cd2 and a gift

thats right.....cd 2. my valentines day gift.....af.
and you know she was full of fury and vengeance.....fucking bitch.

when i had spoken to dr. d on friday. when he called with the bad news, he asked me to do day 2-4 labs again. i am convinced this is because last time i did day 3 labs my amh was .24 (really bad), and when my amh comes back terrible again, he can tell us it's time to move on.... to give up on my eggs.
his clinic has great results with de ivf, and he hinted towards DE at our last WTF appt...i just know thats where he is headed.

so off to the lab i went. fsh, lh, amh, tsh, prolactin, e2....there might have been more. the phlebotamist told me that i was beginning to develop scar tissue on the poor little vein that we always use for blood work. i told him it was a tired little vein...."used and abused." once they get the results we will schedule a WTF appt. maybe the labs will loose my blood.... or maybe it will take forever to process.

i am not ready to hear what i think dr. d has to say.

hubs and i got a gift today. from a fellow IF couple.
a beautiful gift basket with 2 bottles of wine!! they know of our struggles, and have been so supportive to hubs and i for the last two years. it made my day!!
love them!

im not ok

nope. not ok. every time i am alone, i cry. there are so many crazy thoughts swimming around in my head. so many scary thoughts, and sad thoughts. i am terrified.
what if i never get my family.
what if this never works.
what if dr.d tells me my eggs are done, old, no longer usable.
what if another doctor says the same thing.
what if my hubs regrets marrying me. because i can't make a baby.
what if i turn into a bitter old lady with no family. no one to love.

there are more.

but no. i am not ok.
my heart hurts.
bad