so we were going to wait and start the cycle in september….. i felt so much better
that gave me about 26 days to deal with health insurance, order meds, set up the PGD, get my acupuncturists on board and make my ute baby ready.
it went fast. i dealt with all the shit i thought i needed. september 21 came and so did AF. went in for day 3 labs and cycle start. the ivf nurse mentioned we hadn't done the genetic screening.
i think maybe someone might have mentioned that….. why didn't anyone follow up, or put it on my checklist of shit you must do.
i'm not sure.
sooooo we had to push it back another month. we had the blood drawn and shipped out that day for the genetic testing.
Monday, January 27, 2014
choosing a doctor
august 2013
we had to decide. decide on a doctor for our last ivf. our hail mary. the all our eggs in one basket cycle. the no stone left unturned cycle.
we had to decide. decide on a doctor for our last ivf. our hail mary. the all our eggs in one basket cycle. the no stone left unturned cycle.
our choices-
Crazy european doctor in las ve.gas. says i can't get knocked up and stay knocked up without him and his crazy iv mayonnaise drugs (IViG)
or
local baby factory doc. says, "i don't know, maybe we can try?"
(For the record i know that IViG has helped many women with RPL to get pregnant and stay pregnant. and for that matter helped many with autoimmune issues.
i am not knocking it. At All. its just my way. i mean its got eggs and oil in it....mayonnaise)
hubs was not too keen on an ivf cycle in las ve.gas. with a doctor we wouldn't meet in person until like 2 days before retrieval. plus traveling during a cycle sounded like a nightmare.
so we chose the local factory doctor.
he wanted to start right away…..i was on CD1.
he wanted to order meds, have them overnighted, set up PDG with my health insurance, and do the baseline the next morning and get the show on the road. (all in two days)
i was in. and so was hubs.
and then we left the office….. it was too quick. i needed a minute. i wasn't ready.
he wanted to start right away…..i was on CD1.
he wanted to order meds, have them overnighted, set up PDG with my health insurance, and do the baseline the next morning and get the show on the road. (all in two days)
i was in. and so was hubs.
and then we left the office….. it was too quick. i needed a minute. i wasn't ready.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
j & e
j & e. my boys.
i found out i was pregnant november 15th of last year. we had out first ultrasound on november 29th. there they were. i saw two sacs right away..... my heart jumped.
and then the doctor said the craziest thing ever. he said, "two heartbeats."
"are you sure??"
He zoomed in close and we saw them. 2 perfect heartbeats.
j & e were born on july 11. i was 38 weeks.
they were perfect.
e (on the left) born at 6:35pm. he weighed seven pounds twelve ounces and was 19 inches.
j (on the right) born at 6:36pm. he weighed seven pounds eight ounces and was 19 inches.
they. are. everything.
what if?
so, have you and your hubs ever had the "what if we can't have kids talk"?
i mean the real serious talk... not the casual, it would suck if we couldn't have kids talk, but the real deal, like, "are you going to divorce me, or cheat on me, or have sex with someone else and have a baby with them" talk?
yeah.
we did.
it. was. scary.
and seriously, thats where i was. this was it. our last cycle. and i just didn't think it would work. i was preparing myself for the earth to crack.
so i asked him. "are you going to be ok if we don't have kids? is it going to be enough? just you and me, forever?"
it. was. crazy.
he said he could do it. but just wanted to know if i would be able to do it..... i said i would have to.... it wouldn't matter. i am the one who is broken.... he could go out and find someone else to have babies and run off into the sunset with.
it wouldn't matter.
i would have to be ok.
that sucked.
i mean the real serious talk... not the casual, it would suck if we couldn't have kids talk, but the real deal, like, "are you going to divorce me, or cheat on me, or have sex with someone else and have a baby with them" talk?
yeah.
we did.
it. was. scary.
and seriously, thats where i was. this was it. our last cycle. and i just didn't think it would work. i was preparing myself for the earth to crack.
so i asked him. "are you going to be ok if we don't have kids? is it going to be enough? just you and me, forever?"
it. was. crazy.
he said he could do it. but just wanted to know if i would be able to do it..... i said i would have to.... it wouldn't matter. i am the one who is broken.... he could go out and find someone else to have babies and run off into the sunset with.
it wouldn't matter.
i would have to be ok.
that sucked.
