200

200 posts. almost 2 years.

so much has happened. we have been through so much together.....

2 fertility doctors, 2 IUI's, 2 hysteroscopy's, 2 D&C's, 1 Laparoscopy, 1 Endometrial Biopsy, 1 canceled IVF cycle, 3 egg retrievals, 4 embryo transfers, 8 embryos i loved like crazy, 1 Saline Sonogram, 3 Mock Transfers, 5 Trigger shots, 27 shots of Bravelle, 28 shots of Menopur, 34 shots of Lupron, 11 shots of Ganirelix, 45 evil Endometrin suppositories, 67 compounded progesterone suppositories, 54 PIO shots, 28 Acupuncture sessions, 3 packs of birth control, 1 Rhogam shot, 3 WTF Appointments, 17 beta's, 1 methotrexate shot, 1 chemical pregnancy, and 1 blighted ovum.

so much.

countless tears, a lot of bad days, and some perfect and amazing good days.

110 people who care enough to follow my story. 967 comments.... all wonderful. all supportive and amazing.
when my husband suggested i start a blog i thought he was crazy.... i asked if he had ever read an infertility blog...to my surpise he had. i thought they were crazy.....full of sad stories, full of terrible things happening, or infertiles who had achieved their dream. i thought everything about it was crazy....especially all the abbreviations!

but i needed an outlet. i need a way to get my feelings out.... so. i did it. and truly. this community. all you ladies. my friends. i just don't know how it would have worked with out your support.

so today. to celebrate my 200th posting, i celebrate you. i say thank you. without you, who knows where i would be.
and i send my love. all my love. to all of you wonderfully supportive and special women.

xoxo

PIO

every cycle the PIO gets a little harder... its like my body hasn't recovered fully from the shots the last time, and here we are again. doing the shots all over.

i have tried everything. ice, no ice, laying down, standing staight up, bending over, heating the shot, room temp shot. 25g needles, 22g needles...... anything i might be missing??

right now i am doing no ice, heating the progestrone in a hearing pad after loaded into the syringe, alternating sides, 22g, 1.5 inch needle (ivf nurse suggested this needle) and standing bent over, with all my weight on opposite leg as the side shot is going into (left side shot, all my weight on right leg). after the shot i rub, in a circular motion, and sometimes i do a little heating pad.

the shots fucking hurt!

thursday night i had a giant welt that didn't go away until sunday. sometimes they bleed a little. but man o man they hurt so fucking bad lately. it just scares me to think this could be going on for 5 or 6 more weeks. i mean it would be totally worth it. but man....

any ideas ladies???
are we doing something wrong??

as for the 2ww.... i am now 6dp3dt. and i have all the crazy progestrone symptoms.
sore boobs (i am constantly grabbing them to see if they hurt.... mostly the nipples and on the sides)
crazy dreams.... so crazy the last couple night i have woken up around 4 and considered not going back to sleep so i don't have to dream such craziness.
cramping
constipation
extreme thirst
hunger
amazing smelling abilities

wednesday i have bloodwork.....just P4 and E2. my clinic makes me wait FOREVER for beta's..... luckily i will be working every day until my beta... hopefully the time will pass quickly.

4dp3dt

today is 4dp3dt. i am still preggo. nothing major to report....but here are random thoughts in bullet points..

- major cramping the first couple days after transfer. it made me kind of nervous, and kind of excited.

- i have been off work since last friday. really nice, as my job sucks

- i spent tuesday(day of transfer) and wednesday in bed. with dear hubs waiting on me hand a foot. it was nice. he is great.
during my bedrest i watched a rediculous amount of movies....
*crazy, stupid love.... a new favorite. partially because ryan gosling is so damn sexy
*morning glory...it was ok...not amazing
*bad teacher..... the funniest part of the movie was watching cameron diaz trying to light a bong with her stove....i laughed for a while after that :-) hahaha
*moneyball....good. very good.
*the ides of march..... feeding into my love of ryan gosling again...it was ok.
*bridesmaids..... this was my seond attempt at watching bridesmaids. the first time i fell asleep.... didn't love it. i now understand why i slept through it the first time. and strange because i feel like EVERYONE loved that movie.
there may have been more ..... thats what i remember.

- i have started to feel the effects of the progestrone. sore nipples. metal taste in mouth. tired. crazy. thirsty. and for some reason when i am on progestrone, i tend to feel sorry for myself....it sucks.

- the other day i hung out with bff and her little man....(he is 2 and the love of my life). several times he wanted me to pick him up, or hold him, or snuggle with him.....i was so sad i couldn't just pick him up and hug him and squeeze him.....but it will be so awesome when has a little cousin(s) to play with

- hubs and i went to the keys yesterday.... it was nice. a change on scenery. we laid by the hotel pool, fished, ate stone crabs, and stared at the ocean. very nice. i think i needed the little getaway....

-yesterday and today are the days that my embabies should be burrowing in for the long haul. i have been thinking about them constantly and praying they stick around. please please please.

-tomorrow is my last day off before i have to go back to work. maybe i can convince hubs to go to the beach for a little bit...

