need to occupy my brain with something other than "sticky babies"

Friday, May 21, 2010

Transfer day!!

Today was the day.....

I woke up around 7:30 this morning. I surprisingly slept better last night than I had all week. I wasn't expecting much sleep, so I was very happy. While I was in the shower I began to think about the Valium prescribed for me to calm my nerves. I decided I didn't think it would be necessary as I slept well and felt great. So I went about getting ready, doing some dishes left in the sink, putting a load of clothes in the washing machine, and then I began to panic. I couldn't breath. It wasn't happening. DH started to mess with me, and then it was all over. So I went to the closet and grabbed the Valium (mommy's little helper) and by the time we were on the way to see Dr. D, everything was fine.

We have 4 that made it. We had to decide on how many to implant. We went with 2.

And here they are!!!

They are beautiful!

I have been looking at them all day! It was a smooth transfer. Better than my 2 IUI's went. Apparently it is difficult to get ti my uterus. But, Dr. D did well, and I kept nice and calm, partially thanks to that little Valium that took the edge off :D

So now I lay in bed. My husband is waiting on me hand and foot. I love this man more than words can say!! Thank you Joe for all that you do! You are the best part of my life.

So now I begin the 2WW. I will not get crazy! We will be calm. There will be no drama. Everything will go perfectly.

I love those little embabies!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I am so very hopeful!

Here I am in all my glory!!
Joe was happy to take my picture in a paper gown and crazy hair net thing....What you don't get to see are the wicked cute booties I had to wear as well!!

Dr. D called this morning......and we have 5 beautiful embabies!!
I am so happy.
I have tried through this month to stay somewhat neutral about the whole situation. I have tried to not get my hopes up. But today, I am hopeful. I am hopeful and excited. Friday is the day. Transfer is almost here!! We are going to put 2 of those amazing embabies back!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Egg Retrieval

9 Eggs!!
I hope they are mature!
I pray that we fertilize all(or at least 7 would be acceptable)!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Cycle Day 9

Back to see Dr. D this morning....more blood work. I have one vein on my right arm that is awesome for drawing blood, but now I am starting to look a little like I have been doing drugs. Not Fertility Drugs.
I had a follie measuring 23.
Trigger Shot tonight!! Egg Retrieval on Tuesday morning.
So, I am secretly scared that I will ovulate early. And, I am so uncomfortable, I feel like I ate an entire cow and it is now sitting in my body, never to digest. Can't wait to not be so bloated. When will that be?? Also, I am so wicked tired. I have to work tonight, and I am just praying to get through it.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Doing Well :-D

It's been almost a week since my last post, but I have been trying to keep things nice and calm.
Wednesday was our first scan and blood work, also, DH was scheduled for an eye exam. DH got up early for his 8am eye exam. But, there was a major problem..... his eye was swollen shut. He looked like he got punched in the eye. It took everything in me to not laugh at him, and at the same time convince him he should still go to the doctor. DH happily agreed, because he thought they would still do an eye exam, and he would be able to replace his broken glasses. Well, no glasses for Joe, he has an infection in his eye. Poor guy, he was so upset. I guess he was wrestling with the dog and got scratched (hehehehe I have to laugh about this a little, as Joe is fine, and it is no big deal) When we got to Dr. D's office, there was more laughing at Joe as I let all the nurses in on our morning. Joe's sad face said a thousand words. :-D

Time for the ultrasound:
4 measurable follicles. All four were on the left side, NOTHING on the right. I was not happy. As a matter of fact I was TERRIFIED!
They gave me a shot of bravelle in the rear while I was still at the Dr.'s office. That made me super nervous as well. E2 came back at 322. They said things seemed ok....they up'ed my meds a little. I made a promise to Joe and myself, no stress until Friday's scan. Also, I felt things happening on the right and left side all afternoon wednesday after my shot, which helped to calm my nerves.

Friday morning scan and Ultrasound:
11 Follies! Yay! So happy with these numbers... Left side 16,16,15,14,14,13 Right side 15,14,14,14,12!! Good job done by all!!! Hooray!! Started Ganirelix. They did the first shot for me in the office. Not a pleasant shot by the way....fine going in but WOW it stings once it's in a swimming around.

Back for another scan this morning:
Everything is looking great, my follies are doing an awesome job. Follies at 20 on both sides. Lining is at 8!
Trigger shot is coming soon. I am getting excited and nervous all at the same time!

Today my wonderful hubby is cooking Prime Rib. I have been craving it for a while, and I figure I should get the bloody meat craving over with since I may not be eating any red meat for a while!! I am so excited!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 1 of Stims

It's kind of funny isn't it.... Starting my stims on Mother's Day. I wonder how that happened. It's like the double edged sword. I hate it because it's Mother's Day, and I am not a Mom. This year Mother's Day is extra torture. But on the other hand, how magical that today could be the beginning. Today could be when my life changes and all my dreams come true.

