Monday, February 13, 2012

im not ok

nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.

there are more.

but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.


  1. Oh sweetie. I am so sorry. Your heartache is not fair. You shouldn't have to go through this. I wish I could help in some way.

    Hugs and hope.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about this - it breaks my heart. I know the pain, it hurts so badly right after it happens. But you will feel better in time. Sending you hugs.

  3. :( I think there is NO WAY your husband would regret marrying you! And somehow someway you guys will have your family. I know it hurts so much right now and your heart is crushed in pieces. But I truly believe you will get through this and get strong again. Sending you big hugs...xoxox

  4. It hurts reading this because I remember feeling like this all the time. :( I'm so sorry- and I know nothing anyone can say can make you feel better right now. :( I just hope you know that so many of us have felt that pain before and want this to go away for you too! Sending LOTS of prayers your way!

  5. A BIG virtual hug coming your way right now. You poor thing; your entire outlook becomes clouded when you've been met with so much disappointment. Lean on others when you feel so down, so that they can help re-build your emotional strength and find hope again.

  6. I'm so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. I remember well feeling this way. Hoping and praying your children come along soon and that hurt gives way to joy.

  7. I'm so sorry..... Thinking about you.... Good God, haven't you been through enough, why can't you (or I) just have a normal pregnancy and have a baby as you deserve! Why do some of us have to suffer! It is truly unfair... I feel terrible that you are going through this...There is nothing fair about this... {hugs}

  8. *major hugs* Jes! I so completely remember those thoughts and feelings. There is nothing like IF to beat down a girl (and her guy). My heart hurts for you and I've got tears in my eyes. It's not easy, I know!

    This may not be the thing you want to hear right now, but after 3,4 years of trying, we managed to get pregnant on our last IVF try. I was totally mentally preparing myself to never be a mom, but it happened. Don't give up, these things do happen.
    Thinking of you.

  9. You will get your family Jess. One way or another you will get your family. This is not the end of the road for you. You can always discuss ways to improve egg quality and do another retrieval. Check out this article I found on improving egg quality with a supplemental called Inositol ( There is donor eggs, donor embryos, surrogacy, and adoption. There are still SOOOOOO many ways to build that family you have dreamed of. Good things are coming your way. I know it. Keep your head up and do everything you have to do to heal. I suggest lots and lots of wine; )

  10. I am glad you posted, I have been thinking about you. I am sorry that you are struggling. I think I know how you may feel, I remember having many of the same scary thoughts. I remember crying in the basement of my old house and thinking the unthinkable, what if Conor wants to leave me because I can't get pregnant? It was so ugly, those thoughts are so toxic. I confided my fears to a good friend and she asked me what I would do if the tables were turned. What if we knew that it was a sperm count issue (or some other male factor issue), would I want to leave my husband? Would I love him any less? I knew the answer was absolutely not. It gave me some solace. It is NOT your fault Jes, you are doing everything you possibly can to get pregnant.
    You know that you can conceive, you have been pregnant multiple times already. Have you ever done any RPL testing? I pushed it because I have other autoimmune conditions & they tend to go hand in hand. Have you done an antagonist protocol? As hard as this is, don't give up. For what it is worth (and I hope you don't find this annoying), I believe you will get there.
    As always, sending lots of love.

  11. Of course you are hurting right now. It's normal and good to let the hurt out. Don't bottle it up or it will eat you up from the inside.

    That said, your glass seems half empty right now, but it won't forever. Those things you wrote aren't true. You are surrounded by people who love you.

    Take good care of yourself.

  12. The same things have been going through my head of late with my own case. I understand your fears. I just hope that they prove to be unfounded. I hope that you will someday have your family. I hope that your spouse will love you more each day just because you are a wonderful person. I hope that your hurts will heal. I'm thinking of you and knowing how you feel.

  13. Sending lots of prayers your way. Your husband is not going to regret marrying you and I know you'll be a mother. {{hugs))

  14. I think these are questions all of us ask :( You are worthy of love no matter what happens with TTC. Sending you hugs!

  15. Oh girl. I've been there and I'm sorry, because it's SO hard. The road seems long and unending and the questions just seem to grow. Keep talking, keep working through those emotions. xoxo