grrrrrr!

i have a shirt that apparently makes me look pregnant. i have worn it to work twice, and twice people have asked my due date. once a man, and last night a woman.

as i was showing this douche-bag woman to her table last night (i am a restaurant hostess. i do it for the unbelievable health insurance) i asked how she was, as it is part of the job, she said good and asked how i was "feeling"..... i thought it was strange but as i turned around i noticed her looking at my non-bump, and she then asked when i was due..... i replied "I'm not pregnant, just FAT" (Thanks Michelle!!) Her husband made a terrible noise signifying his mortification, and the woman promptly put her head down and apologized. By this time we were at the table.... i put the menus down and walked away, saying nothing else to them.

i really just don't get it. i mean, obviously i know i have some work to do in the weight loss department, but seriously, i don't look pregnant!! fucking people are so ignorant. i hope that woman feels like shit for days. what an asshole.

a healthier me

its time.

i gained 20 pounds in 2010. i also gained 20 pounds in 2009. i let those 20 pounds go because i also quit smoking in 2009..... i figured an extra 20 pounds was worth the not smoking.

but really, the extra 20 pounds plus another extra 20 pounds is 40 pounds of extra fatness... not good.

so i joined weight watchers again. i have done it before, and i know the deal. it's easy. and i like food way too much to not eat whatever i feel like eating. weight watchers gives you that freedom.

week one started on january 3rd. i weighed myself on sunday night, the 2nd. i weighed myself after eating a delicious prime rib dinner. (i know i should have weighed myself monday morning, but it's kind of like tricking myself into thinking i lost a little extra) :D
when i weighed myself yesterday morning i had lost 5.6 pounds!!! YAY!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!

i have several goals on this weight loss journey...but, right now i am working towards april. april 1st is the day that i am again eligible for health insurance. april 1st is the day that i will call dr. d and tell him we are ready to unfreeze those beautiful little embabies and do the transfer!! so the goal for april 1st is 30 pounds.

i will do it..... i am ready.... i am creating a healthy place for our embabies.

my new calendar

i bought a new calendar yesterday. usually i get one for christmas, i hang it up and never think twice.
but yesterday i went out and planned to get a calendar.... it was exciting to pick out my own.
this calendar is beautiful. and has very girly pictures. so girly that DH asked what i was going to do with it.
so i sat down with my 2009 calendar and copied all the birthdays, anniversaries and so on. (i used 2009 because i didn't even bother with writing down any special dates for 2010, i just didn't care) and as i scanned through each month, i remembered 2010.....
march 16, march 17, may 9, may 21, june 4, june 9, june 20, june 25, june 28, sept 24...... life changing days.

i have always been one of those people who don't remember the date when something bad has happened. like the day that someone died. i don't remember those days. i know there are a lot of people that do, i guess it's like some sort of sub-conscious self preservation thing. it has always been good for me. but this year, those dates just stick. i don't know if they will ever leave my mind. and the vivid memories of each day..... they are here with me now.

and then i thought about what 2011 will bring..... i looked at the pictures for each month and they made me smile. they made me so hopeful. april and august are my favorite pictures...... i hope they bring great dates to remember!

someone posted on FB today: "What is the one word that describes what you want 2011 to be?"

i didn't write my response but only one word came to mind...... fertile :)

what is your word??

Good bye 2010

Or should I say GOOD RIDDANCE!!
2010 was..... Craptastic.

I had this big post planned about all the things that happened in 2010. all the garbage, all the shots, wandings, visits to the doctor, death and destruction.

but really, i just don't want to dwell on bad stuff.

2011 is finally here. i am ready. i am excited. and i am moving forward. 2011 will be better. it will be great!!

so to you, all my blog sister i say "thanks" thanks for being there. holding my hand, and sharing your stories. i don't think i would have made it without you.

and also, i'm not speaking to you til next year!! ;D

hope

i don't think it is possible to completely erase TTC from my brain. i mean really we have been doing it for so long that it happens to just be part of the routine.

i get alerts regarding my cycle via mymonthlycycles.com. they email me when i am about to ovulate, and also when AF is on her way. i have been using this website to track AF for ever..... before we got married i started using it to make sure i didn't get knocked up (if i only knew).
also, to say we are not trying is not completely true. i mean we aren't taking any precautions.
i think it would be crazy to not at least do what we can.

so i get the email about ovulation, which after 47 cycles is usually pretty close to accurate, and then we do our part :) i know this is not an exact...... i am not using opk's. i am not tracking my temp. i am not doing anything that would actually confirm an ovulation, but really, by this point i kinda know what my body is telling me....

and then i sort of forget about it. until around CD 24.

today is CD 26. i got an email this morning saying that AF should be showing her head tomorrow. (also, usually pretty accurate, when my body is not pumped full of fertility drugs)
i don't know if she is coming..... i have felt a little crampy. there is just a little part of me that is worried i haven't been taking a prenatal and i have had a couple drinks this week. a little shred of hope that would love to surprise DH when he gets home from Chicago on saturday with a miracle positive.

i know there isn't much of a chance...... but i can't not hope.

100th post

I have thought a lot about this post, and what I would say..... I had so many ideas, so many memories. But today, as i sat down to write this post i changed my mind. i didn't want to contemplate the last year, the last 99 blog posts, i wanted to celebrate!

I found this quote:

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” - Buddha

today, right now, i am so happy i did this.... i started this blog because my husband urged and thought it would be good for me. i have kept going because it is good for me. my blog friends are good for me.

So to you.... you who are reading now. whether this is the first time you have read my blog or the 100th time, Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. thank you for making me laugh, making me cry, cheering me on, and most of all.... sharing your stories.

with love,
jes

doing what i can

i am determined to not let the holiday's get to me....

hanukkah is almost over, and christmas is close.

i have decided no christmas decorations this year. i have done this before, and it keeps me from going insane. it's just less work. when we are not hosting christmas at our house, i see no reason why i must decorate. so that's awesome.

also, i am not sending out holiday cards..... this is not something i have ever done, but really, i'm just not into it this year. i always send a picture, and this years fertility treatments have taken their toll on my body, not really feeling up to sending out a fat picture (sorry, i know, i am vain)

yesterday i went to a cookie swap... it was a small group, nothing out of control, but i was a little nervous about baby questions..... everything was fine, i drank too much, and didn't have to answer any obnoxious questions!! yay! good times. i also dropped off cookies at the fire station by my house.... i wanted nothing to do with all those cookies in my house!! they were stoked!! and it felt good to do something nice!

i am looking forward to saying good riddance to 2010... what a shitty year.

2011 has got to be better than this!!