a bittersweet anniversary

this is the 3rd time i have tried to write this post today......

2 years ago today i quit smoking.

it has been one of the hardest things i have ever done. i quit because it was the right thing to do. i gained motivation from all the people who didn't think i could do it (whether they said so or not). i did it because it is a filthy disgusting habit.

i loved cigarettes. i think i still love cigarettes, even though i haven't held one to my lips in 730 days.

we decided to start trying to have a baby and DH thought i should give up the marlboro lights. i was devastated. but i knew it was the right thing. i mean, i knew that i don't want to raise children in a home where smoking is acceptable. it's not. i also knew how bad it is during pregnancy. the thought of a precious little creature growing inside my body, and once in a while that precious creature would have to swim around in an amniotic sac filled with smoke.... basically repulsive.

i called my hypnotherapist.... (used in the past for many different reasons) i knew that if i meant business, the only way i would actually quit was with assistance. Alice was my assistance. DH calls it the "5 most expensive naps" and basically, they were expensive naps. but, it wasn't terrible. alice gave me more than unconscious suggestion. she also gave me real life tools, and tips to get through it.

i am amazed at my will power and discipline.

for a while it was easy, but i think as time goes on, it gets harder. it's the thought that i have gone "x" amount of time, i probably won't like it. or. i can just have one. it's crazy. it's an addiction. it will always be part of who i am.

it's bittersweet because i didn't know what i know now. i didn't know that we wouldn't have a child in 2009. or 2010. i didn't know the pain and sadness i would feel. i didn't know giving myself injections in the belly would create an unbelievable desire to smoke a cigarette. i didn't know the person i would soon become. i didn't know that being a non-smoker would somehow make me think about being an infertile....