Or should I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!
2010 was..... Craptastic.
I had this big post planned about all the things that happened in 2010. all the garbage, all the shots, wandings, visits to the doctor, death and destruction.
but really, i just don't want to dwell on bad stuff.
2011 is finally here. i am ready. i am excited. and i am moving forward. 2011 will be better. it will be great!!
so to you, all my blog sister i say "thanks" thanks for being there. holding my hand, and sharing your stories. i don't think i would have made it without you.
and also, i'm not speaking to you til next year!! ;D
Friday, December 31, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
hope
i don't think it is possible to completely erase TTC from my brain. i mean really we have been doing it for so long that it happens to just be part of the routine.
i get alerts regarding my cycle via mymonthlycycles.com. they email me when i am about to ovulate, and also when AF is on her way. i have been using this website to track AF for ever..... before we got married i started using it to make sure i didn't get knocked up (if i only knew).
also, to say we are not trying is not completely true. i mean we aren't taking any precautions.
i think it would be crazy to not at least do what we can.
so i get the email about ovulation, which after 47 cycles is usually pretty close to accurate, and then we do our part :) i know this is not an exact...... i am not using opk's. i am not tracking my temp. i am not doing anything that would actually confirm an ovulation, but really, by this point i kinda know what my body is telling me....
and then i sort of forget about it. until around CD 24.
today is CD 26. i got an email this morning saying that AF should be showing her head tomorrow. (also, usually pretty accurate, when my body is not pumped full of fertility drugs)
i don't know if she is coming..... i have felt a little crampy. there is just a little part of me that is worried i haven't been taking a prenatal and i have had a couple drinks this week. a little shred of hope that would love to surprise DH when he gets home from Chicago on saturday with a miracle positive.
i know there isn't much of a chance...... but i can't not hope.
i get alerts regarding my cycle via mymonthlycycles.com. they email me when i am about to ovulate, and also when AF is on her way. i have been using this website to track AF for ever..... before we got married i started using it to make sure i didn't get knocked up (if i only knew).
also, to say we are not trying is not completely true. i mean we aren't taking any precautions.
i think it would be crazy to not at least do what we can.
so i get the email about ovulation, which after 47 cycles is usually pretty close to accurate, and then we do our part :) i know this is not an exact...... i am not using opk's. i am not tracking my temp. i am not doing anything that would actually confirm an ovulation, but really, by this point i kinda know what my body is telling me....
and then i sort of forget about it. until around CD 24.
today is CD 26. i got an email this morning saying that AF should be showing her head tomorrow. (also, usually pretty accurate, when my body is not pumped full of fertility drugs)
i don't know if she is coming..... i have felt a little crampy. there is just a little part of me that is worried i haven't been taking a prenatal and i have had a couple drinks this week. a little shred of hope that would love to surprise DH when he gets home from Chicago on saturday with a miracle positive.
i know there isn't much of a chance...... but i can't not hope.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
100th post
I have thought a lot about this post, and what I would say..... I had so many ideas, so many memories. But today, as i sat down to write this post i changed my mind. i didn't want to contemplate the last year, the last 99 blog posts, i wanted to celebrate!
I found this quote:
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” - Buddha
today, right now, i am so happy i did this.... i started this blog because my husband urged and thought it would be good for me. i have kept going because it is good for me. my blog friends are good for me.
So to you.... you who are reading now. whether this is the first time you have read my blog or the 100th time, Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, cheering me on, and most of all.... sharing your stories.
with love,
jes
I found this quote:
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” - Buddha
today, right now, i am so happy i did this.... i started this blog because my husband urged and thought it would be good for me. i have kept going because it is good for me. my blog friends are good for me.
