detox/elimination day 14

i can't even believe i have made it 14 days!! 2 weeks seems so long, but the time has just flown by. so far the program has been very easy. i am shocked by so many things....
1. i have not cheated. not even when my 2 year old nephew tried to force me to eat his chocolate chip cookie (he is the best at sharing)
2. i have not freaked out once.... i am the type who gets a craving and thinks about that craving until it is satisfied.
3. i am feeling so so good. better than i had hoped. even AF was easy this month.

so, i've got 14 more days to go. last day of the detox is june 20th. and starting june 22, hubs and i are on vacation!!!! 10 days of no work!!! halleluah! well deserved.

on the baby making front.... i have finally set up some appointments. i have set up 2 second opinions. one with the local baby making factory, and one with a well known doctor out of las vegas who does free consultations. first up, on june 20th, the local baby factory. the doctor i am seeing is the medical director of a large group of RE's, and is very well respected by baby making professionals in south flor.ida, so it should be interesting.
and next, on june 22, a video conference with the doc in las vegas. this doc also seems to be well respected and knowledgable and well versed in reproductive immunology.

i am super anxious to see what both doctors have to say.

i have also scheduled an appointment with dr d..... for june 29th. he is on vacation for the month of july.... so i wanted to get in before he goes away. and maybe start bcp. so if i want to get started with another cycle in august we will be good to go.

so much going on..... its crazy. the break was definitely good for me. but now i am ready.... i just need to figure out what we are doing.

detox day 1

i started seeing a new acupuncturist about a month ago..... she (and my last acupuncturist) suggested i do a "cleanse" or "detox". because of all the toxins my body has been subjected to over the last 32 years. so, i spoke to hubs, got him on board and agreed to it. i didn't ask too many questions and i didn't wait to long. i thought it would be better to just jump right into it.....
so. here we go.

this morning i was set up with a whole bunch of appointments. first, dh and i met with the nutritionist who works out of my acupuncturists office. she laid out the guidelines, told us how the detox works, and took some crazy biometric reading with electrodes.
the results of the biometric scan...... we are not the healthiest people ever.... but we are not the unhealthiest (is that a word) people.
here is the gist....gluten free, soy free, sugar free, dairy free, caffine free, alcohol free, and then there are funny things..... like no corn or corn products, only chicken, turkey, lamb, wild game, and fish.
i am required to eat protien at every meal. and 4-6 cups of leafy greens every day. also the detox includes a package of vitamins twice a day and a protien like shake once a day.

after the nutritionist meeting i had an acupuncture treatment. and after that i soaked my feet in a detoxifiying foot bath..... that was some nasty shit. the water just filled up with gunk.

when i left the office i was truly overwhelmed. i went home and cleaned out my fridge and cabinets. i got rid of most temptations....or wrapped them up so they wont be opened until the detox is over.
i also did a little grocery shopping as the cabinets and fridge were basically empty. i was kind of freaking out.
it got better as the day went on.

i have decided to write down what i am eating on here..... mostly for myself. so i have accountablity and dont cheat.
sorry....

breakfast: an apple, pineapple, and watermelon
vitamin pack around 10:15
snack: protien shake
lunch/dinner: ( ate at 4pm) 2 baked boneless skinless chicken thighs, large mixed greens salad with tomato, cucumber, and bell pepper, tossed with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and large baked sweet potato with sea salt
vitamin pack around 6pm
snack: banana
another snack: puffed rice cereal with rice milk, blueberries and agave nectar.(yum, yum, yum)

symptoms: funny feeling in throat most of the day (sore, difficulty swallowing) mild headache most of the evening and feeling tired. sore neck around 10pm.

no stone left unturned

thats the plan.

thats what we decided after my wtf appt in march. no stone left unturned....

so, i was terrified before our wtf appt that dr. d. was going to say it was time to move on. i was so scared he was going to suggest donor eggs and giving up on my body. but, he didnt.

i. was. shocked.

so we went through my chart. we talked about all of it. including hubs and my thoughts of looking for a new doctor. we laid it all out on the table and dr d said what i needed to hear. he told me he was committed to us. and was willing to do whatever it takes to get us a take home baby.

he made a few suggestions, and after talking for a while we came up with a plan.

no stone left unturned.

i have had every test under the sun. (including all immunological tests)

hubs has also had testing done.... i mean its not that much, but SA continues to be rock star like and recently we did a DNA fragmentation test. which came back normal.

