i am conflicted..... i am not sure what the right thing to do.
i spoke with DH about this last night, and he was no help.......
ok, so here's the situation.
i have 2 jobs.....
job #1 i started in july of 2009..... DH and I were starting to get frustrated with the TTC efforts, i had just started to make some changes to be healthier. for example not drinking, no caffeine....
now in the restaurant business you work with a lot of people who party, and they party HARD. so basically, i don't really hang out with anyone from this job because they love to party, and i was trying to get knocked up..... it's ok, not the end of the world.
now i have job #2..... some of these people i have worked with on and off for 10 years..... some of these people i have partied my ass of with. i mean i spent the first half of my twenty's getting fucked up with some of these people. yes we are all older and wiser, but still, they knew me in what seems to be another life.
also, as i grew professionally, i became a boss to many of these people, so there is another group within this restaurant who don't know me as the fun, have a good time jessica, but i would love to hang out with every once in a while.
so now, as i am back in an hourly position, i am torn..... torn because of IF. it kills me.
because we are on a break, i am ready to have a little fun, let my hair down..... i am allowed to hang out with whomever i want, and they want to hang out. ( as a manager, i was not allowed to hang out with my employees)
but what happens when our break ends..... what happens when i go back to being the hormonal, self-injecting, hermit-like, well behaved, symptom chasing jessica.
my friends, the people i have known forever. the people i love and trust know about the IF. i DO NOT want people i work with to know about our struggle. i do not want to lie about why i can't go have a drink after work, i do not want them speculating as to my pregnancy status, i want nothing to do with it. so what do i do?
i feel stuck.
i would so love to go have a drink and have some fun after work, but at the same time, i don't want to have to explain myself when i am unable to cut loose and have fun anymore. Dh said i was being anti-social.
IF makes me feel lonely in so many ways.