So to you.... you who are reading now. whether this is the first time you have read my blog or the 100th time, Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, cheering me on, and most of all.... sharing your stories.
with love,
jes
Sunday, December 5, 2010
doing what i can
i am determined to not let the holiday's get to me....
hanukkah is almost over, and christmas is close.
i have decided no christmas decorations this year. i have done this before, and it keeps me from going insane. it's just less work. when we are not hosting christmas at our house, i see no reason why i must decorate. so that's awesome.
also, i am not sending out holiday cards..... this is not something i have ever done, but really, i'm just not into it this year. i always send a picture, and this years fertility treatments have taken their toll on my body, not really feeling up to sending out a fat picture (sorry, i know, i am vain)
yesterday i went to a cookie swap... it was a small group, nothing out of control, but i was a little nervous about baby questions..... everything was fine, i drank too much, and didn't have to answer any obnoxious questions!! yay! good times. i also dropped off cookies at the fire station by my house.... i wanted nothing to do with all those cookies in my house!! they were stoked!! and it felt good to do something nice!
i am looking forward to saying good riddance to 2010... what a shitty year.
2011 has got to be better than this!!
hanukkah is almost over, and christmas is close.
i have decided no christmas decorations this year. i have done this before, and it keeps me from going insane. it's just less work. when we are not hosting christmas at our house, i see no reason why i must decorate. so that's awesome.
also, i am not sending out holiday cards..... this is not something i have ever done, but really, i'm just not into it this year. i always send a picture, and this years fertility treatments have taken their toll on my body, not really feeling up to sending out a fat picture (sorry, i know, i am vain)
yesterday i went to a cookie swap... it was a small group, nothing out of control, but i was a little nervous about baby questions..... everything was fine, i drank too much, and didn't have to answer any obnoxious questions!! yay! good times. i also dropped off cookies at the fire station by my house.... i wanted nothing to do with all those cookies in my house!! they were stoked!! and it felt good to do something nice!
i am looking forward to saying good riddance to 2010... what a shitty year.
2011 has got to be better than this!!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
a rock and a hard place
i am conflicted..... i am not sure what the right thing to do.
i spoke with DH about this last night, and he was no help.......
ok, so here's the situation.
i have 2 jobs.....
job #1 i started in july of 2009..... DH and I were starting to get frustrated with the TTC efforts, i had just started to make some changes to be healthier. for example not drinking, no caffeine....
now in the restaurant business you work with a lot of people who party, and they party HARD. so basically, i don't really hang out with anyone from this job because they love to party, and i was trying to get knocked up..... it's ok, not the end of the world.
now i have job #2..... some of these people i have worked with on and off for 10 years..... some of these people i have partied my ass of with. i mean i spent the first half of my twenty's getting fucked up with some of these people. yes we are all older and wiser, but still, they knew me in what seems to be another life.
also, as i grew professionally, i became a boss to many of these people, so there is another group within this restaurant who don't know me as the fun, have a good time jessica, but i would love to hang out with every once in a while.
so now, as i am back in an hourly position, i am torn..... torn because of IF. it kills me.
because we are on a break, i am ready to have a little fun, let my hair down..... i am allowed to hang out with whomever i want, and they want to hang out. ( as a manager, i was not allowed to hang out with my employees)
but what happens when our break ends..... what happens when i go back to being the hormonal, self-injecting, hermit-like, well behaved, symptom chasing jessica.
my friends, the people i have known forever. the people i love and trust know about the IF. i DO NOT want people i work with to know about our struggle. i do not want to lie about why i can't go have a drink after work, i do not want them speculating as to my pregnancy status, i want nothing to do with it. so what do i do?
i feel stuck.
i would so love to go have a drink and have some fun after work, but at the same time, i don't want to have to explain myself when i am unable to cut loose and have fun anymore. Dh said i was being anti-social.
