100!!!

today i have 100 followers!!

thank you so much ladies for your love and support! it truly means the world to me!

today i am wishing a very merry holiday season to all my bloggy friends out there! you have made me a better person, you have given me strength and you have made me feel more support than i knew possible. thank you ladies for these amazing gifts!

i wish for you and amazing holiday filled with love, luck, and light.

xoxoxxo
always,
jes

ready or not

we have a schedule ladies and gentlemen. (well, i don't think any men read this blog..... but if you do)

i went this morning for cycle planning and an ultrasound. it's so funny when they do an ultrasound how much they know. she said i ovulated on the right side, probably about two days ago. (which is the same as what i was thinking). and i should get AF in about 12 days.

schedule is as follows
AF to come sometime around dec 23-25
bcp on CD 3
stop bcp on jan 8 (no matter what day i start bcp)
stim start on jan 13 (friday the 13th....)
stim is usually 8 or 9 days
retrieval on jan 23 or 24
we will do icsi and assisted hatching
day 3 transfer of 3 embabies on jan 26 or 27
beta around feb 8

so i am excited and nervous.....

i am at that point where it seems like everyone around me is preggo.... and this is the perfect time for things to happen because our little bambino(s) would have the best little play group..... my playgroup wouldn't be so bad either ;)

i am filled with hope and praying so hard for a take home baby in 2012.

cookies

thanks so much ladies for your words of encouragement!!!
the cookie party was good. no drama. nothing terrible happened. and i didn't get upset or cry.

we baked all day, and i was exhausted when it was over. but it was great to spend time with my friends. and really nice to hear how much they missed me hanging around :)

for those who are interested..... everyone was responsible for two different kinds of cookies. we were to bake one kind of cookie before the party and bring it with us. and the second, we were to bring the ingredients and recipe to make while we were hanging out.

for the cookies made ahead of time, i made black and whites. and while we were hanging out i made chocolate crackles.
(FYI if you like food blogs, smitten kitchen and bakerella are both awesome!!) both recipes were super easy and so so good.

being brave

every year my best friend hosts a cookie party. it's one of those holiday cookie swap type parties, where everyone bakes cookies and we go and trade. for several years i was unable to attend because i worked. all. the. time. last year was the first year i was able to attend, and i was totally excited. mostly because last year around christmas time i had taken up eating. i was eating like it was a sport. or maybe my job. i was depressed and trying to dig myself out of the infertile ditch. but, because the party involved baking and eating.... i was all about it. i scan recipes, searched for the perfect cookies to swap. i baked all night the day before.

the morning of the cookie party i woke up with a terrible feeling. you know that feeling when you are getting dressed in the morning. the one that says....."brace yourself... today is going to suck. BAD", and you have no idea why. that was the feeling.

i sat on the couch drinking coffee. playing possible scenarios in my head.
newly married girls at the party: 2. possible pregnancy announcements
girls already with kids: 2. obnoxious stories about diapers and nap time and whining about little sleep and crying children
bitter infertile friend, unable to ever conceive: 1. jokes about being barren
me...... sad. terrified someone will find out my secret. terrified someone will ask me when we are going to have a baby. terrified i might cry for no reason. feeling like this is a really bad idea.

about 20 minutes before i was supposed to leave, bestie texted me....a mass text...for all the girls. something about needing some time..... cookie party postponed an hour. the feeling got worse. something bad. very bad.

i didn't know then. but my best friend's life had changed forever that morning. she would tell me a couple days later.

it's funny. i was so very sad for her before i even knew it.

the cookie party was fine. no pregnancy announcements. no questions about my life. no obnoxious mommy stories. no "barren" jokes. just fun with friends and cookies. bestie suffered in silence. neither of us mentioned it. we put on smiles and got through the day in our own ways.

this year when she invited me to the cookie party i thought about it long and hard. i decided not to go.
thoughts about last years actual events.
pregnant friends: 2. scary.
mommys: 2. soon to be 3. even worse.
bitter infertile friend: 1 (this one is not me). the "barren" jokes are difficult to hear....
nope. not interested.

and then the cookie party was rescheduled.... pushed back, from last weekend to this weekend. and somehow, my attitude changed. these are women i have known for years. all four of them know my struggle. maybe not the details, but they know. and seriously..... i can't really hide from pregnant women. it's not good. i think it's actually bad. i need to surround myself with the things i want in life. i need to be accepting of others who have what i want so badly. be happy for them. not jealous or bitter....

so tomorrow morning, i am going to put on my big girl pants, and bake some cookies with my friends. and if it's terrible, at least i can stuff my mouth full of cookies.

please. wish me luck.

maybe?

so last month i had surgery and my cervix was dilated.....

and next month we are going to be full force in ivf land.

i was thinking...... maybe....

maybe we could try it the old fashioned way?

dh thought it was cute that i asked..... it's funny, we haven't tried the normal way in so long. obviously, my hopes aren't very high. but, maybe because he dilated my cervix recently..... maybe there's a chance.

today is cd 6.

don't worry i'm not going to get crazy peeing on ovulation strips or preggo tests..... but we could have some fun ;-)

follow up

today we met with dr. d for follow up from my hysteroscopy and endometrial biopsy. everything was good. uterus looked good. biopsy was good. cervix was dilated.
we went through my chart again. dr. d is at a loss as to why it didn't work last time. he seemed pretty upset about that. but we are all ready to make it happen. he said for my amh being so low... my embryos were not bad. and we are going to do the same protocol again.... just a higher dose. hopefully to get more eggs. anid we a going to transfer 3 embryos this time.

so i go back in a week and a half for cycle planning. bcp to start around christmas. starting stims in january. with retrieval and transfer also in january.

COME ON 2012 TAKE HOME BABY!!!!

grrrrrrr

first off. i have so many new followers!!!! its so awesome!!! welcome!!! thanks for following my story!!
please leave me a comment so i can make sure and follow your story too!! xoxoxox

now. for the grrrrrr.

american baby magazine. GRRRRRR!!!

i don't know how. i don't know when. but i do know, i don't really enjoy opening the mailbox to american baby magazine.

thank you for the reminder. the reminder that this holiday season was supposed to be full of joy and excitement. the reminder that i should be round and glowing. and dreaming of our baby coming soon.

i don't want to be sad when i open the mailbox. i would rather get bills.