Saturday, July 2, 2011

timeline of torture

thursday june 16: ultrasound showing 1 gestational sac, nothing else visible.

sunday june 18: fathers day. a day i was hoping to celebrate. a day spent with family. silently fearful.

monday june 20: coworker, j, comes to work telling people his wife POAS stick on saturday......they got two BFP. coworker did not tell me, but i overheard him telling other people at work. was happy for him. they started trying in april.

wednesday june 22: my ultrasound revealing empty gestational sac. very sad day.

friday june 24: again overheard j talking to a coworker. he was telling someone they had an ultrasound that morning and had seen the sac. made me kind of sad. a little jealous. a little later that same day i got a phone call from my IVF pharmacy, confirming the shipment of my rhogam shot. i was done. i went and hid. and cried. the rhogam shot for some reason made it real to me. i had lost the pregnancy.

saturday june 25: people at work talking about j and his wife's pregnancy. bleck!

monday june 26: pre-op dr visit. lots of talk about moving forward with future ivf. i had to work after the appointment. i was destroyed. "j" was talking to me about "when they have a baby" (he had not officially shared the news with me and i did everything possible to keep him from telling me, i was conveniently busy, each time he tried to talk to me) while at work. i suffered through the conversation, barely. also, suffered through the day. it was hard. at home after work dh and i got in an argument, about nothing. then i showered and had a cleansing cry......i got the worst sadness out, i hope.

tuesday june 28: D & C. pregnancy gone at 8 weeks 6 days.

thursday june 30: rejoined the living world after two full days at home in bed. worked, was complimented by corporate muckety-muck. had a great day.

friday july 1: full day back at work. when "j" arrived at work he told me. "we saw a heartbeat today jes.".
i was DESTROYED. immediately there was a lump in my throat, i was shaking and sweating. it was the worst thing i could have heard.....i was not prepared. i calmly, unable to look at "j" said, "congrats, thats awesome.". and then i ran away.
i had to hide for quite a while. i had to tell my boss i needed a minute.
i sobbed. i was so upset that i knew i just needed to cry it out. i knew i couldn't hold it in. it took me about a half an hour to pull myself together. but i don't think anyone knew about it. thank god.

i think i have to say something. i just don't think i can handle pregnancy updates. i think that "j"'s good news might be difficult for quite a while. and i don't want to be an emotional wreck every time "j" mentions something to me, or for that matter tries to speak to me at all.

so... i'm trying to work this out. figure out how to tell "j" (someone who i really like, and have known for 10+ years) about my loss, about my needs, without being a complete psycho. and without hurting his feelings or scaring him to death. and also ensuring everyone else at my work doesn't find out about it.


  1. Wow you have had one hell of a month dear. I think it might be good to let "j" know that you are going through a difficult time and that although you are happy for him, pregnancy updates really hurt you.
    I'm so so so sorry for your loss and wish you didn't have to go through that.

  2. UGH. Just UGH. Jes, that just plain sucks. I'd tell him that pregnancy talk makes you feel really sad right now because of personal things going on with you and that you'll tell him when you're ready to talk about things "related to baby" again.

    Wishing you a better month :)

  3. I agree with Tracy.
    Big big hugs. I am so sorry for this terrible time.

  4. That your co-worker (or his wife) is going through a pregnancy in such a parallel fashion seems cruel and unusual. That you have to hear about it each day is completely intolerable. I don't think that you'll come across as a freak if you discretely ask your colleague to avoid giving you the updates, given your current situation. If I was your colleague, I would want to know that instead of stupidly be giving you information that hurt you.
    I hope that things start looking up soon.

  5. Wow, what an incredibly difficult month. I am thining of you and I am sure that you will communicate well with j about your background and your future needs.

  6. im so sorry Jes. And I also agree that you should tell your co worker. Seeing that yall have known eachother for a while, it should be easy to talk to him and let him know that u just can't handle pregnancy talk right now. He will totally understand. you'll know when it's time to wanna hear about it. But for now.. it won't do you any good.

    *big hugs to you.

  7. Oh, fertiles are so clueless, aren't they. They don't mean to hurt us, but they do. I think you should be honest with j. He can't know unless you tell him. Be very clear of what you need from him (limit the news until you are not around)
    TELL him: "What I need is (stated simply);
    Tell him what that would look like (say what would happen and what would not happen)
    Tell him what what it will provide to you (describe what impact it will have on you)
    Then ASK him: "What do you NEED in order to give me what I'm asking for?" (and give him space to think about it and listen to him).

    Good luck!

  8. I'm so very if all the heartache from the miscarraige isn't enough then you have to deal with that at work...I know the feeling as I started miscarrying (very early after an IVF) and my sister was announcing her (very easily obtained) pregnancy to everyone! It really stung and I had to watch her get bigger as I grieved another loss (a follow-up negative FET) and then a few months later, I found out I was pregnant with twins after my next FET. It's so painful now but in the near future, it may seem like a distant memory...good luck with your next cycle!!