Ugh

So I just had to tell my SIL that I can't go to New York for her graduation from Law School, because it's the weekend after my ET, because I am infertile and because I am doing an IVF cycle. Ugh!
So I could have lied...I could have made up some random excuse. But, my husband works in a family business. Therefore, almost all of DH's family knows that I am infertile. Makes me feel so great..... Ugh. My SIL was basically the only one who didn't know, and only because she lives in New York. So why lie, she is going to find out eventually. Some slip of the tongue somewhere along the way.
My week was basically full of Ugh Moments.
I wonder if my husbands family thinks that I am damaged goods. I wonder what they think of this. I wonder if they all sit around and talk about me when I am not around. Hypothesizing about the reasons for my inability to bring more of their family in to this world. I wonder and it makes me sad. It makes me feel inadequate.....this is how I feel this week. Inadequate.
Ugh.

Here we go!!

Today was the big day.... IVF consult day. Met with Dr. D., talked about money, talked about the schedule, we are a go. I start injections on May 9, with ER around May 19th, and ET the last week of May. This is crazy.

Today begins the insanity

This may sound crazy, but,I think taking birth control again is the most daunting thing I have had to do so far in this crazy IF situation. I stopped taking birth control about 5 years ago. I stopped because I took a job in a management position, and I did not think it was appropriate to cry every day, especially if I was to be held accountable for the actions and behavior of a lot of people.
Many times over the last five years I have reflected on that decision as one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Today begins the insanity.
I called DH, who is out of town right now, to let him know that today is the day. He told me he was going to start a pool. Betting squares. Which drugs will make me the most crazy?? Anyone want in? And, he also wants to do little side bets, for instance, how many times can I cry in one day, or what will he have to do to get me to gouge his eye balls out. I love that man....

I saw this during a visit to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville. This is where I am......Hope.
I have to have it. It meant a lot to me, and every time I look at it, there is more and more meaning. This is it..... HOPE.

Day 2

Tomorrow is the beginning of a wild ride. Wild because I think the hormones may make me crazy, and DH is without a doubt, positive that I will be crazy. Tomorrow, I begin birth control pills. Never in a million years did I think that trying to get pregnant would include birth control pills, but here we are..... IVF. 3 letters never meant so much to me before.
I never wanted anything the way I want this....
All I ever wished for was to be a mom.