i'm back!
i have missed you all so much!! i have decided i will continue my story here. its so crazy to be here and on the other side. i have so much to update. i want to catch you all up.
my last post was about a cleanse i did last summer. well the cleanse went well. i stayed gluten, sugar, dairy, egg, soy, caffeine, alcohol and corn free for like 30 days..... when my nutritionist hooked me up to a crazy machine after the cleanse she was able to tell me my cells were healthier. (i can't remember details, but that was the gist.) it was much easier than i thought it would be, i felt great at the end, and i am actually planning to do it again after the new year.
during the cleanse last summer we contemplated other doctors. i was feeling like my local doctor, Dr. D., was starting to treat me like a dart board. just throwing needles out there....maybe something will stick. i wasn't really into that. so we decided to talk to a few other docs. i scheduled a phone consult with the doc in las vegas. Dr. Sh.er. and i also set up an appointment with the closest local baby factory.
the las vegas doctor was interesting. i chose him as he specializes in RPL. so we did phone consults, ran blood work (everything under the sun was tested on me and the hubs), and after about a month he called me and said i would never be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant without doing IViG treatment.
ok.
at the same time we were also consulting with the local baby factory. man, this place is a factory. there are like 10 RE's under one roof. well, 6 roofs, as they have offices all over south florida. i chose one of the medical directors and founders of the clinic. he has a glowing reputation in south florida. we did the consult. Dr. H., of course, wanted to run all the labs again, so we did. i was completely drained of blood in the month of july..... i think between both doctors i had been drained of like 30 vials of blood..... whatever. the things we do....right? anyway, after all the testing we went back, AMH was better than previous testing, hubs was showing a little bit of a sperm issue (sorry don't remember the details) other than that we were still inconclusive. so dr. h says, "i don't know jes, we can try it again if you want."
yeah.
thats what he said.
my last post was about a cleanse i did last summer. well the cleanse went well. i stayed gluten, sugar, dairy, egg, soy, caffeine, alcohol and corn free for like 30 days..... when my nutritionist hooked me up to a crazy machine after the cleanse she was able to tell me my cells were healthier. (i can't remember details, but that was the gist.) it was much easier than i thought it would be, i felt great at the end, and i am actually planning to do it again after the new year.
during the cleanse last summer we contemplated other doctors. i was feeling like my local doctor, Dr. D., was starting to treat me like a dart board. just throwing needles out there....maybe something will stick. i wasn't really into that. so we decided to talk to a few other docs. i scheduled a phone consult with the doc in las vegas. Dr. Sh.er. and i also set up an appointment with the closest local baby factory.
the las vegas doctor was interesting. i chose him as he specializes in RPL. so we did phone consults, ran blood work (everything under the sun was tested on me and the hubs), and after about a month he called me and said i would never be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant without doing IViG treatment.
ok.
at the same time we were also consulting with the local baby factory. man, this place is a factory. there are like 10 RE's under one roof. well, 6 roofs, as they have offices all over south florida. i chose one of the medical directors and founders of the clinic. he has a glowing reputation in south florida. we did the consult. Dr. H., of course, wanted to run all the labs again, so we did. i was completely drained of blood in the month of july..... i think between both doctors i had been drained of like 30 vials of blood..... whatever. the things we do....right? anyway, after all the testing we went back, AMH was better than previous testing, hubs was showing a little bit of a sperm issue (sorry don't remember the details) other than that we were still inconclusive. so dr. h says, "i don't know jes, we can try it again if you want."
yeah.
thats what he said.
Monday, November 4, 2013
all i ever wished for....
here they are. all i ever wished for.....
(updates to come!)
i have missed you ladies in my life
xoxo
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
detox/elimination day 14
i can't even believe i have made it 14 days!! 2 weeks seems so long, but the time has just flown by. so far the program has been very easy. i am shocked by so many things....
1. i have not cheated. not even when my 2 year old nephew tried to force me to eat his chocolate chip cookie (he is the best at sharing)
2. i have not freaked out once.... i am the type who gets a craving and thinks about that craving until it is satisfied.
