a bittersweet anniversary

this is the 3rd time i have tried to write this post today......

2 years ago today i quit smoking.

it has been one of the hardest things i have ever done. i quit because it was the right thing to do. i gained motivation from all the people who didn't think i could do it (whether they said so or not). i did it because it is a filthy disgusting habit.

i loved cigarettes. i think i still love cigarettes, even though i haven't held one to my lips in 730 days.

we decided to start trying to have a baby and DH thought i should give up the marlboro lights. i was devastated. but i knew it was the right thing. i mean, i knew that i don't want to raise children in a home where smoking is acceptable. it's not. i also knew how bad it is during pregnancy. the thought of a precious little creature growing inside my body, and once in a while that precious creature would have to swim around in an amniotic sac filled with smoke.... basically repulsive.

i called my hypnotherapist.... (used in the past for many different reasons) i knew that if i meant business, the only way i would actually quit was with assistance. Alice was my assistance. DH calls it the "5 most expensive naps" and basically, they were expensive naps. but, it wasn't terrible. alice gave me more than unconscious suggestion. she also gave me real life tools, and tips to get through it.

i am amazed at my will power and discipline.

for a while it was easy, but i think as time goes on, it gets harder. it's the thought that i have gone "x" amount of time, i probably won't like it. or. i can just have one. it's crazy. it's an addiction. it will always be part of who i am.

it's bittersweet because i didn't know what i know now. i didn't know that we wouldn't have a child in 2009. or 2010. i didn't know the pain and sadness i would feel. i didn't know giving myself injections in the belly would create an unbelievable desire to smoke a cigarette. i didn't know the person i would soon become. i didn't know that being a non-smoker would somehow make me think about being an infertile....

weight watchers week 3

Weight loss in week 3= 4 pounds

Total weight loss so far= 12.4 pounds!!

YAY!!!

After i entered my weight loss for the week, weight watchers sent me a note about how i was loosing weight too quickly. it seemed to me that they might think i am careening down into a terrible weight loss hole..... i think it will be o.k.

i am feeling great! starting to feel better about my body, and truly excited about the weight loss. i hope that i can continue with this momentum!! April 1 is 6 weeks away, and i would be so happy to have met my goal of 30 pounds in 3 months. 3 pounds a week sounds so good.

it has been easy so far, and i plan to start exercising this week....i wanted to get the food thing under control before i began the dreaded exercise. i have decided to exercise on tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and saturday. these are the days i either don't work, or only work at night, so exercising in the morning won't be an issue.

i have sucked at ICLW this month, and i am truly sorry about it. i am hoping to catch up tonight and tomorrow afternoon..... to those who have stopped by to visit my blog, Thanks!!
I love the comments, and i will be stopping by your blogs as well!! :D

turns out the stomach virus is good for a diet

so the weekend away was good.....

great to see the family, great to see my SIL.... I love her so much and i am so happy she is with us and healthy ( she had a massive stroke last year, but is doing well! clearly a long post for another day.)

we drove to st. augustine on friday afternoon.... my niece was celebrating her 5th birthday, so we went to celebrate with everyone :D

spent friday night just hanging out with the kids.... DH is the perfect jungle gym for a 2 year old and a 5 year old!!

saturday i got to spend some time with SIL.... i miss her so much, and i am so happy she is doing well. then the big festivities..... Niece's birthday party. It was an art's and crafts party held in the classroom of Hobby Lobby.... it was super cute!! Face painting, and all the kids got to decorate tiara's/crown's. And then, DH stole the show...... he busted out some balloon animals for the kids!! i have no idea how DH knows how to make balloon animals, but he does it from time to time and it is always a hit.

sunday we went to breakfast... BIL was not feeling so hot, so we left shortly after breakfast and headed home (4 hour drive).

we both felt fine all day sunday, but i woke up around 5 in the morning on monday. things were not good. my stomach felt like it was being ripped apart. to put it nicely, it was coming from both ends. DH started to get sick shortly after me. we both missed work on monday and basically were bed ridden for the whole day.

turns out someone at the birthday party brought along a nasty virus. from what i have heard, about half the kids and adults were sick.

i am feeling so much better....thank the lord!! i have not been sick like that since i was a kid!

the silver lining...... weekly weight loss 2.8 pounds even after a major cheat day on saturday!! and then when i weighed myself this morning (after basically living on crackers for a day) another 2.8 pounds!!! whoooo hooooo!!

i am wearing my favorite michael kors pants that have been locked away in the closet for a while now!!! i know i might come back a little bit but still..... things are going well.

weekend away

DH and I are going to St Augustine this weekend....
His brother lives there with his family, and we will be celebrating my niece L's 5th birthday.

