Tuesday, May 31, 2011

15dp5dt update

so many things going on in my head. just have to make a list.......

*i decided the endometrin was killing my "queen victoria". she just couldn't take it anymore. so, as of sunday night, i have switched to PIO.
i was terrified. so many horror stories about the shots. and really it has been fine. the first day it hurt about a half an hour afterwards, but yesterdays shot was easy peasy.....and no pain afterwards. i think that dh is loving giving me a shot in the ass!!

*i have been feeling so sick. nausea, heartburn, indigestion, gas......it's terrible!

*friday was our first beta..... i was so happy that i was able to talk the nurses into letting me come in before the 3 day weekend, because i knew i would be going crazy if i had to wait until today. so we went for the bllod test.....i asked them to call dh with the results. i just thought it would be better if he told me. so he came home from work after he found out the results.
"it was positive but low" he said. "46"
i was pretty sad.....thats how it started last year after ivf #1. low beta that turned to shit. he said that the nurse said it was still super early because i made them push up the beta. and she had seen many pregnancies go to term after a low first beta. so i was given instructions to continue meds and "stay positive". (much easier said that done)

*i made i through the weekend unscathed.....tears only once, and really i had no idea why i was crying!

*beta #2 was today. and the news was ....


they were hoping for anything over 150. my beta came back today at 289.
what a beautiful number!!
my favorite, the receptionist called to tell me. she said "guess what". i asked what? and she screamed, "you are definatly pregnant!"
i was instantly in tears. she asked if i wanted her to call dh, and all the other girls in the office were in the background laughing and cheering. it was awesome.

*we go back thursday for beta number three.

today i am so happy!!!!

Saturday, May 28, 2011


i hate it! i hate it! i HATE it!

itchiness...... discomfort..... leakage...... 3 times a day..... just don't like it. at. all.

so the nurses said i could switch. to PIO. i have all the stuff. i have the dosage instructions. the nurse drew spots on my backside so that dh would know where to put the syringe.

i just can't pull the trigger. i continue to torture myself with the endometrin.

(2 major fears.....1. dh giving me shots.... it scares me(i always do all the shoys myself). 2. endometrin is 3 times a day, PIO once a day. how do i just go from every 8 hours to just once a night.....won't that fuck with my body to not have any progestrone all day long???)

i need yor advice ladies!!

what would you do? what do you think?? does the shot hurt? is it awful either way??

what should i do!!

please help me!!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

still here

and still waiting......

why is it we are hopeful at first and then we start to be nervous.... we start to think it didn't work.
i think i have gone into self preservation mode. the waiting of IF is the worst part.

Sunday, May 22, 2011


if i am not pregnant, than the progrestrone is seriously fucking with my body and possibly my head.

first off.... i have had a bit of a reaction to the endometrin...sorry if this is TMI, but this blog is for me too. my vag has been a little uncomfortable and itchy from time to time. it started the day after transfer. i spoke with nurse i (not my favorite) twice, the first time she said i could go to PIO if i wanted. the second time she told me about how it was the best drug on the market for luteal phase and preventing miscarriage and was used by 99% of the world. finally i spoke with another nurse who suggested some a&d ointment or even some monistat to help witht he itch..... thats all i wanted!! a little relief. so now my who-ha is feeling much much better :D

second..... and i knew it would be.... my boobs hurt....bad. sometimes its my nipples.....sometimes its my boobs. i have slept with a sports bra a couple nights.

third....bloat. man. yesterday and today have been the worst. super bloated. thank god all of my work clothes are on the big side since my recent weight loss. :D

i have also been pretty tired. the first couple days i was fine. friday i worked all day(11:30-8:30) and i felt good, but yesterday i was DONE! i got up at 9:30, which is pretty late for me, and was back in bed by 11:30..... napped til 2:30. i had to do grocery shopping yesterday, so i dragged hubs out as i needed help since i can't lift anything. we had to go to the farmers market and the real grocery store..... after the farmers market i was done..... but i dragged myself to the grocery store as well. we were probably out for about an hour and a half.... i was back in bed around 4:45 til about 7. we went to dinner and the beach and was again back in bed by 10 for the night.
again today i was exhausted. worked from 9:30-5..... from 9:30-11 i was dragging my ass.... and then by 3:30 i was done. so tired.
been in bed since 5:30 when i got home. got up twice to let the dog out, and get food, but thats it.

i have been admiring the photo of my gorgeous little embabies..... i so wish and pray that they stay with me for a lifetime. i love them so much already.

beta day is coming and i CAN'T wait! sorry but i'm not sharing the date of my beta.....
hubs and i decided we need to know for a little before we tell anyone....

for those of you who have commented on my strength in not testing...... i do have to say...we don't have any pee sticks in the house, and i am so scared hubs would know if i went out and bought one....he would be so angry.....
soooooooo that helps to keep me on track.

welcome new followers!! thanks for joining my ride! i hope i get to know you and your ride as well!