3. i am feeling so so good. better than i had hoped. even AF was easy this month.
so, i've got 14 more days to go. last day of the detox is june 20th. and starting june 22, hubs and i are on vacation!!!! 10 days of no work!!! halleluah! well deserved.
on the baby making front.... i have finally set up some appointments. i have set up 2 second opinions. one with the local baby making factory, and one with a well known doctor out of las vegas who does free consultations. first up, on june 20th, the local baby factory. the doctor i am seeing is the medical director of a large group of RE's, and is very well respected by baby making professionals in south flor.ida, so it should be interesting.
and next, on june 22, a video conference with the doc in las vegas. this doc also seems to be well respected and knowledgable and well versed in reproductive immunology.
i am super anxious to see what both doctors have to say.
i have also scheduled an appointment with dr d..... for june 29th. he is on vacation for the month of july.... so i wanted to get in before he goes away. and maybe start bcp. so if i want to get started with another cycle in august we will be good to go.
so much going on..... its crazy. the break was definitely good for me. but now i am ready.... i just need to figure out what we are doing.
1. i have not cheated. not even when my 2 year old nephew tried to force me to eat his chocolate chip cookie (he is the best at sharing)
2. i have not freaked out once.... i am the type who gets a craving and thinks about that craving until it is satisfied.
3. i am feeling so so good. better than i had hoped. even AF was easy this month.
so, i've got 14 more days to go. last day of the detox is june 20th. and starting june 22, hubs and i are on vacation!!!! 10 days of no work!!! halleluah! well deserved.
on the baby making front.... i have finally set up some appointments. i have set up 2 second opinions. one with the local baby making factory, and one with a well known doctor out of las vegas who does free consultations. first up, on june 20th, the local baby factory. the doctor i am seeing is the medical director of a large group of RE's, and is very well respected by baby making professionals in south flor.ida, so it should be interesting.
and next, on june 22, a video conference with the doc in las vegas. this doc also seems to be well respected and knowledgable and well versed in reproductive immunology.
i am super anxious to see what both doctors have to say.
i have also scheduled an appointment with dr d..... for june 29th. he is on vacation for the month of july.... so i wanted to get in before he goes away. and maybe start bcp. so if i want to get started with another cycle in august we will be good to go.
so much going on..... its crazy. the break was definitely good for me. but now i am ready.... i just need to figure out what we are doing.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
detox day 1
i started seeing a new acupuncturist about a month ago..... she (and my last acupuncturist) suggested i do a "cleanse" or "detox". because of all the toxins my body has been subjected to over the last 32 years. so, i spoke to hubs, got him on board and agreed to it. i didn't ask too many questions and i didn't wait to long. i thought it would be better to just jump right into it.....
so. here we go.
this morning i was set up with a whole bunch of appointments. first, dh and i met with the nutritionist who works out of my acupuncturists office. she laid out the guidelines, told us how the detox works, and took some crazy biometric reading with electrodes.
the results of the biometric scan...... we are not the healthiest people ever.... but we are not the unhealthiest (is that a word) people.
here is the gist....gluten free, soy free, sugar free, dairy free, caffine free, alcohol free, and then there are funny things..... like no corn or corn products, only chicken, turkey, lamb, wild game, and fish.
i am required to eat protien at every meal. and 4-6 cups of leafy greens every day. also the detox includes a package of vitamins twice a day and a protien like shake once a day.
after the nutritionist meeting i had an acupuncture treatment. and after that i soaked my feet in a detoxifiying foot bath..... that was some nasty shit. the water just filled up with gunk.
when i left the office i was truly overwhelmed. i went home and cleaned out my fridge and cabinets. i got rid of most temptations....or wrapped them up so they wont be opened until the detox is over.
i also did a little grocery shopping as the cabinets and fridge were basically empty. i was kind of freaking out.
it got better as the day went on.
i have decided to write down what i am eating on here..... mostly for myself. so i have accountablity and dont cheat.
sorry....
breakfast: an apple, pineapple, and watermelon
vitamin pack around 10:15
snack: protien shake
lunch/dinner: ( ate at 4pm) 2 baked boneless skinless chicken thighs, large mixed greens salad with tomato, cucumber, and bell pepper, tossed with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and large baked sweet potato with sea salt
vitamin pack around 6pm
snack: banana
another snack: puffed rice cereal with rice milk, blueberries and agave nectar.(yum, yum, yum)
symptoms: funny feeling in throat most of the day (sore, difficulty swallowing) mild headache most of the evening and feeling tired. sore neck around 10pm.
so. here we go.