- i have some new followers....thanks for joining.... and thanks so everyone for all your kind words and encouragment..... it means more than you could know
xoxoxo

preggo

i'm preggo!! (i don't really like PUPO....i would rather be preggo)

today we transferred 2 embabies....(the 3rd didn't make it) i don't think they are amazing quality.... but, i'm not to concerned with quality. i've learned it doesn't really matter all that much. so i am just trying to stay hopeful.

here they are....








i love them










the transfer went well..... i mean not terrible. my transfers are always difficult... but it only took what seemed like 10 minutes and dr. d stayed calm the whole time.... which doesn't happen every time


here they are.....in my ute!!









more love!!















and check out these!! i call them my business socks!!









they have been making me happy all day long









please embabies.... please just stay with me. we will have an amazing time together!! and so much fun!! i love you already, and daddy and i want you so badly in our lives.

fertilization report

i am super glad dr. d called.... just because i was wondering how i would get through today without hearing how my embabies did.

we have 3.

well. ok.
i mean i know it only takes one. but just a little disappointed..... my ovaries are getting old. older than me. it's scaring me a little bit.

so

on tuesday we will transfer 3. 3 embabies.

please lord....please just let this work. please..... let me bring my baby home this year.

retrieval

all done.

they got 7 eggs. i was in so much pain. but the heating pad seems to help. won't get fertilization report til monday, but i am just praying we have 3 or 4 little embabies to transfer.

today, we made babies!

retrieval tomorrow

im wicked nervous right now......
hoping everything is perfect tomorrow.
praying for some nice mature follies. to make some perfect little embabies......

TVT

i never did thought vomit thursday before.....
i guess now is as good a time as any to give it a shot.

1. my friend "j" (who i work with) had a baby girl on monday. she was born early. and they haven't gotten to hold their precious baby girl yet. as she is being monitored in the NICU. i hope they get to hold their daughter very soon. and i hope she gets to go home with her mommy and daddy.... as soon as possible.

2. smug preggo's make me want to kill. there is one at my work who needs to get hit in the face..... with a brick.

3. i am so bloated.... my pants are tight. i feel like i have to pee basically every half hour. but when i pee, there is nothing there.

4. follies looked good today. left side: 2 18's and a 20. right side: 2 18's, 17, 19, and 2 12's

5. i triggered at 8:30 tonight. retrieval at 8:30 saturday morning (eastern standard time)

:-)

6. transfer on tuesday..... please please please lord give me three amazing embabies to put back!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!

7. bed rest tuesday, wednesday, and most of thursday. i am only ordered bed rest for 2 days.... but the 3rd day can't hurt much.

8. friday morning (next friday). we are going to the keys!! islamorada. just for a little change of scenery. we are staying at a cute little hotel that we love. the drop achor resort. just going to stay friday night and come home saturday...... i talked hubs into it. nothing better than living 2 hours from paradise.

9. please please please let 2012 give me a take home baby.

10. sorry about the keys thing..... i know most of you are in the middle of winter.... but i don't do winter.

etsy dreams.... and an update

i have been dreaming of these slippers for a while. i have the picture saved on my ipad... i look at them often. they look so perfect in the picture. i think i am a little afriad to order them. afraid they will not live up to my expectations. afraid they won't be as perfect as i imagine them to be.
but aren't they adorable!!!

now, for the update...

lining: 7.5 triple layer. (thank goodness)

left side: 19, 15, 13, 12
right side: 18, 17, 17, 15, 12

E2 in the 600's ....didn't get an exact number

moving right along.

ivf nurse said i definitely won't make it to monday. retrieval will be saturday or sunday. i am thinking probably sunday.(and hoping for sunday... more time for follies to grow and mature) but we go back tomorrow and i am sure we will know better after that ultrasound.

i am feeling pretty good.....the bloat has started to become real. but it is not terrible at all. and i am feeling super happy and excited.

a crazy question....and probably TMI..but i would love your opinions....
do you think 2.5 days is enough time between ejaculation before the big deposit on retrival day??? (this would be on the small chance that retrieval is on saturday) i would like to have sex before the endless pelvic rest begins.... what do you think?? safe or just don't do it?

monitoring update

several times i have mentioned, here and IRL, how large my file is getting at dr. d's office. i have told the nurses it's starting to get to phone book status.... way too big. they always insist there are much bigger files.... i haven't seen one though...i am always looking.
so this morning as nurse k was drawing my blood. my file fell of the wall. it pulled one of those file holder things straight off the wall!!!
it was CRAZY! i mean seriously... it's time to move on... it's time for my baby. my file is to big to hang on the damn wall!


finally... after 3 ivf's i got my hubs to write things down as they do the ultrasound during monitoring!!!! yay for hubs!!
(this is more for my records than anything....but read on if you are interested)

left side: 13, 13, 13, 12
right side: 14, 13, 12, 8
i didn't see the ultrasound screen so maybe there were some more little ones.... but yay!!! both sides are working!! great job ladies!

as i suspected.... my lining left a little to be desired at 3... maybe 4.
i was kind of upset until i went back through my blog and saw last time the lining was slow go but ended up just fine before retrieval. so, i am not going to stress about it at all.