i have completed part one of a two part physical with my GP. just waiting on bloodwork to come back.

and i have started going back to acupuncture. a new acupuncturist. who i love. the next month with my acupuncturist will be pretty intense. 28 day elimination diet, meetings with a nutritionist, weekly b-12 injections, weekly footbaths, and biweekly acupuncture treatments. i think she heard me when i said "no stone left unturned".

i am also planning to speak to at least one other clinic. maybe two.
at my wtf i told dr d that i like him, and i like his clinic, but i had concerns about what else we could be doing..... he suggested i speak to other doctors, and if they make suggestions that he had not thought of..... he would without a doubt consider their ideas.

so i am thinking about a consult with dr. sher. its free..... there is nothing to loose.
and a consult with one other clinic that is somewhat local.

can you think of a stone, rock, or boulder that i have not thought of??? what do you think of my ideas??


p.s. please forgive any crazy type-o's or strange ramblings. i havent blogged in so long and this new blogger format has totally messed me up.

iclw may 2012

welcome iclw'ers!!

thanks for stopping by.

and to all my old blog friends...."hi". thanks to those who have checked in on me. and sent me your kind words..... im ok. trying to be ok.

so....for those who are here for the first time. here is some history.....that was my iclw welcome from november.

since then i have had yet another failed ivf cycle. a chemical. in february.

it rocked me. to. the. core.

i think this is my fourth blog post since then. i just needed a break. for a while i stopped blogging all together. not even reading any blogs. a couple weeks ago, i started to follow along. amazed at all the things that can change in 6 weeks. while i continue to feel like i am standing still.

i signed up for this months iclw in an attempt to find a few new blogs..... all my bloggy friends keep getting knocked up. and while i am truly happy for all these ladies i am still stuck in the struggle. and i need some support. support for an upcoming cycle, and also, starting thursday, support for a 28 day elimination/detox that my acupuncturist has prescribed.

gluten free/dairy free/sugar free/alcohol free/caffeine free.

i am determined..... but this is going to be wicked hard for me. hubs is going to join me on this cleanse.... but if you have some words of wisdom.... any support is appreciated.

i look forward to finding a few new bloggy friends this week..... happy iclw..
xoxo

p.s. this new blogger format SUCKS!

ugh

a girl i work with is preggo.

she is 26. she has been dating the father of the baby since december.

she got pregnant the first time they had sex.


UGH......

where im at

i have to apologize right up front.... my mind is all over the place, so, this post is surely going to run in a million different directions.

it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.

over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.

AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work

i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.

so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......

- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.

along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.

today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).

and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.

i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.

.

resolve support group

i was just looking around the resolve website and found a support group in my area....
it's meeting tonight.

has anyone ever gaone to one of these?
what do you think?

maybe i will go?

cd2 and a gift

thats right.....cd 2. my valentines day gift.....af.
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.

when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.

so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.

i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.

hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!

im not ok

nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.

there are more.

but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.
bad

FML

its over. beta today was 18. i am to stop all meds.

wish my hubs was here. im destroyed.

here's the story

hubs is away. and the day we started stims i just knew our beta would happen while he was out of the state. and of course on the day of transfer when they gave us our beta date....it was when hubs is away. i didn't even fight it. i knew they wouldn't move it up.... not for that. so i was ok for a while.

and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.

so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.

tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?

i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)

i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful rainbow.....it was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.

this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.

i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.

i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.

i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own schedule...it's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.

i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.

so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.

also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.

Hot mess

That's me. Hot fucking mess. I can't get it together today.
Hubs left for a business trip this morning. Won't be back til Sunday. I have to get through beta's without him. And quite frankly.... I'm not feeling too hopeful today.
I've cried several times today. Once in the shower.... Sobs.

I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work. Trying to pull myself together. Hopefully it's busy so my mind will be occupied for a few hours.