this morning i was set up with a whole bunch of appointments. first, dh and i met with the nutritionist who works out of my acupuncturists office. she laid out the guidelines, told us how the detox works, and took some crazy biometric reading with electrodes.
the results of the biometric scan...... we are not the healthiest people ever.... but we are not the unhealthiest (is that a word) people.
here is the gist....gluten free, soy free, sugar free, dairy free, caffine free, alcohol free, and then there are funny things..... like no corn or corn products, only chicken, turkey, lamb, wild game, and fish.
i am required to eat protien at every meal. and 4-6 cups of leafy greens every day. also the detox includes a package of vitamins twice a day and a protien like shake once a day.
after the nutritionist meeting i had an acupuncture treatment. and after that i soaked my feet in a detoxifiying foot bath..... that was some nasty shit. the water just filled up with gunk.
when i left the office i was truly overwhelmed. i went home and cleaned out my fridge and cabinets. i got rid of most temptations....or wrapped them up so they wont be opened until the detox is over.
i also did a little grocery shopping as the cabinets and fridge were basically empty. i was kind of freaking out.
it got better as the day went on.
i have decided to write down what i am eating on here..... mostly for myself. so i have accountablity and dont cheat.
sorry....
breakfast: an apple, pineapple, and watermelon
vitamin pack around 10:15
snack: protien shake
lunch/dinner: ( ate at 4pm) 2 baked boneless skinless chicken thighs, large mixed greens salad with tomato, cucumber, and bell pepper, tossed with balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and large baked sweet potato with sea salt
vitamin pack around 6pm
snack: banana
another snack: puffed rice cereal with rice milk, blueberries and agave nectar.(yum, yum, yum)
symptoms: funny feeling in throat most of the day (sore, difficulty swallowing) mild headache most of the evening and feeling tired. sore neck around 10pm.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
no stone left unturned
thats the plan.
thats what we decided after my wtf appt in march. no stone left unturned....
so, i was terrified before our wtf appt that dr. d. was going to say it was time to move on. i was so scared he was going to suggest donor eggs and giving up on my body. but, he didnt.
i. was. shocked.
so we went through my chart. we talked about all of it. including hubs and my thoughts of looking for a new doctor. we laid it all out on the table and dr d said what i needed to hear. he told me he was committed to us. and was willing to do whatever it takes to get us a take home baby.
he made a few suggestions, and after talking for a while we came up with a plan.
no stone left unturned.
i have had every test under the sun. (including all immunological tests)
hubs has also had testing done.... i mean its not that much, but SA continues to be rock star like and recently we did a DNA fragmentation test. which came back normal.
i have completed part one of a two part physical with my GP. just waiting on bloodwork to come back.
and i have started going back to acupuncture. a new acupuncturist. who i love. the next month with my acupuncturist will be pretty intense. 28 day elimination diet, meetings with a nutritionist, weekly b-12 injections, weekly footbaths, and biweekly acupuncture treatments. i think she heard me when i said "no stone left unturned".
i am also planning to speak to at least one other clinic. maybe two.
at my wtf i told dr d that i like him, and i like his clinic, but i had concerns about what else we could be doing..... he suggested i speak to other doctors, and if they make suggestions that he had not thought of..... he would without a doubt consider their ideas.
so i am thinking about a consult with dr. sher. its free..... there is nothing to loose.
and a consult with one other clinic that is somewhat local.
can you think of a stone, rock, or boulder that i have not thought of??? what do you think of my ideas??
p.s. please forgive any crazy type-o's or strange ramblings. i havent blogged in so long and this new blogger format has totally messed me up.
thats what we decided after my wtf appt in march. no stone left unturned....
so, i was terrified before our wtf appt that dr. d. was going to say it was time to move on. i was so scared he was going to suggest donor eggs and giving up on my body. but, he didnt.
i. was. shocked.
so we went through my chart. we talked about all of it. including hubs and my thoughts of looking for a new doctor. we laid it all out on the table and dr d said what i needed to hear. he told me he was committed to us. and was willing to do whatever it takes to get us a take home baby.
he made a few suggestions, and after talking for a while we came up with a plan.
no stone left unturned.
i have had every test under the sun. (including all immunological tests)
hubs has also had testing done.... i mean its not that much, but SA continues to be rock star like and recently we did a DNA fragmentation test. which came back normal.