IF makes me feel lonely in so many ways.
i spoke with DH about this last night, and he was no help.......
ok, so here's the situation.
i have 2 jobs.....
job #1 i started in july of 2009..... DH and I were starting to get frustrated with the TTC efforts, i had just started to make some changes to be healthier. for example not drinking, no caffeine....
now in the restaurant business you work with a lot of people who party, and they party HARD. so basically, i don't really hang out with anyone from this job because they love to party, and i was trying to get knocked up..... it's ok, not the end of the world.
now i have job #2..... some of these people i have worked with on and off for 10 years..... some of these people i have partied my ass of with. i mean i spent the first half of my twenty's getting fucked up with some of these people. yes we are all older and wiser, but still, they knew me in what seems to be another life.
also, as i grew professionally, i became a boss to many of these people, so there is another group within this restaurant who don't know me as the fun, have a good time jessica, but i would love to hang out with every once in a while.
so now, as i am back in an hourly position, i am torn..... torn because of IF. it kills me.
because we are on a break, i am ready to have a little fun, let my hair down..... i am allowed to hang out with whomever i want, and they want to hang out. ( as a manager, i was not allowed to hang out with my employees)
but what happens when our break ends..... what happens when i go back to being the hormonal, self-injecting, hermit-like, well behaved, symptom chasing jessica.
my friends, the people i have known forever. the people i love and trust know about the IF. i DO NOT want people i work with to know about our struggle. i do not want to lie about why i can't go have a drink after work, i do not want them speculating as to my pregnancy status, i want nothing to do with it. so what do i do?
i feel stuck.
i would so love to go have a drink and have some fun after work, but at the same time, i don't want to have to explain myself when i am unable to cut loose and have fun anymore. Dh said i was being anti-social.
IF makes me feel lonely in so many ways.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
happy belated thanksgiving!
so, i've been a very bad blogger!!
ICLW..... i totally screwed that up! i haven't been near my blog since monday, and for that i am truly sorry! for those of you who have joined me, Thanks!! and Welcome!! i know i have missed out on some awesome blogs....i hope to catch up!
for those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!!
DH and I have adopted Thanksgiving. It is officially our holiday. We have let everyone know, and for the last 3 years, Thanksgiving is at our house. Whether there are 2 people or 25 people, we will be cooking for turkey day! i mean really, i think the food snobs should always host holiday's which revolve around food. and yes, we are without a doubt food snobs :D
we started cooking on wednesday.... and man was it worth it!!
we split up the cooking because we don't work well together in the kitchen.
I made a brined and roasted turkey (the best turkey I ever ate, and the first I have ever made), green bean casserole, butternut squash, candied yams, cranberry sauce, a pumpkin pie, and a caramel apple upside down cake. Yum!
DH made a deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing, sausage and potato bread stuffing, and mac and cheese.
Everything was delicious. We had my mom and brother over, as well as my BF with her husband and their son. A few people dropped by after dinner to take some leftovers home and hang out a bit. I drank mimosa's all day and had a blast cooking and hanging out with some of my favorite people. I was passed out (and i am sure i was drooling on myself) by 6:30.
all in all an awesome thanksgiving.
i am so grateful for the people in my life, and my passion for cooking and feeding people!
i have been dreaming of a new television. it is necessary. so late on thursday evening DH and I decided we were not at all interested in the mayhem of Black Friday, the 4am shopping. this is something i have never done, and frankly, not something i ever want to do.
so we looked online and found what I think was a great deal, and we were snug in our beds at 4 am!!
we did it!! YAY!! A new T.V.!!
A 46'' Panasonic Plasma for $500!!
I can't wait for it to get here..... we have to wait til thursday. It's kind of nice though, because Hanukkah starts on wednesday. (DH is jewish)
Then friday morning my mom called, she wanted me to show her a painting i have been in love with for about a year..... and to see if it was on sale. we ll it was!! and i got my christmas gift early!! here is a photo......
i love it! every time i look at it i like it more!! and it makes me smile! :D
ICLW..... i totally screwed that up! i haven't been near my blog since monday, and for that i am truly sorry! for those of you who have joined me, Thanks!! and Welcome!! i know i have missed out on some awesome blogs....i hope to catch up!
for those of you in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving!!
