sock it to me

i found a new blog.

well, not so much found a blog, as it was shown to me. Jem, at Ambition:Motherhood blogged about her finding.
And she is right.
the smartness is pretty freaking smart :)

and she is doing this thing......

i think it's awesome!!! stop by and check it out!!!

I AM WICKED EXCITED!!!!

i hope you all participate!

cysts

two giant cysts.

one 42 mm one 38 mm. both on the right ovary.

they took blood, follow up ultrasound next week. if they are smaller, good. will proceed with ivf #3. if they stay the same size, or get bigger we will have them aspirated. it sounds painful.....hopefully it's no big deal.

bottom line..... ivf #3. still on! this will not slow us down! thank the lord!

other good news.... my ute looked BEAUTIFUL! as soon as the wand was in i could tell. maybe in a previous life i was an ultrasound tech, because even i could tell that it looked damn good! no tissue left over. she is ready for some beautiful embabies to find a nice home. :-)

blood work

when i have blood taken the nurses always make fun of me. because i hate having tape or a bandaid put on after the blood draw. i always tell them, no thanks..... usually there is some smart ass comment about it..... i don't care.... we have fun. i am glad that i have that kind of relationship, where they know they can make fun of me, and i won't get upset...... but at the same time, they are making fun of me. and the bottom line is, i have really sensitive skin.... it leaves a crazy mark.

friday, i luckily remembered before work that i had to do day 3 blood work..... (day 2 since it was friday) so i ran to the lab. of course i was wearing a white sweater, and of course they took forever to call me back, so i had them put the tape on, as i didn't want to bleed all over my white sweater and i was late for work. when i finally got a chance to take the tape off. this is what happened..........



it looks crazy!! (you can see my cute little puppy in this picture too... love him)

can't believe it

i woke up yesterday feeling better than i have felt in weeks. it was nice. i wasn't bloated. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sad or uncomfortable. i was good.
i didn't really think anything about it.....until around 2 o'clock, when i went to the bathroom. there she was......AF!

i was shocked! i was at BF's house and she heard me in the bathroom talking to myself because i was so shocked.... i didn't expect AF for a while.... if at all. usually after treatments it takes FOREVER to get a period. i was expecting to call next week to get some provera, but there she was. i could have paid attention to all the signs.....clearly i had PMS.....i was such a bitch the last couple days. the bloat went away. and i look like a teenager with the breakout i got.

isn't it funny how IF makes you want to call everyone you know when AF comes....
it's really the strangest thing.....i was so excited i could have posted it on my FB wall.....clearly, i didn't.
BF already knew, so i had to call DH.....not sure why, but i felt like i should tell him. and i called dr. d's office.
the nurse was so excited!
i am to start BCP tomorrow....CD3. and we go in tuesday for ultrasound and cycle planning.
we are doing antagonist protocol (ganirelix)..... so i went back and looked at what my last cycle looked like.
30 days after i started BCP we had retrieval.....
It's crazy! i was not expecting that! but i'm wicked excited about it.....
ready to get this show on the road

3rd times a charm.......i hope

ivf nurse called this morning.... all in a tizzy. she was back from 2 weeks vacation, and catching up on everything that happened while she was gone. she got the ball rolling for ivf #3.
- bloodwork for DH
- day 3 bloodwork and thyroid pannel (i asked for this to be included) for me
- bcp rx called in
- meds will be ordered tomorrow
- i am to call when AF shows up. if she doesn't show by wednesday next week they will order provera to get the show on the road.
- i was given oreders to not leave south florida in late august and all of september

i am ready!
well, i would like to loose a few pounds, but other than that i am ready to move forward.
hopefully AF will help me loose a few pounds, the bloat is pretty bad.

this is gonna be the one.

25 and done

had beta on thursday ..... it came back at 25. a nurse called today as i was walking into work, to say they don't think i need another beta.... i'm done.

i'm sad. i was sad all day.

i am to call dr. d's office when AF comes.

back to the drawing board

i feel like so much is going on and at the same time nothing is going on.... there are too many thoughts so i think this will have to be bullet points.

* I never spoke to "J" he has only brought up his wifes pregnancy once, and it was weird. i think he is scared shitless, and quite frankly, i don't want to scare him anymore with horror stories of miscarriage and sadness. if i have to address it i will, but for now, i am just going to leave it alone.

* we had tissue from my D & C sent to a lab to test for chromosomal abnormalities. everything came back normal. dr. d was pleased with this result, but also seemed a little frustrated. also with that testing, they determined the sex. luckily, dr. d asked if we wanted to know. the answer was "NO" i just didn't think it was a smart idea. i think it would have made me sad all over again. and sad in a new a different way. i keep thinking about it...... i think about calling to find out. but i won't do it.