i have completed part one of a two part physical with my GP. just waiting on bloodwork to come back.
and i have started going back to acupuncture. a new acupuncturist. who i love. the next month with my acupuncturist will be pretty intense. 28 day elimination diet, meetings with a nutritionist, weekly b-12 injections, weekly footbaths, and biweekly acupuncture treatments. i think she heard me when i said "no stone left unturned".
i am also planning to speak to at least one other clinic. maybe two.
at my wtf i told dr d that i like him, and i like his clinic, but i had concerns about what else we could be doing..... he suggested i speak to other doctors, and if they make suggestions that he had not thought of..... he would without a doubt consider their ideas.
so i am thinking about a consult with dr. sher. its free..... there is nothing to loose.
and a consult with one other clinic that is somewhat local.
can you think of a stone, rock, or boulder that i have not thought of??? what do you think of my ideas??
p.s. please forgive any crazy type-o's or strange ramblings. i havent blogged in so long and this new blogger format has totally messed me up.
Monday, May 21, 2012
iclw may 2012
welcome iclw'ers!!
thanks for stopping by.
and to all my old blog friends...."hi". thanks to those who have checked in on me. and sent me your kind words..... im ok. trying to be ok.
so....for those who are here for the first time. here is some history.....that was my iclw welcome from november.
since then i have had yet another failed ivf cycle. a chemical. in february.
it rocked me. to. the. core.
i think this is my fourth blog post since then. i just needed a break. for a while i stopped blogging all together. not even reading any blogs. a couple weeks ago, i started to follow along. amazed at all the things that can change in 6 weeks. while i continue to feel like i am standing still.
i signed up for this months iclw in an attempt to find a few new blogs..... all my bloggy friends keep getting knocked up. and while i am truly happy for all these ladies i am still stuck in the struggle. and i need some support. support for an upcoming cycle, and also, starting thursday, support for a 28 day elimination/detox that my acupuncturist has prescribed.
gluten free/dairy free/sugar free/alcohol free/caffeine free.
i am determined..... but this is going to be wicked hard for me. hubs is going to join me on this cleanse.... but if you have some words of wisdom.... any support is appreciated.
i look forward to finding a few new bloggy friends this week..... happy iclw..
xoxo
p.s. this new blogger format SUCKS!
thanks for stopping by.
and to all my old blog friends...."hi". thanks to those who have checked in on me. and sent me your kind words..... im ok. trying to be ok.
so....for those who are here for the first time. here is some history.....that was my iclw welcome from november.
since then i have had yet another failed ivf cycle. a chemical. in february.
it rocked me. to. the. core.
i think this is my fourth blog post since then. i just needed a break. for a while i stopped blogging all together. not even reading any blogs. a couple weeks ago, i started to follow along. amazed at all the things that can change in 6 weeks. while i continue to feel like i am standing still.
i signed up for this months iclw in an attempt to find a few new blogs..... all my bloggy friends keep getting knocked up. and while i am truly happy for all these ladies i am still stuck in the struggle. and i need some support. support for an upcoming cycle, and also, starting thursday, support for a 28 day elimination/detox that my acupuncturist has prescribed.
gluten free/dairy free/sugar free/alcohol free/caffeine free.
i am determined..... but this is going to be wicked hard for me. hubs is going to join me on this cleanse.... but if you have some words of wisdom.... any support is appreciated.
i look forward to finding a few new bloggy friends this week..... happy iclw..
xoxo
p.s. this new blogger format SUCKS!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
ugh
a girl i work with is preggo.
she is 26. she has been dating the father of the baby since december.
she got pregnant the first time they had sex.
UGH......
she is 26. she has been dating the father of the baby since december.
she got pregnant the first time they had sex.
UGH......
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
where im at
i have to apologize right up front.... my mind is all over the place, so, this post is surely going to run in a million different directions.
it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.
over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.
AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work
i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.
so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......
- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.
along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.
today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).
and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.
i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.
