we started a list of baby names that DH didn't mind

we started looking at cars..... because mine is not acceptable for a child to be in. EVER.

i pee'd on a digital pee stick, that i had been holding on to for way too long. it said the words i have longed to see..... "PREGNANT"

i planned to tell my husbands family the good news over father's day weekend.

we talked about how the house would get rearranged.

i tried not to get excited..... i really tried. but i did. i was excited. and truly happy.


on thursday we had the first ultrasound. i was pumped. i was ready to see something amazing. as soon as the wand went in i started to breath heavy. almost a panic. it wasn't good. and i knew it immediately.
we saw one sac. and that was about it. there was a fuzzy little something when dr. d moved the wand in a certain direction. he said maybe. maybe next week we will see more. as we left the office the mood had changed. when we walked in, it was a feeling of excitement. happiness. when we left it was quiet. sad.
i knew it was a long shot.

i prepared for the worst. because basically, it was the worst.

today we went back for the follow up. a week later.
maybe we will see something.
dr. d came in hopeful. he said he was thinking about us all week. dh saw him say a little prayer before he stuck the wand in.
and there it was.
a sac.
just a sac. nothing else.
dr. d typed the words "empty sac" on the ultrasound screen. he said he was going to look carefully.
so we sat there while he looked...... all i saw were those words. empty sac. everywhere he looked. and it was. completely empty.

dr. d was sad. almost defeated. he said he was so sorry, and said to meet us in his office when we were ready. the nurse left with dr. d but first wished us condolences as well. she looked so sad, as if she was going to cry. she quickly left the room.

i don't know why, but the way that they tried to console us made me laugh. as they left the room i had tears in my eyes. but i was giggling.
maybe it was nervous laughter. maybe self preservation. i'm not quite sure. but it was pretty funny.

we got it together and went to speak with dr. d.
it's kind of a blur that conversation. and i am glad dh was there so maybe i can remember more of what he said when i'm ready.

things i do know.
D & C sometime next week.
the tissue will be sent to a lab for biopsy.
i get pregnant with ivf.....now we need to figure out how to keep me pregnant.
dr. d is determined to figure out how to make it happen.
fresh cycle in 2ish months.
dh is the best man i know.