* beta on friday was 146...... they think i will only need one more beta. i am going tomorrow.

* i gained 7 pounds from the start of stims for the FET. but for some reason, i feel like i gained 20. all of my pants are so tight....it's killing me. there is no way that 7 pounds should do this..... i was falling out of my fat clothes when we started.

* dh and started working out. we are doing the couch to 5 k program. i think people who run are strange, so far it sucks, but i keep doing it. i have to loos those 7 pounds and all the extra bloat that is going on here..... it's disgusting!!

* i am hoping AF shows up sooner than later.... it may help with the bloat.

* i am taking a break from acupuncture. i will start again probably in august. i just stopped going. they don't even know what happened.....

* dh and i have decided to stay with dr. d moving forward. there was always a chance we would go elsewhere after this FET, but they have treated us so well, and they know us, and we know them.

* as soon as AF arrives we will have a better time table, but it looks like we will be doing a fresh cycle sometime in september.
dr. d says he wants to shoot for a day 5 transfer since all our embryo's were so great last time....which i am super happy about, and they are putting together an order for my meds.
hopefully AF gets her ass in gear and shows up soon..... dh's little sister is getting married at the end of october and it will be the wedding of the year.... the royal wedding take two. i don't want things to interfere with that :)

* i want to smoke cigarettes. i know..... it's awful and disgusting. i have been a non-smoker for 2 and a half years.... the past couple weeks have been a test. it has definitely been hard. and i know that smoking is no good. no good at all. but, i really want to.

* i have some new followers!!! welcome!! thanks for joining!! it's awesome!

* i have to say thank you..... thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. it has kept me going the last couple weeks. i just don't know how to show my gratitude for all the love... and a special thanks to gurlee and mrs. d for sending out love the way that you did!!

i wanted a perfect ending.  but now i've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  delicious ambiguity.   -gilda radner

timeline of torture

thursday june 16: ultrasound showing 1 gestational sac, nothing else visible.

sunday june 18: fathers day. a day i was hoping to celebrate. a day spent with family. silently fearful.

monday june 20: coworker, j, comes to work telling people his wife POAS stick on saturday......they got two BFP. coworker did not tell me, but i overheard him telling other people at work. was happy for him. they started trying in april.

wednesday june 22: my ultrasound revealing empty gestational sac. very sad day.

friday june 24: again overheard j talking to a coworker. he was telling someone they had an ultrasound that morning and had seen the sac. made me kind of sad. a little jealous. a little later that same day i got a phone call from my IVF pharmacy, confirming the shipment of my rhogam shot. i was done. i went and hid. and cried. the rhogam shot for some reason made it real to me. i had lost the pregnancy.

saturday june 25: people at work talking about j and his wife's pregnancy. bleck!

monday june 26: pre-op dr visit. lots of talk about moving forward with future ivf. i had to work after the appointment. i was destroyed. "j" was talking to me about "when they have a baby" (he had not officially shared the news with me and i did everything possible to keep him from telling me, i was conveniently busy, each time he tried to talk to me) while at work. i suffered through the conversation, barely. also, suffered through the day. it was hard. at home after work dh and i got in an argument, about nothing. then i showered and had a cleansing cry......i got the worst sadness out, i hope.

tuesday june 28: D & C. pregnancy gone at 8 weeks 6 days.

thursday june 30: rejoined the living world after two full days at home in bed. worked, was complimented by corporate muckety-muck. had a great day.

friday july 1: full day back at work. when "j" arrived at work he told me. "we saw a heartbeat today jes.".
i was DESTROYED. immediately there was a lump in my throat, i was shaking and sweating. it was the worst thing i could have heard.....i was not prepared. i calmly, unable to look at "j" said, "congrats, thats awesome.". and then i ran away.
i had to hide for quite a while. i had to tell my boss i needed a minute.
i sobbed. i was so upset that i knew i just needed to cry it out. i knew i couldn't hold it in. it took me about a half an hour to pull myself together. but i don't think anyone knew about it. thank god.


i think i have to say something. i just don't think i can handle pregnancy updates. i think that "j"'s good news might be difficult for quite a while. and i don't want to be an emotional wreck every time "j" mentions something to me, or for that matter tries to speak to me at all.

so... i'm trying to work this out. figure out how to tell "j" (someone who i really like, and have known for 10+ years) about my loss, about my needs, without being a complete psycho. and without hurting his feelings or scaring him to death. and also ensuring everyone else at my work doesn't find out about it.