being brave

every year my best friend hosts a cookie party. it's one of those holiday cookie swap type parties, where everyone bakes cookies and we go and trade. for several years i was unable to attend because i worked. all. the. time. last year was the first year i was able to attend, and i was totally excited. mostly because last year around christmas time i had taken up eating. i was eating like it was a sport. or maybe my job. i was depressed and trying to dig myself out of the infertile ditch. but, because the party involved baking and eating.... i was all about it. i scan recipes, searched for the perfect cookies to swap. i baked all night the day before.

the morning of the cookie party i woke up with a terrible feeling. you know that feeling when you are getting dressed in the morning. the one that says....."brace yourself... today is going to suck. BAD", and you have no idea why. that was the feeling.

i sat on the couch drinking coffee. playing possible scenarios in my head.
newly married girls at the party: 2. possible pregnancy announcements
girls already with kids: 2. obnoxious stories about diapers and nap time and whining about little sleep and crying children
bitter infertile friend, unable to ever conceive: 1. jokes about being barren
me...... sad. terrified someone will find out my secret. terrified someone will ask me when we are going to have a baby. terrified i might cry for no reason. feeling like this is a really bad idea.

about 20 minutes before i was supposed to leave, bestie texted me....a mass text...for all the girls. something about needing some time..... cookie party postponed an hour. the feeling got worse. something bad. very bad.

i didn't know then. but my best friend's life had changed forever that morning. she would tell me a couple days later.

it's funny. i was so very sad for her before i even knew it.

the cookie party was fine. no pregnancy announcements. no questions about my life. no obnoxious mommy stories. no "barren" jokes. just fun with friends and cookies. bestie suffered in silence. neither of us mentioned it. we put on smiles and got through the day in our own ways.

this year when she invited me to the cookie party i thought about it long and hard. i decided not to go.
thoughts about last years actual events.
pregnant friends: 2. scary.
mommys: 2. soon to be 3. even worse.
bitter infertile friend: 1 (this one is not me). the "barren" jokes are difficult to hear....
nope. not interested.

and then the cookie party was rescheduled.... pushed back, from last weekend to this weekend. and somehow, my attitude changed. these are women i have known for years. all four of them know my struggle. maybe not the details, but they know. and seriously..... i can't really hide from pregnant women. it's not good. i think it's actually bad. i need to surround myself with the things i want in life. i need to be accepting of others who have what i want so badly. be happy for them. not jealous or bitter....

so tomorrow morning, i am going to put on my big girl pants, and bake some cookies with my friends. and if it's terrible, at least i can stuff my mouth full of cookies.

please. wish me luck.