I want to be hopeful, but Mother's Day to me has always been torture, the same as Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, Easter, Christmas Eve....... These holidays are torture because I work in the restaurant business. I have done it all, hostess, waitress, bartender, manager. The holidays mean amateur day. The expectation is higher and people are extra rude. And on top of that, because it is all about hospitality, I never spend these day's with my loved ones. YUCK! Mother's Day is extra awful because in South Florida, it marks the official end to our busy season. So now, for the next 5 to 6 months, I will stand around staring at my coworkers, and making half the money I do in season. YAY!!

Moving on, I did my first shot all by myself!! Very proud! I was scared to death it would hurt going in, and I wouldn't be able to finish it, or the syringe would fall right out of my stomach as I was bending over in agony.... But I did it, no problem. It did sting a little right after, and I have had horrendous cramps all night (That was great at work) But so far so good. I have my first ultrasound and blood work follow up on Wednesday. Grow little Follies Grow!!!!

To all the ladies out there struggling through this Mother's Day, just know that I am thinking of you, and sending my love to you, and wishing on this night that one day soon, we will all have our dreams come true.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Tired & Cranky.....But I have HOPE!

This is me. Tired & Cranky. This just about sums up the last two weeks. I guess it was the birth control pills....I would like Tired and Cranky to take a backseat though.

Today was cycle start with Dr. D. Ultrasound and final paperwork.
While I was sitting on the u/s table, I got a call from my OB/GYN. I tested positive for ureaplasma.... They said they would call in an Rx for antibiotics and that DH needed one too, as we have probably been swapping ureaplasma forever now.
As soon as I hung up the phone with the Dr's office I immediately Google'd "Ureaplasma" it said "STD"!!!! Excuse me?? STD???!!!
As soon as my heart began to race the ultrasound tech and my IVF nurse came into the room. I told them the news, and they seemed to not have a concern, but wanted to know why I was freaking out.... "I don't want an STD!!" They said it's not really an STD, just a bacteria.
Whew! So DH and I will be on antibiotics to kill my non-STD..... :)

Earlier today I found the Project IF on the Stirrup Queens website....I knew it was there but this morning began to read them. Probably not the best idea. I was WRECKED!!
I do understand how answering these If's can help, but I think that we all need some hope. These If's brought me down..... In order for me to survive this ride, I will do it with HOPE! Not these terrible "What If's"
Today I have Hope...... Hope that my husband does not see me as broken..... Hope that my Dr. does know what he is doing..... Hope that one day I will be able to tell people that I love and respect what actually has been going on in my life..... Hope that the IVF drugs don't make my head spin around like Linda Blair..... Hope that I can complete this cycle of IVF with no drama.... Hope that maybe I can reach someone through this blog and give them a little hope as well....and most of all Hope that I will be a mom some day soon.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

So cute.....I had to share

Yesterday morning, I found two ducks in my pool!! They were so cute! DH let our dog out, I am sure to scare the ducks away, but instead, my little Stewie just watched them swim.....It was as if he was saying, "Hi ducks, you can swim in my pool!"
So freaking cute......

Here we go

They have arrived.....I thought that $8400 worth of fertility meds would look a little more impressive than this. I thought there might be more I guess.... I was so on edge, just waiting for the drugs to come, just hoping they would arrive and everything would be ok......Now that the meds have arrived, this feels crazy. I am doing IVF. Wow. I don't even know what to say.
I am scared, excited, hopeful, and scared.
This week has been a little crazy.
I stopped birth control on Tuesday, and have been waiting for AF since. I do have to say, I hope with everything in me that I never have to take a birth control pill ever again in my life. I have pimples like when I was 15. I want to crawl under a rock and hide.
Wednesday the meds came. When DH called and said he was on his way home with two coolers I was a little nervous......It wasn't that bad. But the reality of this whole thing is making me a little crazy.
I was thinking about doing some acupuncture, but I just can't bring myself to go to the doctor any more than I already am.....I am not sick. I don't think it's necessary to make any more doctor's appointments. Eastern or Western doctors.
So tomorrow morning we are off to see Dr. D. We are handing in all consent forms, and I have the first of many ultrasounds and blood work. It's really real......It's pretty fucking crazy.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

99 Things about me

This has been done before.... I thought I would share. Enjoy :)