13dp3dt

still in the wait..... waiting forever!! i tried to get my clinic to let me have beta today.... no such luck.

my last two ivf cycles i have kept track of symptoms each day during my 2ww. this time i didn't. partially because i didn't want to make myself crazy thinking about symptoms, and partially because i was being lazy.
but i just want to write a few things down.... this is more for me than anything else. but read on if you want

sat 11dp3dt- felt pretty good. boobs still sore only on the sides and sensitive nipples. was tired during the day.... rested until work at 5. during work was super thirsty but felt pretty good. sleeping has been crappy. difficult to be comfortable all night.

sun 12dp3dt- worked during the day. felt good in morning.... very hungry. around 1:30 started to get cramps. was supposed to work until 5. left at 3 because of cramping. went home to lay down for a while.....felt ok. went to friends for superbowl....spent the whole time on the couch....cramping and feeling cold. got up only to eat and pee. home by 8. in bed by 8:30. still cramping. took some tylenol to help with cramps and mild headache. woke up once to pee in the night. again difficulty sleeping all night.

mon 13dp3dt- up again to pee at 7:30. spotting. brown. just barely a little red. FREAKED OUT!! wiped about a million times after that.... continue spotting but only brown. cramping continues. also in am lots of sneezing and nose blowing.
called dr office on the way to work. they told me to go home. went to work, was there for about 15 min and got sent home. boss said to leave. home and in bed by 11:30. stil cramping, but going to rest the rest of the day.

please please please let this be good. please.

TVT

its TVT..... the 2ww version.
also known as SVT!
:-)

- today we are 8dp3dt...beta is forever from now
- P4 checked yesterday.... nurse k was super excited when she called with results. 56.76
- super weepy lately....cried during "live with kelly" today (seriously)
- major cramping the last 2 days
- if i had a dollar for every time i have squeezed, pushed, or grabbed my boobs to see if they hurt.... i would be able to pay for several IVF cycles... they still hurt....and are feeling a little on the hard side
- indigestion.... which i HATE!! thank god for tums
- today i had super light spotting at work... i kind of freaked out.... i tried to keep cool at first, but it wasn't happening. i knew it could be good news but i still freaked. called hubs. he told me to relax, and said if i can't relax i should call the doctors office so they can tell me its ok.
i called. spoke to nurse k...as i knew she would she said it was ok, and probably good. she said i should relax and sit with my feet up for a few minutes..... i work in a restaurant...hard to do, but i made it happen. and got out of work a little early, so i could go home and relax.
- i had the nurse draw a diagram on my back so hubs is making sure he is putting my shots in the right place. there have been a couple days where i just knew....because of the pain...it was totally in the wrong place. and a couple days where there was bleeding. nurse k said if i was bleeding it is definitely in the wrong spot, and possibly hitting a nerve....... explains some of my PIO pain.
- thanks for all your support ladies!!! you make the wait a little less evil

200

200 posts. almost 2 years.

so much has happened. we have been through so much together.....

2 fertility doctors, 2 IUI's, 2 hysteroscopy's, 2 D&C's, 1 Laparoscopy, 1 Endometrial Biopsy, 1 canceled IVF cycle, 3 egg retrievals, 4 embryo transfers, 8 embryos i loved like crazy, 1 Saline Sonogram, 3 Mock Transfers, 5 Trigger shots, 27 shots of Bravelle, 28 shots of Menopur, 34 shots of Lupron, 11 shots of Ganirelix, 45 evil Endometrin suppositories, 67 compounded progesterone suppositories, 54 PIO shots, 28 Acupuncture sessions, 3 packs of birth control, 1 Rhogam shot, 3 WTF Appointments, 17 beta's, 1 methotrexate shot, 1 chemical pregnancy, and 1 blighted ovum.

so much.

countless tears, a lot of bad days, and some perfect and amazing good days.

110 people who care enough to follow my story. 967 comments.... all wonderful. all supportive and amazing.
when my husband suggested i start a blog i thought he was crazy.... i asked if he had ever read an infertility blog...to my surpise he had. i thought they were crazy.....full of sad stories, full of terrible things happening, or infertiles who had achieved their dream. i thought everything about it was crazy....especially all the abbreviations!

but i needed an outlet. i need a way to get my feelings out.... so. i did it. and truly. this community. all you ladies. my friends. i just don't know how it would have worked with out your support.

so today. to celebrate my 200th posting, i celebrate you. i say thank you. without you, who knows where i would be.
and i send my love. all my love. to all of you wonderfully supportive and special women.

xoxo

PIO

every cycle the PIO gets a little harder... its like my body hasn't recovered fully from the shots the last time, and here we are again. doing the shots all over.

i have tried everything. ice, no ice, laying down, standing staight up, bending over, heating the shot, room temp shot. 25g needles, 22g needles...... anything i might be missing??