.
it has been two and a half weeks since we found out our last ivf cycle resulted in another chemical pregnancy. my dear hubs was out of town on business during both betas. i had my bff's husband giving me the PIO shots while hubs was away. that friday after i got the call with bad news, i was unable to talk to anyone. i was a wreck. bff texted me to find out what time i would be coming over for my shot. all i could say was, "no shot". bff tried to console me. i wasn't able to speak to anyone the rest of the day. and the following day i looked forward to work. so i could not be in my head for a few hours.
over the next week i was happy to work because at work i can be someone else, not many people there know about my struggle and those who do know don't ask any queations thankfully. when i wasn't working..... i was a mess. i am still kind of a mess.
AF came on february 14th. on february 15th i went for day 3 blood work
i went to the resolve support group that i had posted about. it made me feel even more crazy and confused. i was the youngest person there. which made me feel like shit. the next youngest person was 3 years older and everyone else was 39-41. and of the 6 other women there..... i was the only one who had experienced any kind of pregnancy from any form of fertility treatment. those women didn't understand my feelings of loss. i mean. they were so over sympathetic to my loss. it made me feel strange. these women were in such different places than me..... but i learned a lot from them. one major takeaway was information about the big ivf clinic that is local. i was the only one not going there. they made me feel so much better about my decision to not be there.... and made me scared about going there in the future if necessary.
even though it was uncomfortable, i think i will go back, i think i need to give it one more shot. i was at least nice to talk to other women who are feeling the same things i am feeling.
so in the last almost 3 weeks, i only think about the future. where do we stand. what happens next. what the fuck.
here are some of my ideas, thoughts, and questions......
- i like dr. d. but is it time to move on? do we find a baby factory clinic and give up the personalized attention for 10% higher success rates?
- my amh is low.... fsh is normal. is it time to give up on my eggs? i don't think im ready for donor eggs.....
- we have done two different protocols....antagonist-successful with 3 ivf cycles. 1st cycle 7 fertilized eggs. 2nd cycle 8 fertilized eggs. 3rd cycle 3 fertilized eggs. long lupron- unsuccessful. resulted in 2 lead follies and a cancelled cycle as i did not want to convert to iui. do we ask about another protocol?
- CCRM. they are reproductive magicians. in 2010 their live birth rates for women my age was over 70%! seriously. magicians.
- dr. d tested me for a couple clotting disorders and autoimmune issues. all came back within normal ranges. but, maybe a reproductive immunologist would have some different ideas about the continued losses? i mean, 2 chemicals and a blighted ovum. enough is enough.
along with these thoughts/questions, i have also started to have true feelings that i might never become a mother. or that maybe i am done. both of these feelings scare the living daylights out of me. but, i think it's impossible for me to not have these feelings.
today i called to see if my blood work was in. FSH 7.5 and AMH .56. (maybe scary to some but good news for me! last time i did day 3 blood work my AMH came back at .24) (normal is anything about 1).
and i finally scheduled my WTF. next wednesday at 1pm.
i need your thoughts ladies..... i need your ideas.... what do you think?
i just don't think im ready to give up on my eggs.
.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
resolve support group
i was just looking around the resolve website and found a support group in my area....
it's meeting tonight.
has anyone ever gaone to one of these?
what do you think?
maybe i will go?
it's meeting tonight.
has anyone ever gaone to one of these?
what do you think?
maybe i will go?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
cd2 and a gift
thats right.....cd 2. my valentines day gift.....af.
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.
when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.
so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.
i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.
hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.
when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.
so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.
i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.
hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!
Monday, February 13, 2012
im not ok
nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.
there are more.
but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.
bad
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.
there are more.
but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.
bad
Friday, February 10, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
here's the story
hubs is away. and the day we started stims i just knew our beta would happen while he was out of the state. and of course on the day of transfer when they gave us our beta date....it was when hubs is away. i didn't even fight it. i knew they wouldn't move it up.... not for that. so i was ok for a while.
and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.
so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.
tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?
i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)
i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful rainbow.....it was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.
this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.
i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.
i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.
i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own schedule...it's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.
i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.
so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.
also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.
and then i started to spot. and then it got really real....what if it's negative. and hubs isn't here. so. i talked to hubs. (i made him a promise a while ago, during the 2ww of our 1st ivf cycle, no more pee sticks. no testing before beta...)
i asked him what he thought....since he is going to be away.... i just didn't want a negative test and no shoulder to cry on.
we talked.... and decided i would test early.
so i tested on monday.... after i came home from work early. i held my pee as long as i could. it was light. but it was positive.
i was ok. stilll scared, because it was so light. but ok.
