will this cycle ever end

ok, so thursday i had to go in for a beta. they wanted to track my beta down to zero. i was annoyed. i mean, i understand, but it's still annoying. your not pregnant, but, lets keep doing blood tests to make sure.

i was expecting a call from nurse M. thats my girl, i love nurse m! so when i picked up the phone and heard dr. d's voice, i knew it wasn't going to be good.

my beta came back at 261.
ugh.
really. this is not what i wanted to hear
(most women in my situation would love to hear about a beta of 261. but not at 30dp3dt. this is beta #4. 261 is not a good number.)

so dr. d said it could be a couple things:

1. best case scenario: beta is on the way back down. i had passed some tissue and had major cramping over the weekend. so thinking and hoping this is what it was.

2. some placental tissue attached to my uterus that is continuing to grow. this is gross.

3. ectopic pregnancy. NO FUN!!!

he asked that i come in monday for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, so that we could track my beta's and see what is going on. and then i told him that i was having major cramping all day. painful, like my worst period cramping. dr. d then suggested i go in friday instead of waiting the weekend.

so yesterday i woke up with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. off to see dr. d.
as soon as we got to the office, the waterworks began. nurse m gave me the look my bestie gives me when there is nothing to say. i love her. as soon as i sat down for bloodwork, she told me we were going to do an ultrasound, and then chat with dr. d. YUCK. i mean i love dr. d, but it was said in that, "i'm sorry but there is a problem" kind of way. YUCK.

as soon as dr.d walked into the ultrasound room, i became hysterical. this is the first time that i have cried in front of dr. d. he was great about it. i love him.

ultrasound revealed a small cyst on left ovary. thats it. dr. d said everything looked good. he also said he does not believe that it is an ectopic. god i hope not. he said we will continue to track the situation, back on monday for another beta.

beta number five, still going up. i was so upset i didn't even ask for a number.

this whole situation is ridiculous. i am upset, and sad. i am sad because i am not pregnant. but i am mostly upset. upset because, if i had just gotten my period like every other month, the BFN would not be so painful. the fact that this is being drawn out, into some strange gynecological drama, makes it so much worse. i would just like a period please. i don't even care if it is a bad period. just a period. bring it on AF!!

i just feel alone. i don't think there is anyone out there who can say anything to make me feel better today. i hate that feeling.