right now i am doing no ice, heating the progestrone in a hearing pad after loaded into the syringe, alternating sides, 22g, 1.5 inch needle (ivf nurse suggested this needle) and standing bent over, with all my weight on opposite leg as the side shot is going into (left side shot, all my weight on right leg). after the shot i rub, in a circular motion, and sometimes i do a little heating pad.

the shots fucking hurt!

thursday night i had a giant welt that didn't go away until sunday. sometimes they bleed a little. but man o man they hurt so fucking bad lately. it just scares me to think this could be going on for 5 or 6 more weeks. i mean it would be totally worth it. but man....

any ideas ladies???
are we doing something wrong??

as for the 2ww.... i am now 6dp3dt. and i have all the crazy progestrone symptoms.
sore boobs (i am constantly grabbing them to see if they hurt.... mostly the nipples and on the sides)
crazy dreams.... so crazy the last couple night i have woken up around 4 and considered not going back to sleep so i don't have to dream such craziness.
cramping
constipation
extreme thirst
hunger
amazing smelling abilities

wednesday i have bloodwork.....just P4 and E2. my clinic makes me wait FOREVER for beta's..... luckily i will be working every day until my beta... hopefully the time will pass quickly.

4dp3dt

today is 4dp3dt. i am still preggo. nothing major to report....but here are random thoughts in bullet points..

- major cramping the first couple days after transfer. it made me kind of nervous, and kind of excited.

- i have been off work since last friday. really nice, as my job sucks

- i spent tuesday(day of transfer) and wednesday in bed. with dear hubs waiting on me hand a foot. it was nice. he is great.
during my bedrest i watched a rediculous amount of movies....
*crazy, stupid love.... a new favorite. partially because ryan gosling is so damn sexy
*morning glory...it was ok...not amazing
*bad teacher..... the funniest part of the movie was watching cameron diaz trying to light a bong with her stove....i laughed for a while after that :-) hahaha
*moneyball....good. very good.
*the ides of march..... feeding into my love of ryan gosling again...it was ok.
*bridesmaids..... this was my seond attempt at watching bridesmaids. the first time i fell asleep.... didn't love it. i now understand why i slept through it the first time. and strange because i feel like EVERYONE loved that movie.
there may have been more ..... thats what i remember.

- i have started to feel the effects of the progestrone. sore nipples. metal taste in mouth. tired. crazy. thirsty. and for some reason when i am on progestrone, i tend to feel sorry for myself....it sucks.

- the other day i hung out with bff and her little man....(he is 2 and the love of my life). several times he wanted me to pick him up, or hold him, or snuggle with him.....i was so sad i couldn't just pick him up and hug him and squeeze him.....but it will be so awesome when has a little cousin(s) to play with

- hubs and i went to the keys yesterday.... it was nice. a change on scenery. we laid by the hotel pool, fished, ate stone crabs, and stared at the ocean. very nice. i think i needed the little getaway....

-yesterday and today are the days that my embabies should be burrowing in for the long haul. i have been thinking about them constantly and praying they stick around. please please please.

-tomorrow is my last day off before i have to go back to work. maybe i can convince hubs to go to the beach for a little bit...

- i have some new followers....thanks for joining.... and thanks so everyone for all your kind words and encouragment..... it means more than you could know
xoxoxo

preggo

i'm preggo!! (i don't really like PUPO....i would rather be preggo)

today we transferred 2 embabies....(the 3rd didn't make it) i don't think they are amazing quality.... but, i'm not to concerned with quality. i've learned it doesn't really matter all that much. so i am just trying to stay hopeful.

here they are....








i love them










the transfer went well..... i mean not terrible. my transfers are always difficult... but it only took what seemed like 10 minutes and dr. d stayed calm the whole time.... which doesn't happen every time


here they are.....in my ute!!









more love!!















and check out these!! i call them my business socks!!









they have been making me happy all day long









please embabies.... please just stay with me. we will have an amazing time together!! and so much fun!! i love you already, and daddy and i want you so badly in our lives.

fertilization report

i am super glad dr. d called.... just because i was wondering how i would get through today without hearing how my embabies did.

we have 3.

well. ok.
i mean i know it only takes one. but just a little disappointed..... my ovaries are getting old. older than me. it's scaring me a little bit.

so

on tuesday we will transfer 3. 3 embabies.

please lord....please just let this work. please..... let me bring my baby home this year.

retrieval

all done.

they got 7 eggs. i was in so much pain. but the heating pad seems to help. won't get fertilization report til monday, but i am just praying we have 3 or 4 little embabies to transfer.

today, we made babies!

retrieval tomorrow

im wicked nervous right now......
hoping everything is perfect tomorrow.
praying for some nice mature follies. to make some perfect little embabies......