tueaday morning, hubs left around 5:30. as soon as he was out the door, i tested again. it was so light on monday.... i had to see if i was getting darker. and it wasn't.. it was so much lighter.....barely there.
i was destroyed.
i spent the day in bed. mostly in tears. thinking of our next step.... where do we go from here. donor eggs? CCRM? another break?
i worked late yesterday. and needed help with my shot. the only person around was BFF's husband. we had set it up monday night. he was going to give me my shot before work around 4 o'clock. (that's a funny story for another post). i showed up. he asked how i was.....and i just started sobbing. again. he was a wreck. i was a wreck.
i told him that i was convinced it was a chemical. i explained the lighter than the day before pee stick, and he said i needed to relax. i was getting too worked up.... and told me to stop peeing on tests. (its so funny... i think all men feel that way...just stop peeing on tests!!)
i got it together sort of. i had to work. when i was leaving BFF's house i saw the most beautiful rainbow.....it was so sunny and raining so hard. like there wasn't a cloud in the sky. it gave me an inch of hope. luckily, i made it through work without crying or loosing my mind.... thanks to you ladies and your support.
this morning, i tested again. darker than yesterday....and maybe darker than monday. WTF!
i got dressed and went to dr.d's office.
i told nurse k i cheated. i told her it was positive. she was so happy. she knew i was terrified. and thank god, she understood why. to me, a positive beta is still completely terrifying...... my body was shaking as she drew my blood. dr. d came and said hi....i'm sure he saw my terror as well.
k hugged me and told me i had to relax.... my whole body was shaking.
i left.... and told the receptionist i would see her on friday... she knew i had tested.
i don't work on beta days. i never have. (i work in a restaurant...and write my own schedule...it's easy to make that happen). so i planned today to go to an outlet mall about an hour away. something to do. and something to occupy my time. so i wasn't making myself crazy at home. i shopped a little. and then i was tired.
i was home for about 10 minutes when dr. d called. he said, "we have a positive pregnancy test" i asked for the number. "40".
okay. i asked if he was ok with that number. he said the rise is more important. he said it was ok. but not concerned with today's number....he wants to see friday's number.
so today. i am a "knocked up hot mess".
thank you ladies for all your support.
also today.... i am the self-proclaimed "queen of the low beta"
we just need an 80 on friday.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Hot mess
That's me. Hot fucking mess. I can't get it together today.
Hubs left for a business trip this morning. Won't be back til Sunday. I have to get through beta's without him. And quite frankly.... I'm not feeling too hopeful today.
I've cried several times today. Once in the shower.... Sobs.
I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work. Trying to pull myself together. Hopefully it's busy so my mind will be occupied for a few hours.
Hubs left for a business trip this morning. Won't be back til Sunday. I have to get through beta's without him. And quite frankly.... I'm not feeling too hopeful today.
I've cried several times today. Once in the shower.... Sobs.
I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work. Trying to pull myself together. Hopefully it's busy so my mind will be occupied for a few hours.
Monday, February 6, 2012
13dp3dt
still in the wait..... waiting forever!! i tried to get my clinic to let me have beta today.... no such luck.
my last two ivf cycles i have kept track of symptoms each day during my 2ww. this time i didn't. partially because i didn't want to make myself crazy thinking about symptoms, and partially because i was being lazy.
but i just want to write a few things down.... this is more for me than anything else. but read on if you want
sat 11dp3dt- felt pretty good. boobs still sore only on the sides and sensitive nipples. was tired during the day.... rested until work at 5. during work was super thirsty but felt pretty good. sleeping has been crappy. difficult to be comfortable all night.
sun 12dp3dt- worked during the day. felt good in morning.... very hungry. around 1:30 started to get cramps. was supposed to work until 5. left at 3 because of cramping. went home to lay down for a while.....felt ok. went to friends for superbowl....spent the whole time on the couch....cramping and feeling cold. got up only to eat and pee. home by 8. in bed by 8:30. still cramping. took some tylenol to help with cramps and mild headache. woke up once to pee in the night. again difficulty sleeping all night.
mon 13dp3dt- up again to pee at 7:30. spotting. brown. just barely a little red. FREAKED OUT!! wiped about a million times after that.... continue spotting but only brown. cramping continues. also in am lots of sneezing and nose blowing.
