a happier me

i have been thinking so much lately about the last year and a half..... about everything. it's crazy. (sorry if this post is all over the place, but so many things to say :D)

at the beginning of 2011 i just prayed that it be better than 2010, and so far, it's been perfect as compared to 2010.

i mean really.... in feb 2010, DH's mom died. BAD!! (they weren't close at all. but still it was a really bad start)

in march 2010, my SIL, who i truly love like a real sister, had a massive stroke. REALLY BAD!! (thank the lord she is doing AMAZING!! we are so blessed to have her in our lives)

in between both awful experiences we had 2 IUI's and two BFN's.

basically 2010 didn't have a chance after that. i mean really. it was just all downhill from there.

so far 2011.....PERFECT!! i am feeling so great!!
i really think that acupuncture has done wonders for me! the weight loss is also not a bad thing :D

since i started acupuncture, i have noticed several changes.

1. less headaches. i am one who has headaches everyday...but since we started seeing the acupuncture ladies i have had 2. one after drinking all afternoon (st. patty's day parade) and one on the first day of AF

2. AF changes~~~ TMI ALERT~~~
no clots at all this month, and no spotting before AF came.
acupuncture lady, the cute pregnant eastern european one, was so excited to hear the news about changes to AF.

3. this one is big!! since the initial meeting with acupuncture lady (the head doctor), i don't hate preggos anymore. it's crazy how one single conversation could change the way i feel. really, 5 weeks ago i could not stand the sight of preggo's or women with new babies. and since that conversation, i am so different. i speak to preggo's, congratulate them, and am truly excited to see them once the babies are born!! isn't it amazing how one person can give you their persperctive and completely change the way you feel in one tiny conversation.....

4. calmness. i feel this overwhelming sense of calmness. i just feel better.



i had an interesting conversation with a co-worker today....
"S" is a woman i work with, usually twice a week. she is an older woman, late 50's i believe. a very religious woman....very health conscious... and really just a good person. she asked me today if DH and i plan to have children. i responded with my standard shoulder shrug, "one day."

she said, "i see the way you love children, and i have been praying for you, that you have a baby of your own."

(sigh)

and then she said that she has been praying for me for a while, but recently it dawned on her, maybe i don't want children. she decided it was best to ask me if i did want kids because "she didn't want to pray for me to have a baby if i didn't want one" it was so cute and made me smile.... i said, "Thank you so much, and please do continue to pray for me."

she promised she would.


i can't believe our break is almost over.... 6 months without ANY fertility treatments, 6 months of no doctors, 6 months of working on me, 6 months to find the happiness i used to have. in october 6 months felt like a lifetime..... and now it feels like it went by in a flash.
i realize now that infertility has changed me forever, but i don't believe it is all bad. infertility has taught me just how much fight i have.... and for real, i have got a lot of fight in me. i am ready to fight, and i am ready to make a baby, and i am ready for all that this ride has to throw at me....


in 3 days we are taking a trip to the florida keys, we live two and a half hours from paradise, and i fully intend to enjoy every minute of it.

in 7 days our break is officially over. back to the doctor's we go.

in 16 days i start Lupron

and in 51 days we will transfer two beautiful 5 day old blasts.

i am so ready!!!

FET

So..... on tuesday i called Dr.d's office. the girl who answers the phone and schedules appointments "C" was sooo excited we were coming back. she made me feel so good, said we were her favorite patients, and she was so happy to see our faces again!! {love her}

i asked her to have the office manager give me a call, as my ins. doesn't kick in until April 1, but AF should be here around the 26th. "E" called me yesterday and said Dr. D was going to be out of town April 1-the 13th and she thought it would be better to get me in, so that we could get things rolling asap, and then we don't have to wait for dr.d to get back to plan the cycle. so, we went this morning!!! :D

FET is SCHEDULED!!! wow!! i can't believe it!!

i start lupron april 15, and transfer is scheduled for May 20th!!