DH and I have adopted Thanksgiving. It is officially our holiday. We have let everyone know, and for the last 3 years, Thanksgiving is at our house. Whether there are 2 people or 25 people, we will be cooking for turkey day! i mean really, i think the food snobs should always host holiday's which revolve around food. and yes, we are without a doubt food snobs :D
we started cooking on wednesday.... and man was it worth it!!
we split up the cooking because we don't work well together in the kitchen.
I made a brined and roasted turkey (the best turkey I ever ate, and the first I have ever made), green bean casserole, butternut squash, candied yams, cranberry sauce, a pumpkin pie, and a caramel apple upside down cake. Yum!
DH made a deep fried turkey, cornbread stuffing, sausage and potato bread stuffing, and mac and cheese.
Everything was delicious. We had my mom and brother over, as well as my BF with her husband and their son. A few people dropped by after dinner to take some leftovers home and hang out a bit. I drank mimosa's all day and had a blast cooking and hanging out with some of my favorite people. I was passed out (and i am sure i was drooling on myself) by 6:30.
all in all an awesome thanksgiving.
i am so grateful for the people in my life, and my passion for cooking and feeding people!
i have been dreaming of a new television. it is necessary. so late on thursday evening DH and I decided we were not at all interested in the mayhem of Black Friday, the 4am shopping. this is something i have never done, and frankly, not something i ever want to do.
so we looked online and found what I think was a great deal, and we were snug in our beds at 4 am!!
we did it!! YAY!! A new T.V.!!
A 46'' Panasonic Plasma for $500!!
I can't wait for it to get here..... we have to wait til thursday. It's kind of nice though, because Hanukkah starts on wednesday. (DH is jewish)
Then friday morning my mom called, she wanted me to show her a painting i have been in love with for about a year..... and to see if it was on sale. we ll it was!! and i got my christmas gift early!! here is a photo......
i love it! every time i look at it i like it more!! and it makes me smile! :DSunday, November 21, 2010
Welcome November ICLW!
Hello!! Thanks for stopping by!
I love visitors!!
So here's the story.....
Me: 31. Dx: Doctor #1 = Cervical Stenosis Doctor #2 = Unexplained. Either way, i don't really care what the diagnosis is.... would just like to get off this ride. started TTC January 2009. started seeing an RE January 2010. 2 IUI's = BFN, IVF #1 = chemical, treated as an ectopic, IVF #2 = Canceled. Right now we are on a break. partially because we are waiting for insurance benefits to kick in, but mostly so i don't rip each and every hair out of my head. i needed a mental health break :D We have 2 day five beautiful and perfect blasts on ice, just need some time to get back to me.
DH: 32. No Issues. Amazing. Supportive. Perfect. He will be the most amazing dad ever. When I realized how amazing a father he would be, I decided this was the man that I will marry.
Now we are saving money, and getting healthy..... in a mind, body and soul kind of way. and praying to get through the holidays without too much drama! :D
Here is my extra long story if you are interested....
Basically, all i ever wished for is to be a mom.
Thanks for stopping by! come back soon!
I love visitors!!
So here's the story.....
Me: 31. Dx: Doctor #1 = Cervical Stenosis Doctor #2 = Unexplained. Either way, i don't really care what the diagnosis is.... would just like to get off this ride. started TTC January 2009. started seeing an RE January 2010. 2 IUI's = BFN, IVF #1 = chemical, treated as an ectopic, IVF #2 = Canceled. Right now we are on a break. partially because we are waiting for insurance benefits to kick in, but mostly so i don't rip each and every hair out of my head. i needed a mental health break :D We have 2 day five beautiful and perfect blasts on ice, just need some time to get back to me.
DH: 32. No Issues. Amazing. Supportive. Perfect. He will be the most amazing dad ever. When I realized how amazing a father he would be, I decided this was the man that I will marry.
Now we are saving money, and getting healthy..... in a mind, body and soul kind of way. and praying to get through the holidays without too much drama! :D
Here is my extra long story if you are interested....
Basically, all i ever wished for is to be a mom.
Thanks for stopping by! come back soon!
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