TVT

i never did thought vomit thursday before.....
i guess now is as good a time as any to give it a shot.

1. my friend "j" (who i work with) had a baby girl on monday. she was born early. and they haven't gotten to hold their precious baby girl yet. as she is being monitored in the NICU. i hope they get to hold their daughter very soon. and i hope she gets to go home with her mommy and daddy.... as soon as possible.

2. smug preggo's make me want to kill. there is one at my work who needs to get hit in the face..... with a brick.

3. i am so bloated.... my pants are tight. i feel like i have to pee basically every half hour. but when i pee, there is nothing there.

4. follies looked good today. left side: 2 18's and a 20. right side: 2 18's, 17, 19, and 2 12's

5. i triggered at 8:30 tonight. retrieval at 8:30 saturday morning (eastern standard time)

:-)

6. transfer on tuesday..... please please please lord give me three amazing embabies to put back!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!

7. bed rest tuesday, wednesday, and most of thursday. i am only ordered bed rest for 2 days.... but the 3rd day can't hurt much.

8. friday morning (next friday). we are going to the keys!! islamorada. just for a little change of scenery. we are staying at a cute little hotel that we love. the drop achor resort. just going to stay friday night and come home saturday...... i talked hubs into it. nothing better than living 2 hours from paradise.

9. please please please let 2012 give me a take home baby.

10. sorry about the keys thing..... i know most of you are in the middle of winter.... but i don't do winter.

etsy dreams.... and an update

i have been dreaming of these slippers for a while. i have the picture saved on my ipad... i look at them often. they look so perfect in the picture. i think i am a little afriad to order them. afraid they will not live up to my expectations. afraid they won't be as perfect as i imagine them to be.
but aren't they adorable!!!

now, for the update...

lining: 7.5 triple layer. (thank goodness)

left side: 19, 15, 13, 12
right side: 18, 17, 17, 15, 12

E2 in the 600's ....didn't get an exact number

moving right along.

ivf nurse said i definitely won't make it to monday. retrieval will be saturday or sunday. i am thinking probably sunday.(and hoping for sunday... more time for follies to grow and mature) but we go back tomorrow and i am sure we will know better after that ultrasound.

i am feeling pretty good.....the bloat has started to become real. but it is not terrible at all. and i am feeling super happy and excited.

a crazy question....and probably TMI..but i would love your opinions....
do you think 2.5 days is enough time between ejaculation before the big deposit on retrival day??? (this would be on the small chance that retrieval is on saturday) i would like to have sex before the endless pelvic rest begins.... what do you think?? safe or just don't do it?

monitoring update

several times i have mentioned, here and IRL, how large my file is getting at dr. d's office. i have told the nurses it's starting to get to phone book status.... way too big. they always insist there are much bigger files.... i haven't seen one though...i am always looking.
so this morning as nurse k was drawing my blood. my file fell of the wall. it pulled one of those file holder things straight off the wall!!!
it was CRAZY! i mean seriously... it's time to move on... it's time for my baby. my file is to big to hang on the damn wall!


finally... after 3 ivf's i got my hubs to write things down as they do the ultrasound during monitoring!!!! yay for hubs!!
(this is more for my records than anything....but read on if you are interested)

left side: 13, 13, 13, 12
right side: 14, 13, 12, 8
i didn't see the ultrasound screen so maybe there were some more little ones.... but yay!!! both sides are working!! great job ladies!

as i suspected.... my lining left a little to be desired at 3... maybe 4.
i was kind of upset until i went back through my blog and saw last time the lining was slow go but ended up just fine before retrieval. so, i am not going to stress about it at all.