Dr. D said the embryos are beautiful, high quality, and partially hatched. and they have a very high success rate for thawing, so we will without a doubt have 1 embryo, but hopefully both will survive the thaw.....(my biggest concern) i don't have to take birth control, which i am ecstatic about...
Dr. D also said we seem to be much calmer than we have been in the past... he was so happy to hear we had taken a break and worried about getting ourselves back in a good place.... he was also happy to hear about the acupuncture.

and here is something crazy. last year for our fresh cycle, the transfer day was May 21....

i am so excited and ready!!

cd 22 and acupuncture question

(i have to say, i LOVE when AF starts on the first of the month!! it's so easy to figure out what cd it is! :D)

went to acupuncture today.... i am really enjoying it!!

a question though for those of you also doing acupuncture: as i lay there, it seems really easy for me to relax, as soon as i start to fall asleep, my mind wakes me up and then i have to go through the whole relaxation process again, but the second time it is harder to relax.... any relaxation or meditation techniques anyone can share with me??

after acupuncture i came home and did a moxa treatment.... currently i smell like a campfire... not really a fan of the smell but whatever. if it is good for me, i will do it.

today my boobs began to hurt, always a strong sign that AF is on the way.... i am also so bloated today. i feel so full and uncomfortable. (strange, because not normally a symptom for me)

also today i called our RE's office. the girl who answers the phone and schedules appointments was so excited to i called. and when i told her i was calling because we want to come back for an FET she was ecstatic!! she said dh and i were her favorite patients and couldn't wait to see us in the office again! (made me feel so good). now just waiting for the business manager to call back so we can work out specifics :D

getting so excited to be back in the saddle!!

March ICLW

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you!! for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. i am currently at the tail end of a much needed 6 month break from TTC.

5. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

6. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated

myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was basically miserable.

7. in the last 6 months i have found myself again. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i have lost 23 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself. i am excited to get back on the TTC horse (more than a horse, a bucking bronco)

8. i have 2 beautiful frozen embabies waiting patiently for a gorgeous, plush, triple layer lining.

9. i just started seeing an acupuncturist and traditional chinese medicine doctor. she thinks i have MAJOR issues with my yang, and we are currently working to find yin and yang balance.

10. we will go back to the RE in the beginning of april for an FET! i can't wait!! (waiting for health benefits to kick in)

11. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean more to me than many relationships i have in real life. i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

who should we be hanging out with??

DH and i live in a cute little neighborhood. 53 houses, everyone knows everyone. and everyone knows everyones business. there are several desperate houswives, who let you know the gossip of the week.... some couples with kids, some without. many of the couples on our street hang out at our next door neighbors house. we have hung out with them a few times, they usually just have improptu get together filled with heavy drinking. DH has hung out more times than me, for a couple reasons...1. i don't drink that often and 2. i work crazy hours.

so saturday night they were all next door when we took the dog out back.....they asked us to come over.

i sat to chat with a fellow infertile. (i mentioned our struggles to her once because i had an inkling they were in the same boat, she told me all about it right away, she has an auto-immune that has prevented them from having kids) she asked how things were going.... i told her we have been on a break for such a long time and i am ready to get started again, but we are going to wait a little bit longer..... i don't want to share too much with people i have outed myself to.
she started to talk about people she knows who have tried so hard and spent so much money, only to be disappointed with no hope of a baby in their future. she said to me, "i just don't want you guys to go through all the pain and struggle and end up with nothing to show for it next year."

i could not imagine...... really! i told her we were in it for the long haul....
i told her i am only 32, and as i see it, i have so much time to make this work. (she and her husband decided after her auto-immune Dx to not try at all) i also told her that i truly believe that the things you want to most in life are the hardest things to get, and we have to be willing to fight for what we want.

i mean, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and clearly ours are different..... then i told her we had just started seeing an acupuncturist..... she asked who. as i was saying acupuncture lady's name, she cut me off and said, "Hate Her!" she said, "i would tell my best freind to find someone else." she told me about her experience, which was completely different from mine, and then said she felt like acupuncture lady is just in it for the money.....

bleck

i can't stand the debbie downer's in this world. first she basically told us not to try, and then tried to make me feel terrible about my decision in acupunctuist. there is a part of me that appreciates the feedback.... something to watch for, but at the same time, don't be so nasty.
i am really in a positive place right now. i have worked hard to feel better about myself and the shitty hand we have been dealt. i am truly ready to fight for what i want, but it's hard to not let those debbie downer's get to you sometimes.

after i went home, i thought a little more about what she said, and the other people we were hanging out with. a group of people without children. all for various reasons. i decided that these are not the best people to surround myself with. acupuncture lady made an impact. i think i might rather hang out with preggo's than people who are living their lives without children...... at least then i am sending the right messages into the universe.