called dr office on the way to work. they told me to go home. went to work, was there for about 15 min and got sent home. boss said to leave. home and in bed by 11:30. stil cramping, but going to rest the rest of the day.
please please please let this be good. please.
my last two ivf cycles i have kept track of symptoms each day during my 2ww. this time i didn't. partially because i didn't want to make myself crazy thinking about symptoms, and partially because i was being lazy.
but i just want to write a few things down.... this is more for me than anything else. but read on if you want
sat 11dp3dt- felt pretty good. boobs still sore only on the sides and sensitive nipples. was tired during the day.... rested until work at 5. during work was super thirsty but felt pretty good. sleeping has been crappy. difficult to be comfortable all night.
sun 12dp3dt- worked during the day. felt good in morning.... very hungry. around 1:30 started to get cramps. was supposed to work until 5. left at 3 because of cramping. went home to lay down for a while.....felt ok. went to friends for superbowl....spent the whole time on the couch....cramping and feeling cold. got up only to eat and pee. home by 8. in bed by 8:30. still cramping. took some tylenol to help with cramps and mild headache. woke up once to pee in the night. again difficulty sleeping all night.
mon 13dp3dt- up again to pee at 7:30. spotting. brown. just barely a little red. FREAKED OUT!! wiped about a million times after that.... continue spotting but only brown. cramping continues. also in am lots of sneezing and nose blowing.
called dr office on the way to work. they told me to go home. went to work, was there for about 15 min and got sent home. boss said to leave. home and in bed by 11:30. stil cramping, but going to rest the rest of the day.
please please please let this be good. please.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
TVT
its TVT..... the 2ww version.
also known as SVT!
:-)
- today we are 8dp3dt...beta is forever from now
- P4 checked yesterday.... nurse k was super excited when she called with results. 56.76
- super weepy lately....cried during "live with kelly" today (seriously)
- major cramping the last 2 days
- if i had a dollar for every time i have squeezed, pushed, or grabbed my boobs to see if they hurt.... i would be able to pay for several IVF cycles... they still hurt....and are feeling a little on the hard side
- indigestion.... which i HATE!! thank god for tums
- today i had super light spotting at work... i kind of freaked out.... i tried to keep cool at first, but it wasn't happening. i knew it could be good news but i still freaked. called hubs. he told me to relax, and said if i can't relax i should call the doctors office so they can tell me its ok.
i called. spoke to nurse k...as i knew she would she said it was ok, and probably good. she said i should relax and sit with my feet up for a few minutes..... i work in a restaurant...hard to do, but i made it happen. and got out of work a little early, so i could go home and relax.
- i had the nurse draw a diagram on my back so hubs is making sure he is putting my shots in the right place. there have been a couple days where i just knew....because of the pain...it was totally in the wrong place. and a couple days where there was bleeding. nurse k said if i was bleeding it is definitely in the wrong spot, and possibly hitting a nerve....... explains some of my PIO pain.
- thanks for all your support ladies!!! you make the wait a little less evil
also known as SVT!
:-)
- today we are 8dp3dt...beta is forever from now
- P4 checked yesterday.... nurse k was super excited when she called with results. 56.76
- super weepy lately....cried during "live with kelly" today (seriously)
- major cramping the last 2 days
- if i had a dollar for every time i have squeezed, pushed, or grabbed my boobs to see if they hurt.... i would be able to pay for several IVF cycles... they still hurt....and are feeling a little on the hard side
- indigestion.... which i HATE!! thank god for tums
- today i had super light spotting at work... i kind of freaked out.... i tried to keep cool at first, but it wasn't happening. i knew it could be good news but i still freaked. called hubs. he told me to relax, and said if i can't relax i should call the doctors office so they can tell me its ok.
i called. spoke to nurse k...as i knew she would she said it was ok, and probably good. she said i should relax and sit with my feet up for a few minutes..... i work in a restaurant...hard to do, but i made it happen. and got out of work a little early, so i could go home and relax.
- i had the nurse draw a diagram on my back so hubs is making sure he is putting my shots in the right place. there have been a couple days where i just knew....because of the pain...it was totally in the wrong place. and a couple days where there was bleeding. nurse k said if i was bleeding it is definitely in the wrong spot, and possibly hitting a nerve....... explains some of my PIO pain.
- thanks for all your support ladies!!! you make the wait a little less evil
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