WTF Appt

we had it today.

i called yesterday to schedule it.... thinking i had time to finish up on some research i hard started... turns out dr. d is going to a fertility conference tomorrow, so they scheduled it for today. so ready or not, we went. i walked into dr. d's office and he said, "i'm really glad you are still smiling.". meanwhile i was a little scared dh was going to punch dr. d in the head if he didn't hear things he wanted to.

so here it is.... the facts as we know them.
- ivf #1- antagonist protocol. 9 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. ok quality embryos. transferred 2 at day 3. two made to blast and frozen at day 5. biochemical pregnancy. methotrexate shot.
-ivf #2- cancelled due to 2 lead follicles nothing else worth retrieving. (long lupron protocol)
-fet #1- 2 day 5 partially hatched embryos transferred. good quality. pregnancy. blighted ovum. d&c. karyotyping of products of conception came back as normal.
-ivf #3- antagonist protocol higher dosage of meds. 8 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. 2 good quality embryos, 5 not so great. transferred one perfect (no fragmentation) and one very good embryo on day 3. nothing left to freeze.
- AMH is officially low. (.29) FSH is normal
- all other testing has come back within acceptable levels.

the plan
- barrage of testing. dr. d thinks this could be an egg quality issue (low AMH) and also could be an implantation issue.
testing to be done for immune issues related to implantation, as well as clotting disorders. also i asked for karyotyping for both me and dh. (dr. d didn't think it would show anything, but will do it.)
- i mentioned the trouble at transfer time. (being dilated during transfer and the stress that might have caused). dr. d suggested another hysteroscopy to open my cervix back up, and also endometrial biopsy (again to look for implantation issues).
- continue on all vitamins...prenatal, dha, melatonin. add dhea (50mg in morning 25mg at night). dr. d said i could do coq10 if i wanted, but did not think it would help.
-next cycle. higher dosage of meds(same protocol)..... try to get more follicles. no pgd(embryos won't make it...they are better off inside me) day 3 transfer of at least 3 embryos. acupuncture.
- me- i'm going to take care of myself. healthy diet. excersize and yoga. a little red wine every once in a while. little caffiene (i drink 1 cup of decaf almost every day). acupuncture and happy thoughts

i feel good. i am happy with the way things went today. dr. d is doing all the testing i wanted done. (mostly his idea.... just a few things that i brought up). the bottom line is..... i just want this to work.

back to the drawing board

i had this feeling during most of the 2ww. i guess it started about 5 days after the transfer. i had a feeling it hadn't worked. mostly because my boobs didn't hurt. because my boobs always hurt. i mean always. and there was nothing. but also, it just wasn't the same. i felt too normal, and i was pretty sad about it. i didn't say anything to dh.... i just hoped that i was wrong. still looking for symptoms up until the day before my beta.... then i thought there was a chance.

on tuesday night (the night before my beta) as i was driving home from work i called dh and told him i wanted to POAS. he was not excited and tried to hang up on me. i told him i just wanted it to be us. i said i felt like it wasn't fair.... like we have been cheated out of the experience.... eventually he understood and said ok. i needed his approval for some reason just to buy the damn pee sticks. so i stopped at the drug store and picked up a box of FRER. as soon as i had paid for them i felt like it was wrong, like it was a bad idea.

i got home and we just stared at the box.

we were both too terrified.

i decided to wait.

wednesday morning i woke up nauseous. (it was probably nerves) but it made me hopeful. we went to dr. d's and had blood drawn. when we left, dh went to work, and i went to the beach. i just needed a minute. to breath.
after the beach i went home. and POAS. one line. i hate that fucking line. as soon as i saw it i remembered why we decided no more pee sticks in the house. FUCK!!

i tossed the stick and laid in bed. googling. i looked up fertility clinics all over the U.S. looking at clinics with the highest success rates. and thought about how we manage a cycle in pennsylvania, or texas, or colorado. i wondered if the doctor's in those clinics are wizards or magicians. i thought about how we were going to make this shit happen. i thought about what i could have done wrong. (i know it's not my fault). i didn't cry.

around 1:30 dr. d called. i don't even know what he said. i just remember him saying "i'm sorry". we were probably on the phone for 10 minutes..... i couldn't even concentrate.

i waited a little bit and called dh.

he offered to come home. i said if he wanted to he should, but i was ok. and i think i was.

we had plans for dinner that night. it was rosh hashana. happy fucking new year to me. (not what i had hoped for the new year.). dh asked if i wanted to go still. if he should tell his parents we weren't coming. after i thought about it, i decided i wanted to go. i wanted to eat and drink wine. and drink wine i did. my MIL made sure of that. it was nice. she didn't say a thing (they know everything) she just kept pouring me wine. we got home and i was out....

thursday morning was tough. i just kept telling myself i had to make it through the day. i did. but it wasn't easy.

as i walked in the door from work on thursday i was sobbing.

i haven't scheduled our WTF appt yet. i am not doing it this week. maybe next week.

and then we will see. i am pretty sure we will be sticking with dr. d. and i will be looking into some new accupuncturists.

but basically, we are headed back to the drawing board.