Thursday, July 15, 2010

maybe i am a bad friend

there are two reasons i think that i am a bad friend.... well two glaringly obvious reasons.

1. i spoke to BFF today. i had been hiding from her ever since DH told me she was 5 days late. that was tuesday. usually we speak 2-3 times a day. ( i know, it's ridiculous, but it's the truth)
she had gotten her AF.
she told me that it was late, and she thought she was knocked up, but was freaking out because she had POAMS (pee'd on a million sticks) all BFN.
i was so relieved to hear she had gotten AF. which made me feel like a jerk.
a total ass hole.

2. this is the major reason i am thinking i am a bad friend.

i have a girlfriend with a little baby. and it is awful to say, but i HATE her. and really i used to like her a lot. but now, i hate her. there are many little things that have caused me to have utter disgust for her.
a. got pregnant the first time she tried.
b. a month before she got preggers, she told me they weren't having kids because she was way too selfish to care for any children
c. she got pregnant to make her husband happy (not a fact, but something that many people believe to be true, not just me)
d. while she was preggers, she always complained about gaining weight, and how inconvenient it was
e. i took her out to lunch, because i had missed her baby shower due to a meltdown in the shower while getting ready..... at that lunch she made two completely horrendous comments to me. the first was that she was afraid she would never sleep again, and would take advantage of every minute in the hospital by keeping the baby in the nursery so she could sleep. the second was about coming home from the hospital...she had said that she would have her mother bring the baby home that day so that she and her husband could go and eat sushi and have a beer.
after that, i had decided she was a crazy lunatic.
f. the newest and most upsetting to me. she went on vacation for 12 days, and left her 13 week old child at home.
now i know that everyone goes away without their children. and if i am offending anyone with my judgments, i apologize. but, i think because i hate her so much already, the vacation is just a little more icing on the cake of hatred that i am baking.

in her defense, she has no idea what is going on with me. she has no idea that we had been TTC for 7 months before she tried that one little time. she has no idea about all the tears i have shed, the time i have spent, the meds i have taken, the doctors appt's i have gone to...... she knows nothing.
and maybe, she has no idea how lucky she is. maybe she doesn't understand how much of a miracle that little boy is. and how precious life is. maybe her ignorance is her bliss


she sucks.
and, unfortunately, i hate my friend because she has a child.
this is why i might be a bad friend.


  1. So, we've never met, but somehow I doubt you're a bad friend :)

    I totally get where you are coming from, though, and I can't believe your second friend and her comments she's made about pregnancy and parenting. That sucks.

    I know how you feel when you say that you think you are being a bad friend, but I think this whole process of not being able to get pregnant when we wanted makes us that much more sensitive and needy of "me time". Sometimes that is enough for us to feel like we aren't the best friends we could be to our girlfriends.

    Hang in there, lady... I bet your friends don't think you're a bad friend :)

  2. "the cake of hatred that i am baking".
    Great line, I love it.

    I can understand your feelings, I have had similar ones too. I find that my thoughts can be irrational and in turn make me feel guilty. I don't think you are a bad friend, I can guarentee I would be stewing over the same thoughtless comments.

    As for your friend getting AF late, I know that panic and fear when you suspect yet another person is knocked up, it totally sucks.

    Don't be too hard on yourself!

  3. She does suck, and you are not a bad friend.
    Do you think she would sensor her words if she knew about you TTC?
    I have a friend who knows but still always says Stupid things and then the next day tells me she's sorry for the stupid things she said.
    I'm sorry you have to go through this, it really sucks!

  4. Just wanted to thank you for sharing this post with CdlC and wish you a happy new year! We all have the right to choose the people who we extend ourselves to, and it sounds like you are making the right choice about no longer extending yourself to these people. I only have a few people who I choose to extend myself to, and for them, I would do anything. I hope that you have a few friends like that who you can focus your energy on and have it reciprocated.
    Much love - Foxy

  5. A very honest post. I think there has to be a real balance between what you take and what you give in a relationship, including a friendship. Of course, it's hard for her to do the right thing without knowing, but it's at least as hard for you to open up to her when you're not happy with her attitude towards parenting. Regardless, you're not a bad person - you're in a very vulnerable spot in this post. At the end of the day, if you can answer to your own conscience, that's what matters.


  6. I'm visiting from Creme De La Creme! Boy can I relate! One of my best friends recently found out she is pregnant....after ONE frikkin month of trying! Now, she is constantly complaining about weight gain! She always said she didn't want kids because she is too selfish. She only started trying because she wanted to quit her job and her husband told her they'd have to start trying if she quit her job (he wanted to start trying some time ago...she didn't.) Well, she quit in June, they started trying in September and .....BAM, she is pregnant...right away! I just can't believe it! It's so not fair!

  7. As usual, Bea puts it better than I ever could. :)

    It's ok to take stock of the friendships you have, and decide that it is better to let some slip away.
    Really. With friend number 2 you're on such different pages now, that she can't help you and you can't help her.

    With friend number one, maybe you need to think whether you want to share your problems with her.
    Without expecting that she'll get it in all it's nuances. Show her the text from Resolve, perhaps.
    Ask her not to share her TTC journey in technicolor with you. Tell her how you would prefer to hear her news when the time comes? Maybe, think it over.

    (Arrived from the Crème de la Crème list)

  8. Here via the Crème de la Crème list. I love this post because it's so very real and human, and I'm glad you shared it. Sometimes it's okay and even necessary to give yourself permission to be a bad friend.

  9. I agree with Lut. It really sounds like friend #2 just isn't the right person for you to be spending time with. It doesn't mean that you're a bad friend. It just means that she isn't the right friend for you right now. Fair enough.

    I know how much this all hurts. I'm sorry that things have been so hard.

    (here from creme)