Friday, May 20, 2011

may iclw

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

5. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was basically miserable.

6. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 29 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

7. on monday, (may 16th) we transferred 2 perfect frozen embabies to my gorgeous, plush, 10mm triple layer uterine lining.

8. i do acupuncture. and i LOVE it!

9. i am feeling great!! i have set goals for my 2ww.
a. no stress
b. no POAS- i promised the girls at my RE's office i wouldn't cheat. and i think it will just make me crazy.... it definitely
made me crazy last time!!
c. no dr. google. this will be the most difficult for me. google is like an addiction. i google EVERYTHING!!!!

10. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

i am feeling so lucky that iclw is happening during the hardest days of the 2WW. i am so happy i will be able to have you ladies to share my story with! and to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy :D

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

Monday, May 16, 2011


they said that my little embabies are perfect.... everyone was gushing. the embryologist was so excited!

dr. d was so happy and said that our chances were "really good"

acupuncture was beautiful this morning, it did it's job. i was happy, calm and ready.

transfer was easy, peaceful and beautiful.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

to my embryos

dearest little beans,

a year ago you were created. and a year ago we fought to bring a baby into this world. sadly, it didn't work. but we have you.... and tomorrow we will try again.

tomorrow you will be brought out of your long sleep. and we will be reunited. it may be a little crazy, it might be a little uncomfortable, but i am asking you now; please just fight. fight through the morning. fight as hard as you can. and by the afternoon, the worst will be over. by the afternoon you will be with me. you will be able to make yourself comfortable. i have worked hard to create a happy and cozy spot for you to stay. and i want you to stay for a while. thirty six to thirty seven weeks please.

i have dreamt of you all my life. i have hoped and prayed. and tomorrow we will be given the chance to be united..... once and for all.

i know that your life will change me forever, and i just can't wait for the change. it will be my job to keep you safe and happy and healthy for your lifetime. and i will do everything in my power to make sure that happens. i just need these two things from you.... just fight tomorrow. and then just stick. stick around.

you are all i ever wished for.... and i love you more than you could know.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

48 hours to PUPO

i am getting very excited!

i am off work until thursday next week..... and so excited to relax and spend some time with our little embabies!

went to acupuncture this morning..... it was busy when i got there. only one acupuncture lady working, which was totally strange, and the receptionist was calling people and scheduling appointments like crazy. when i got called back for treatment acupuncture lady asked how i was. i told her feeling "ok". not great and not terrible. we talked about the progestrone reaking havoc she said she would make it better, and then told me that acupuncture lady #1 would not be able to do my treatment on monday before the transfer, she had a family emergency and was out of town, so i wouldn't get a treatment before the transfer.

she said they thought i would be fine and i shouldn't worry about it.

begin total fucking insanity.

she put all the needles in and left me to go crazy....(in her defense, i don't think she had any idea my head was going to spin right off my neck)

i tried to relax... i tried to think about the bright yellow light in my ute.... i tried to listen to the music... i tried.

i didn't cry until she came back. she asked how i was, and i just started sobbing. i told her i was stressed and upset. i told her i felt abandoned.... i sobbed. she tried to console me. she tried to tell me that it would be FINE. she tried. i just cried.
she left me alone for a minute, i thought it was because she was in the weeds. she came back and said she had rearranged her schedule and she would be there on monday to do my treatment...... then i cried more... i sobbed " i'm sorry!". i could tell she was truly upset that i was upset. i could tell she was fighting back tears.

it was terrible..... i had to lay there for what seemed like forever. so that i could get it together.
and then, as soon as i walked out of the room.... waterworks. fucking unbelievable. more tears... a hug, apologies for making me so upset, and i was out the door.
acupuncture lady told me to "HAVE FUN THIS WEEKEND!".

i got home and told DH about it..... he wanted to know what we were going to do to have fun. because he knew of my plans for the weekend...... cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, relaxing, a little pool time. he wanted fun. so we thought about it.....

and we made a plan.

today was spent shopping..... groceries and a new vacum! WOO HOO! so sad that i am so excited for a new vacum.
DH is awesome. after shopping, he cleaned while i went for a mani/pedi. love that man :D

and tomorrow......


