thursday june 16: ultrasound showing 1 gestational sac, nothing else visible.
sunday june 18: fathers day. a day i was hoping to celebrate. a day spent with family. silently fearful.
monday june 20: coworker, j, comes to work telling people his wife POAS stick on saturday......they got two BFP. coworker did not tell me, but i overheard him telling other people at work. was happy for him. they started trying in april.
wednesday june 22: my ultrasound revealing empty gestational sac. very sad day.
friday june 24: again overheard j talking to a coworker. he was telling someone they had an ultrasound that morning and had seen the sac. made me kind of sad. a little jealous. a little later that same day i got a phone call from my IVF pharmacy, confirming the shipment of my rhogam shot. i was done. i went and hid. and cried. the rhogam shot for some reason made it real to me. i had lost the pregnancy.
saturday june 25: people at work talking about j and his wife's pregnancy. bleck!
monday june 26: pre-op dr visit. lots of talk about moving forward with future ivf. i had to work after the appointment. i was destroyed. "j" was talking to me about "when they have a baby" (he had not officially shared the news with me and i did everything possible to keep him from telling me, i was conveniently busy, each time he tried to talk to me) while at work. i suffered through the conversation, barely. also, suffered through the day. it was hard. at home after work dh and i got in an argument, about nothing. then i showered and had a cleansing cry......i got the worst sadness out, i hope.
tuesday june 28: D & C. pregnancy gone at 8 weeks 6 days.
thursday june 30: rejoined the living world after two full days at home in bed. worked, was complimented by corporate muckety-muck. had a great day.
friday july 1: full day back at work. when "j" arrived at work he told me. "we saw a heartbeat today jes.".
i was DESTROYED. immediately there was a lump in my throat, i was shaking and sweating. it was the worst thing i could have heard.....i was not prepared. i calmly, unable to look at "j" said, "congrats, thats awesome.". and then i ran away.
i had to hide for quite a while. i had to tell my boss i needed a minute.
i sobbed. i was so upset that i knew i just needed to cry it out. i knew i couldn't hold it in. it took me about a half an hour to pull myself together. but i don't think anyone knew about it. thank god.
i think i have to say something. i just don't think i can handle pregnancy updates. i think that "j"'s good news might be difficult for quite a while. and i don't want to be an emotional wreck every time "j" mentions something to me, or for that matter tries to speak to me at all.
so... i'm trying to work this out. figure out how to tell "j" (someone who i really like, and have known for 10+ years) about my loss, about my needs, without being a complete psycho. and without hurting his feelings or scaring him to death. and also ensuring everyone else at my work doesn't find out about it.