Sunday, October 2, 2011

back to the drawing board

i had this feeling during most of the 2ww. i guess it started about 5 days after the transfer. i had a feeling it hadn't worked. mostly because my boobs didn't hurt. because my boobs always hurt. i mean always. and there was nothing. but also, it just wasn't the same. i felt too normal, and i was pretty sad about it. i didn't say anything to dh.... i just hoped that i was wrong. still looking for symptoms up until the day before my beta.... then i thought there was a chance.

on tuesday night (the night before my beta) as i was driving home from work i called dh and told him i wanted to POAS. he was not excited and tried to hang up on me. i told him i just wanted it to be us. i said i felt like it wasn't fair.... like we have been cheated out of the experience.... eventually he understood and said ok. i needed his approval for some reason just to buy the damn pee sticks. so i stopped at the drug store and picked up a box of FRER. as soon as i had paid for them i felt like it was wrong, like it was a bad idea.

i got home and we just stared at the box.

we were both too terrified.

i decided to wait.

wednesday morning i woke up nauseous. (it was probably nerves) but it made me hopeful. we went to dr. d's and had blood drawn. when we left, dh went to work, and i went to the beach. i just needed a minute. to breath.
after the beach i went home. and POAS. one line. i hate that fucking line. as soon as i saw it i remembered why we decided no more pee sticks in the house. FUCK!!

i tossed the stick and laid in bed. googling. i looked up fertility clinics all over the U.S. looking at clinics with the highest success rates. and thought about how we manage a cycle in pennsylvania, or texas, or colorado. i wondered if the doctor's in those clinics are wizards or magicians. i thought about how we were going to make this shit happen. i thought about what i could have done wrong. (i know it's not my fault). i didn't cry.

around 1:30 dr. d called. i don't even know what he said. i just remember him saying "i'm sorry". we were probably on the phone for 10 minutes..... i couldn't even concentrate.

i waited a little bit and called dh.

he offered to come home. i said if he wanted to he should, but i was ok. and i think i was.

we had plans for dinner that night. it was rosh hashana. happy fucking new year to me. (not what i had hoped for the new year.). dh asked if i wanted to go still. if he should tell his parents we weren't coming. after i thought about it, i decided i wanted to go. i wanted to eat and drink wine. and drink wine i did. my MIL made sure of that. it was nice. she didn't say a thing (they know everything) she just kept pouring me wine. we got home and i was out....

thursday morning was tough. i just kept telling myself i had to make it through the day. i did. but it wasn't easy.

as i walked in the door from work on thursday i was sobbing.

i haven't scheduled our WTF appt yet. i am not doing it this week. maybe next week.

and then we will see. i am pretty sure we will be sticking with dr. d. and i will be looking into some new accupuncturists.

but basically, we are headed back to the drawing board.


  1. So sorry you are going through this, I know how difficult it can be. I hope you get some answers! I remember how frustrating it was when we transferred 2 "perfect" embabies and neither stuck. Thinking of you!!!

  2. I'm so very, very sorry. There are never the right words in this time. I'm thinking of you...

  3. So sorry to hear your news... I've found BFNs after each IVF cycle so hard. Thinking of you and sending you hugs from afar xoxo

  4. Oh Jes, I'm so sorry. You might feel like there's something else you could be doing, or another doctor you could be seeing, but sometimes there just isn't a logical reason. You both deserved this SO MUCH, my heart is just breaking for you...

    Keeping you in my prayers xo

  5. Have they done any genetic testing to see if there is something going on beyond just not getting pregnant? Do they offer that at your clinic? I am praying for you girl! If there is ANYTHING at all that I can do for you, please let me know!

  6. Good to hear from you, I have been worried. I am so sorry. I know the crushing pain of a failed IVF cycle, it is just so unfair. Take whatever time you need before your WTF, I just hope it can bring you some peace and a direction to move in. Lots of love and hugs to you.

  7. I'm so sorry. So very sorry. I hope you get some real answers.

  8. Sorry to hear this. I never bring the pee sticks into my house anymore either, nothing breaks your spirit quite like that single line. Best of luck to you in your next step whatever and whenever that may be.

  9. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how heart wrenching this must be. Hopefully he can give you answers. Take the time to relax this week before diving into the emotions of your WTF appointment next week. I wonder the same as Emily, was any genetic testing done? Its easily overlooked at so many clinics.

  10. I'll be headed back to that damn board right along with you. So sorry honey. Thinking of you.

  11. I am so sorry. My heart is so heavy for you... it is just so unfair that this happened to you. I hope you are taking some time to relax. Hugs to you, my dear friend...