99 Things About Me
1. Started your own blog – yup, here it is
2. Slept under the stars - when i was a kid we used to go camping...loved it then, don't know if could handle it now
3. Played in a band- yes, numerous bands....I was a band dork
4. Visited Hawaii - I wish!
5. Watched a meteor shower- Nope
6. Given more than you can afford to charity- I have only given my time to charity, something everyone can afford!
7. Been to DisneyWorld - too many times to count!! I live 2.5 hours from Orlando!
8. Climbed a mountain- In a car :)
9. Held a praying mantis -No. I am not a person who would voluntarily touch a bug!
10. Sang a solo- Me...player of musical instruments not a singer, but yes I have sang in front of a group before.....MORTIFYING!!
11. Bungee jumped- No. Not something I would ever do. (Afraid of heights)
12. Visited Paris - One day
13. Watched a lightning storm- Yes Yes Yes!! I love lighting! I like to try and take pictures of weather
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch- Is scrapbooking an art?? I think so.
15. Adopted a child- Nope
16. Had food poisoning- Ugh, I will never eat honey mustard ever again in my life....I have never been that sick, ever.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty- Never been to NYC. Supposed to go beginning of June, but my RE says no way. It's a couple days after Embryo Transfer. :(
18. Grown your own vegetables - I have an aloe plant. It's the only live plant that I have not killed. I don't have a green thumb.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France- One day I will get there
20. Slept on an overnight train- Yes!! The auto train is very cool, and I was nice to the guy at the check in....He upgraded me to a suite!! Very cool!
21. Had a pillow fight- Um Yeah
22. Hitch hiked- Seriously, I am way too cautious to hitch hike
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill- :)
24. Built a snow fort- No, not so much snow in south florida
25. Held a lamb- petting zoo's have lots of germs. Kind of scary for me
26. Gone skinny dipping- in my backyard!!
27. Run a Marathon- I do not understand why people's torture
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice - nope, one day though
29. Seen a total eclipse- I don't think so
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset - many
31. Hit a home run- does kickball count?? I am not athletic, ball and bat is difficult
32. Been on a cruise - love love love to cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person- on my list.....will get there one day
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors- I am a 10th generation American...before that my ancestors lived in England. Yes been to England
35. Seen an Amish community- The best cinnamon bun, and ice cream i have ever had in my whole life
36. Taught yourself a new language -does Pig Latin count. I do speak French, but had to take a language in High school and college
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied- when i was 16, i worked at Toys R Us and had what I thought was enough money for the rest of my life..... so yes! :)
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person -not yet
39. Gone rock climbing- not so much, again, not and athletic person
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David -where is that?
41. Sung karaoke - ugh, yes
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt- this one will be cool.....def on my list
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant- yes, I used to be a restaurant manager, I have bought meals for many strangers in restaurants
44. Visited Africa- wow, this would be amazing
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight- yes
46. Been transported in an ambulance - no, this one is NOT on my list!!
47. Had your portrait painted- nope
48. Gone deep sea fishing- yes, i think it was deep
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris - not yet
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling- snorkeling yes, scuba diving..... couldn't do it...I had a panic attack in the classroom....didn't even make it into the water :)
52. Kissed in the rain- yes
53. Played in the mud- no, again, i don't really like germs
54. Gone to a drive-in theater- used to love it!!! because I could smoke ciggy's the whole movie....That was awesome!! I am now a non-smoker :)
55. Been in a movie- as an extra
56. Visited the Great Wall of China- would be amazing
57. Started a business- would like to, some day
58. Taken a martial arts class- no
59. Visited Russia- umm i don't know if i want to do this
60. Served at a soup kitchen- yes
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies - yes
62. Gone whale watching - OMG!! One day!! Def on my list!! At the top!
63. Got flowers for no reason- yes :)
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- no they usually don't want my blood for donation.....low iron
65. Gone sky diving - there is no reason for this
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp- no
67. Bounced a check - ummm yeah
68. Flown in a helicopter- no
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy- yes
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial- it is beautiful
71. Eaten Caviar- yum!!
72. Pieced a quilt- no
73. Stood in Times Square- :( No
74. Toured the Everglades- yes, in an airboat.... this is cool, everyone should do it!
75. Been fired from a job- laid off, never fired
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London- yes, what mayhem
77. Broken a bone- yes
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle- no, kinda scary
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person- not yet
80. Published a book -would like to
81. Visited the Vatican - no
82. Bought a brand new car- yes. the most expensive thing I ever paid for all by myself
83. Walked in Jerusalem- one day
84. Had your picture in the newspaper- yes
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve- yuck, germs
86. Visited the White House- never inside, would love to do it though
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating - um not for me. I have however eaten an animal my husband has killed and prepared...wild boar is gross
88. Had chickenpox- yes, my parents were away on vacation, my grandmother was taking care of me
89. Saved someone’s life- no
90. Sat on a jury - no
91. Met someone famous- yes
92. Joined a book club- no
93. Got a tattoo- yes, that was dumb, wish i hadn't
94. Had a baby - Not yet
95. Seen the Alamo in person- nope
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake- no
97. Been involved in a law suit -yes...several
98. Owned a cell phone -um this one is dumb, everyone has a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee -yes, picking apple off my neighbors tree when I was little