meeting acupuncture lady

for a few weeks now i have been really thinking hard about acupuncture and traditional chinese medicine. i have been doing research, and looking at doctors in the area.

i ended up deciding on the practice i chose because of a referral from our second RE, Dr. Mumbles. i chose a practice of 4 traditional chinese medicine doctors. 95% of their business is fertility patients. as i looked at the website i decided this was without a doubt the route i wanted to try. (it also didn't hurt that i had a voucher for complimentary consultation :D)

so i spoke to DH. he said ok, we could check it out. (i think non-traditional doctors visits are not really his thing) i had to wait a couple weeks to make an appt. as DH has been traveling a lot with work. which was good, i think. i gave me time to consider everything.

so off we went.

i was expecting most of what we got..... it did get a little intense. DH was not expecting what we got. (he was very overwhelmed)

acupuncture lady is very real. there is no sugar coating things around her, and immediately i liked this about her. she asked some hard questions while she was getting to know us. she learned a lot. i think we learned a lot too.

she asked how i feel about our RE..... as soon as she asked the question, i realized, this lady has the inside track on all the RE'S and OBGYN's in the area. i liked how she listened, and i liked how she spoke about the doctors i have been to. she was surprised to hear about an awful experience i had with one of the nurses at Dr. D's office, and asked me to call Dr. D to clear things up so that when we do go back for the FET, our experience is nothing but peaceful and happy. i liked that she insisted on making the phone call, although i haven't gotten up the guts to call yet.

she also insisted that i make a call to my hypnotherapist. to clear the air with her. as i feel that she has broken my trust. a phone call i will be making tomorrow.

she wanted to know about our diagnosis. RE #1 said "cervical stenosis", RE #2 said "unexplained"...... as we talked, it made me think we had been going about things all wrong. we never really talked about a diagnosis..... we just pushed forward..... trying to use up the insurance benefits as we would not have them for long. i mean, that's not the way you make a baby. it's bad enough we aren't making a baby the traditional way, worse, we made it about money. no wonder it didn't happen!!

acupuncture lady kept saying we are "calling forth life" she asked when the last time i was around a newborn was. she asked because there is something so peaceful and angelic about a newborn, and this is a life that we are trying to create. she asked if i thought a new life would want to be brought into a place where there are hard feelings and resentment. she asked how i feel about pregnant women, and i told her the truth. i told her that i avoid situations with pregnant women, because i feel "bleck" around them. again, hard feelings and resentment.

it made so much sense! i think by just saying that to me, she changed my perspective. i have even had conversations with a few preggo ladies since then.

after we spoke for a while acupuncture lady explained the process. the first four sessions are diagnostic. she explained they will be looking at my tongue, feeling my pulses, looking over my history and also doing some acupuncture. after the four sessions we will have a re-evaluation, and discuss the suggested treatment.

i have done two sessions so far. one after our consultation, and one on saturday morning. the first time was strange. the needles didn't hurt, it was just weird. i also had a really hard time relaxing. after she put the needles in, i was to lay in the room for 25 minutes to relax. as soon as she left the room it sounded as it they were moving furniture around the office, very distracting. the second treatment was much easier. it was done by one of the other doctors in the practice. a very pregnant eastern european woman (i don't remember her name). she was so calm and peaceful, i couldn't help but love everything about her. as she left the room it seemed like she was a bit concerned about my ability to relax. ( little does she know i can generally sleep on command.) i listened to the music and dreamt of our child. i thought about my ovaries and the follicles releasing an egg, and fertilization. i got a little emotional as i visualized our child being created within my body..... it felt so amazing!! as the music continued i continued to relax..... i think i might have fallen asleep. as the doctor walked into the room she said "Great Job!!" she was impressed with my ability to relax! :D

it has been so much to process.... i have sat down to write this post more times than i would like to say, but i just wasn't getting the right things out. my head has been spinning!! acupuncture lady has given me so much to think about, and also a truly new perspective.

i am looking forward to my treatment tomorrow, and so excited for the re-evaluation on thursday.

acupuncture

i wish i had asked earlier so i would be prepared. anyways, this afternoon DH and i are meeting with an acupuncturist and TCM doctor.

any advice on what to look for, or any questions i should be asking???

i trust you ladies.... any help is appreciated!!

Surfing the crimson wave

She's here... and man she is a bitch!

Bloating, cravings, cramping......

No miracle this month. It's ok though, because my miracle is coming.