trying not to think about it

so..... i took an ambien last night.
it was 2am and i was crying.... with no sleep in sight. so i took an ambien.
i slept till 11:15 today.
it was great!!!

kept busy today.

i did some errands in the morning, then DH and I met up with BFF and her Hubs (whom I affectionately call "JockStrap") and their son Bubba.

We drove 40 minutes to this dump restaurant they saw on Diner's Drive-In's and Dives earlier this week. i wish i could remeber the name of this place, but man it was a shit hole. AMAZING cheese steak. they make their own bread.

then, BFF and i went to Micheal's. We have a plan. We are going to make wreath's until we have one for every season or holiday. today we made fall wreaths. so much fun!! (what an exciting saturday night)

I am in love with my wreath!!

what do you think???


i wish you could see it better, but in the top left corner there is a little owl..... he is my favorite part :)

i also took a few minutes today to put away the meds. i have somewhat of a stock pile of fertility meds. they were in my closet. every time i walked into my closet, there they were.
so i put them away. they have all been put into drawers in another closet. that way they are not seen unintentionally. i emptied the garbage and disposed of or put away everything IF related. i don't think the reminders all over my house are necessary.

Canceled

Yeah ...... Canceled. It sucks.
I'm sad.

I don't remember exactly, but it went something like this.

One side had a 22 plus smaller follies.... 12, 9, 14 etc.....
The other side had a 25 plus a couple smaller 9, 11, 12 etc.....

I knew it was going to be cancelled when I saw those giant follies on both sides.
Dr. Mumbles was mumbling away during the wanding. Afterwards we chatted about possible retrieval and possible cancel.

Basically, he just didn't think there would be enough for a successful retrieval. I understand. It is just very frustrating to have put my body through this for nothing.
I was really sad.
They suggested Provera for 7 days starting tomorrow, and then BCP for 12 days and then back to stimming on Antagonist protocol by the end of October, for early November retrieval and freeze.

DH and I spoke about it.
We are officially taking a break. I am done for a while. I was looking forward to the break after this cycle more than anything else.
I just don't have anymore fight in me right now. 21 months of TTC. Enough for a while.

My body, mind and soul need a break.

We are going to take a few months.

I am going to take care of myself. Diet, exercise, yoga, maybe a couple small trips away with my Hubs, and some money saving during the busy season at work.

I am definitely sad, but at the same time, I am kind of happy to not think about it for a while.

day five of stims

Update

Yesterday
day 4 of stims E2 = 398
little high
dr. mumbles concerned about OHSS or a possible large lead follie.
no ultrasound done

adjusted meds

Today
ultrasound this morning showed
Right side: 14.5, and 9
Left side: 22, 14.5, 11.5, 9, 7.5
E2: 588

Yeah, I know, 22. I was like whoa..... it looked like a grapefruit in there.
Dr. Mumbles is a little concerned.... happy we aren't overstimulating though. Adjusted meds again.
I go back on Friday. I am sure we are looking at Monday retrieval...

I am feeling so very tired, and just like last time extra thirsty. Drinking like a camel.

Grow follies GROW!!!

CD 2

That's right.... She's here.

Baseline scan this morning.

AFC = 8. Not the best number... but it might be 10.
E2 = 46

Handed in all consents as well as $$. We are on the way.....

Retrieval sometime the week of the 27th.

Hopefully we get a whole bunch of beautiful embabies to freeze.

Dr. Mumbles was not to happy to hear that we will not be doing a transfer, as his fresh success rate is much higher than the frozen. Oh well. I was disappointed too.

just waiting

waiting for AF.... come on lady!! let's get this show on the road!!

Last BCP yesterday.....

just waiting for AF now. Lupron continues to torture me.

Lupron

I don't like Lupron. It makes me hot and extra cranky.

a new plan

ok blog friends..... i have been meaning to share for a while.
i guess i feel like if i type it for all of you to see, than it's the real truth.

it's bad,

and good i guess.

so, as i have mentioned before, i am currently the proud owner of AMAZING health coverage. everything is covered...... i mean EVERYTHING. (Our IVF in May cost out of pocket $1600. that included all meds, copays, freezing of embryo's and storage for a year, ICSI, EVERYTHING)

don't hate me.....my coverage is no longer mine as of november 7th. it's really sad.... i know.

so DH and I have been doing everything in our power to get me knocked up before Nov 7th. until a few weeks ago....... I found out that i will not be eligible for coverage at my work. No group coverage!! (DH's plan is very cost prohibitive)

So basically, I am now shopping for an individual plan. An individual plan with maternity coverage. These are difficult to find. So far I have found one company that is offering maternity coverage in Florida.

This has put a wrench in our plans to get knocked up. Because I can't be knocked up and then get maternity health care coverage. I have to get maternity healthcare coverage, wait the grace period, and then get knocked up.

the day this news came to me was a bad one..... i was beside myself... i was a mess.

DH came home to find the mess that i was.... i explained the situation. and he was fine. he says "Well we will do the IVF, stim, do the retreival, and freeze all the embryos."

Of course!!

because i had become an insane person i did not think of this, but thank god i have such an amazing man who can make it all better just like that.
realistically, we can't afford to do what we have been doing. Obviously IVF is expensive. But FET, that is much more realistic. $10,000 vs $2500. Really. A no brainer.

So thats the plan.

We are doing the first part of the IVF cycle. hopefully we will get lots of mature eggs, fertilize those eggs, and freeze a crap load of embabies!!

I was a mess. but i think it is getting better. i am looking forward to a real break.
I am going to look for a new job, i am going to get in shape, I am going to work on getting back the old me. the happier me. And we are going to save a crap load of money!!

FET = Sometime in 2011.

that's the plan.