E2 came back at 384. nurse k said things were good.

and i started gan.ire.lix today after the follow up phone call.

trigger will be friday night or saturday night..... i am thinking probably saturday night for a monday morning retrieval.....
GROW FOLLIES!! GROW!

missing our oatmeal raisin baby

oatmeat raisin baby..... that's what i called our baby when i was preggo after our FET last year. and today, as i was pulling into work after our monitoring appointment, i thought of our baby. i thought about how i would be having a baby any time now.... it would be about 2 weeks from my due date.
it's so funny how the universe works. because when i walked into work i found out that my coworker, J, who's wife was 2 weeks behind me was in labor. i was genuinely happy for J..... it's just so strange how things happen.

i miss our oatmeal raisin baby....

day 3 of stims

tomorrow we have our first ultrasound.... this first scan is always the scariest. i am praying for a good number of follies.... and a little nervous about my lining because, well, i am still bleeding. its just a little but... i need that lining!!!

please follies just grow.... a lot.

also, i have been listening to my circle + bloom.. i like it a lot. reminds me of the hypnosis i used to do what feels like a lifetime ago.

cycle start

i was nervous and excited all day today.

we had our appointment this morning. ultrasound was all clear. everything ready to go.
i am doing all the shots IM this time. that was a shock. the last 3 cycles i have done all shots sub-q. and the thought of menopur IM scared the living daylights out of me. it burns so bad.... so, it's going to burn going into my butt muscles..... not so exciting.

everything was fine though... hubs did the shot super fast and the burning only lasted a few seconds. i think hubs is secretly excited he gets to do all of my shots.

next friday i will be full of follies!!

this has to work.

CD1

af showed today. not evil, bitchy, raging Af. just a nice calm version of her. i was wicked suprised she showed at all. usually after bcp she is a no show.
so tomorrow is the day.

stim start

(as long as nothing crazy happens.... i am praying for no cysts)
it's funny how it always feels like the first day of school. those anxious type butterflies.
please god....let it be my turn.
please let this work

we went out for sushi and a little bit of sake. my last sushi and alcohol for hopefully a very long time. we came home and signed the consent forms. i packed my meds so i can inject in the bathroom at work tomorrow (fun). we are ready.

please let it be my turn..... please let this work

circle + bloom

have you heard of it?

have you used it?

do you believe in the mind/body connection?

what do you think about it?

do you like it???

if you don't know what i'm talking about here is a link.....circle + bloom

i just bought it. and it's downloading right now.
i think i might love it.

holy fertility meds batman!!

i usually don't post pictures of meds..... but wow!!!! this is a lot of meds.

it came in 3 boxes. when i checked the tracking info it said 3 boxes and 16 pounds. ok.......



and then i opened the boxes..... ummmmm that's a lot of shit.
we are going to make some babies with these babies......

catching up

today is the first day i have relaxed and done nothing in maybe a month..... it was perfect. i sat on the couch all day.... from 9:30 until 4 o'clock..... and i enjoyed every minute of it.

the last few weeks have been crazy, busy, and hectic. first off the week before and the week after christmas are INSANE at work. i work in a restaurant, in a upscale snobby mall. non-stop busy at work has made me exhausted.

and then

the holidays. whenever christmas and chanukkah fall in the same week it kills me. and on top of that there was shopping, cooking, entertaining, partIes, gift wrapping, my brother in town, and my dad and his wife in town (i haven't seen my dad or brother since last christmas)

also

dh went away for an annual trip in chicago.... always the week before christmas.... real helpful. after chicago he had to detour to houston for a funeral.....(very unexpected and very sad)

and

my mom is having some health issues

and

bff is preggo

and

af showed her evil face on christmas day..... and brought brutal, horrendous cramping and awful pain.... and tears (just because).

and

my house is a disaster as i decided to add the the crazy and throw a NYE party

:-)

so..... today was for me. it was perfect. i sat on the couch and netfix'd "breakng bad". i watched the entire first season.
i returned some gifts to bed bath and beyond and got an awesome new omlette pan, for my random egg cravings...
and now i am babysitting the love of my life.... my nephew bubba.(he is 2, and no his name isn't really bubba) as i put him to bed i gave him a kiss and told him i loved him..... he said, "i love you too anut jes, happy new year". it was the freaking cutest thing ever.

as for the baby making..... started the evil BCP on the 28th. all meds are ordered and will arrive tomorrow. i scheduled some time off at work.... taking off starting the 21st and will have at least 10 days off.....YAY!!
tomorrow i am going to try and schedule a fertility massage. meds to start on the 13th.

tonight before bff left to go to dinner i asked my nephew bubba if him mom was having a baby..... he smiled and rubbed my belly and said,"baby"..... i said, "not yet bubba..... but soon."
he smiled back.

this has to work.

2012

make my dreams come true.....


take home baby in 2012.



that's it.