I can't even believe she is 5 already.

I will need strength to make it through a small child's birthday party. My SIL belongs to a mom's club. hopefully the mom's stay away from me and don't ask any questions about baby making. some of SIL's friends know about our situation (long story) and i have been blind-sided with questions before.....

so excited to see them though!!

wish me luck, will post when we get home!!

grrrrrr!

i have a shirt that apparently makes me look pregnant. i have worn it to work twice, and twice people have asked my due date. once a man, and last night a woman.

as i was showing this douche-bag woman to her table last night (i am a restaurant hostess. i do it for the unbelievable health insurance) i asked how she was, as it is part of the job, she said good and asked how i was "feeling"..... i thought it was strange but as i turned around i noticed her looking at my non-bump, and she then asked when i was due..... i replied "I'm not pregnant, just FAT" (Thanks Michelle!!) Her husband made a terrible noise signifying his mortification, and the woman promptly put her head down and apologized. By this time we were at the table.... i put the menus down and walked away, saying nothing else to them.

i really just don't get it. i mean, obviously i know i have some work to do in the weight loss department, but seriously, i don't look pregnant!! fucking people are so ignorant. i hope that woman feels like shit for days. what an asshole.

a healthier me

its time.

i gained 20 pounds in 2010. i also gained 20 pounds in 2009. i let those 20 pounds go because i also quit smoking in 2009..... i figured an extra 20 pounds was worth the not smoking.

but really, the extra 20 pounds plus another extra 20 pounds is 40 pounds of extra fatness... not good.

so i joined weight watchers again. i have done it before, and i know the deal. it's easy. and i like food way too much to not eat whatever i feel like eating. weight watchers gives you that freedom.

week one started on january 3rd. i weighed myself on sunday night, the 2nd. i weighed myself after eating a delicious prime rib dinner. (i know i should have weighed myself monday morning, but it's kind of like tricking myself into thinking i lost a little extra) :D
when i weighed myself yesterday morning i had lost 5.6 pounds!!! YAY!!! HOORAY FOR ME!!!

i have several goals on this weight loss journey...but, right now i am working towards april. april 1st is the day that i am again eligible for health insurance. april 1st is the day that i will call dr. d and tell him we are ready to unfreeze those beautiful little embabies and do the transfer!! so the goal for april 1st is 30 pounds.

i will do it..... i am ready.... i am creating a healthy place for our embabies.

my new calendar

i bought a new calendar yesterday. usually i get one for christmas, i hang it up and never think twice.
but yesterday i went out and planned to get a calendar.... it was exciting to pick out my own.
this calendar is beautiful. and has very girly pictures. so girly that DH asked what i was going to do with it.
so i sat down with my 2009 calendar and copied all the birthdays, anniversaries and so on. (i used 2009 because i didn't even bother with writing down any special dates for 2010, i just didn't care) and as i scanned through each month, i remembered 2010.....
march 16, march 17, may 9, may 21, june 4, june 9, june 20, june 25, june 28, sept 24...... life changing days.

i have always been one of those people who don't remember the date when something bad has happened. like the day that someone died. i don't remember those days. i know there are a lot of people that do, i guess it's like some sort of sub-conscious self preservation thing. it has always been good for me. but this year, those dates just stick. i don't know if they will ever leave my mind. and the vivid memories of each day..... they are here with me now.

and then i thought about what 2011 will bring..... i looked at the pictures for each month and they made me smile. they made me so hopeful. april and august are my favorite pictures...... i hope they bring great dates to remember!

someone posted on FB today: "What is the one word that describes what you want 2011 to be?"

i didn't write my response but only one word came to mind...... fertile :)

what is your word??