sooooo excited. DH used to go all the time when he was a kid. he grew up in miami.
i have been once. when i was a kid.

bestie, her hubs (whom i lovingly refer to as "jockstrap" don't remember why, but i love his nickname :D) and their son, ( my love, "bubba) are going with us. it should be lots of fun !!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


this morning i gave myself my very last lupron shot!!!

i am so excited! we are moving along so well. yesterday my lining measured at 9.45mm. she said it looked beautiful and we were progressing nicely. so they scheduled my transfer for monday. they don't think i will be able to hold out until wednesday. which i am totally fine with :D

tomorrow we will have one last scan and E2 check and then i think i start the endometrin. Yuck.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

love for my blog sisters

yesterday when i got home from work i saw an envelope for me in the mail pile.... SIL sent me a card, a thinking of you card. it made me so happy!! i mean soooo happy! on a weekend filled with cards for all the special women in my life, a special woman decided to recognize me!

i don't think she will ever know how much that card meant.

so for all the women wishing we could just pass over mothers day without a thought..... Please know that i am thinking of you. please know that you can handle anything life sends your way- any challenges that lie ahead.
and remember, you are not alone.
we have each other to help us through this struggle and we have the mom's in our lives that helped to make us the fighters that we are.

so celebrate your mother, and the woman she has taught you to be. and be hopeful for the future.... the future that we fight for everyday.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

cd 10

stopped to see dr. d this morning....ultrasound and bloodwork.

the ivf coordinator nurse did my scan. before she started the scan i told her my lining was doing excellent.... she asked how i knew that.... i told her that i saw acupuncture lady on tuesday, and that she is making sure of it :D

my ute is looking beautiful!! triple layer lining. i was shocked...wow!! already! i started estrogen 5 days ago. it was at 7.8.
so crazy.

when they got my e2 results back she called to update me.

she said dr. d is very pleased and tomorrow i will go to three patches and sunday i will go to four patches. they think i am progressing quickly and transfer day will most likely be moved up to monday the 16th. they will make a decision next week.

ultrasounds and e2 on monday and wednesday.

so excited!! can't wait to be reunited with my little embabies :D

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

random thoughts

i have random thoughts running around in my head, here they are. in no particular order:

* I have been feeling so tired lately. ever since i strapped on my first estrogen patch on friday i have been exhausted. even acupuncture lady noticed it when she was feeling my pulse today.

* i am currently wearing 2 estrogen patches..... on thursday i go to 3, and 3 days later i go to 4 patches.

* TMI ALERT!!- all i have to say is "Holy CM Batman!!"

* i have decided not to ask about my E2 levels. they took blood on friday, and will continue throughout the cycle until transfer. i don't know what is an appropriate level at any point and i want to keep myself off Dr. Google.

* thanks to our tax refund i am getting an iPad. i ordered it a couple of weeks ago. it should be here on thursday or friday!!
so excited and hopeful it will keep me happy and occupied :D

* mom is doing much better!! last night she told me she feels "back to normal"!! YAY! i told her last month was i took care of her, this month, she takes care of me. (Thanks so much to my blog sisters for your kind words and hope for her to get well:D)

* i fell asleep today during acupuncture. i mean fast asleep. i don't think it was for long but it felt good! acupuncture ladies are really helping me to keep positive! i feel so good after every treatment.

* there is one pregnancy test in my house. one CBE digital. the one i have been saving for when i know it will be positive..... saving to see that one word. i don't think i will be POAS before my beta. i did it last time and it created negativity. and on beta day it was positive.

* i will also do my best to not google symptoms.

* mother's day is just around the corner..... last year i started stims on mother's day... i was full of mixed emotions. this year i will be celebrating the wonderful mother's in my life.... and staying hopeful that next year will be for me!

*my 2WW falls during ICLW. i am feeling blessed and hopeful for any and all positive reinforcement that i will get from current followers as well as any visitors who may be stopping by.

* one of my coworkers told me yesterday that he and his wife have just started TTC. at first i was taken by surprise.... i wasn't sure how to feel..... but after i thought about it for a minute, it made me smile. i thought, it would be so great to be pregnant at the same time as his wife. i have known him for over 10 years and seen his life change in so many ways. it would be so fun to share some of the same experiences.

i am feeling like RE office all over the world are so very busy right now. i feel like every blog i follow is filled with treatments or BFP's!! Congrats to all who have gotten their miracle.... i wish you all healthy and uneventful pregnancies and the most important part.... a take home baby. and for those who haven't yet gotten their good news..... it's coming!! i know my good news is coming soon ;D