E2 came back at 384. nurse k said things were good.

and i started gan.ire.lix today after the follow up phone call.

trigger will be friday night or saturday night..... i am thinking probably saturday night for a monday morning retrieval.....
GROW FOLLIES!! GROW!

missing our oatmeal raisin baby

oatmeat raisin baby..... that's what i called our baby when i was preggo after our FET last year. and today, as i was pulling into work after our monitoring appointment, i thought of our baby. i thought about how i would be having a baby any time now.... it would be about 2 weeks from my due date.
it's so funny how the universe works. because when i walked into work i found out that my coworker, J, who's wife was 2 weeks behind me was in labor. i was genuinely happy for J..... it's just so strange how things happen.

i miss our oatmeal raisin baby....

day 3 of stims

tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.... this first scan is always the scariest. i am praying for a good number of follies.... and a little nervous about my lining because, well, i am still bleeding. its just a little but... i need that lining!!!

please follies just grow.... a lot.

also, i have been listening to my circle + bloom.. i like it a lot. reminds me of the hypnosis i used to do what feels like a lifetime ago.

cycle start

i was nervous and excited all day today.

we had our appointment this morning. ultrasound was all clear. everything ready to go.
i am doing all the shots IM this time. that was a shock. the last 3 cycles i have done all shots sub-q. and the thought of menopur IM scared the living daylights out of me. it burns so bad.... so, it's going to burn going into my butt muscles..... not so exciting.

everything was fine though... hubs did the shot super fast and the burning only lasted a few seconds. i think hubs is secretly excited he gets to do all of my shots.

next friday i will be full of follies!!

this has to work.

CD1

af showed today. not evil, bitchy, raging Af. just a nice calm version of her. i was wicked suprised she showed at all. usually after bcp she is a no show.
so tomorrow is the day.

stim start

(as long as nothing crazy happens.... i am praying for no cysts)
it's funny how it always feels like the first day of school. those anxious type butterflies.
please god....let it be my turn.
please let this work

we went out for sushi and a little bit of sake. my last sushi and alcohol for hopefully a very long time. we came home and signed the consent forms. i packed my meds so i can inject in the bathroom at work tomorrow (fun). we are ready.

please let it be my turn..... please let this work

circle + bloom

have you heard of it?

have you used it?

do you believe in the mind/body connection?

what do you think about it?

do you like it???

if you don't know what i'm talking about here is a link.....circle + bloom

i just bought it. and it's downloading right now.
i think i might love it.

holy fertility meds batman!!

i usually don't post pictures of meds..... but wow!!!! this is a lot of meds.

it came in 3 boxes. when i checked the tracking info it said 3 boxes and 16 pounds. ok.......



and then i opened the boxes..... ummmmm that's a lot of shit.
we are going to make some babies with these babies......

catching up

today is the first day i have relaxed and done nothing in maybe a month..... it was perfect. i sat on the couch all day.... from 9:30 until 4 o'clock..... and i enjoyed every minute of it.

the last few weeks have been crazy, busy, and hectic. first off the week before and the week after christmas are INSANE at work. i work in a restaurant, in a upscale snobby mall. non-stop busy at work has made me exhausted.

and then

the holidays. whenever christmas and chanukkah fall in the same week it kills me. and on top of that there was shopping, cooking, entertaining, partIes, gift wrapping, my brother in town, and my dad and his wife in town (i haven't seen my dad or brother since last christmas)

also

dh went away for an annual trip in chicago.... always the week before christmas.... real helpful. after chicago he had to detour to houston for a funeral.....(very unexpected and very sad)

and

my mom is having some health issues

and

bff is preggo

and

af showed her evil face on christmas day..... and brought brutal, horrendous cramping and awful pain.... and tears (just because).

and

my house is a disaster as i decided to add the the crazy and throw a NYE party

:-)

so..... today was for me. it was perfect. i sat on the couch and netfix'd "breakng bad". i watched the entire first season.
i returned some gifts to bed bath and beyond and got an awesome new omlette pan, for my random egg cravings...
and now i am babysitting the love of my life.... my nephew bubba.(he is 2, and no his name isn't really bubba) as i put him to bed i gave him a kiss and told him i loved him..... he said, "i love you too anut jes, happy new year". it was the freaking cutest thing ever.

as for the baby making..... started the evil BCP on the 28th. all meds are ordered and will arrive tomorrow. i scheduled some time off at work.... taking off starting the 21st and will have at least 10 days off.....YAY!!
tomorrow i am going to try and schedule a fertility massage. meds to start on the 13th.

tonight before bff left to go to dinner i asked my nephew bubba if him mom was having a baby..... he smiled and rubbed my belly and said,"baby"..... i said, "not yet bubba..... but soon."
he smiled back.

this has to work.

2012

make my dreams come true.....


take home baby in 2012.



that's it.