back to the drawing board

i had this feeling during most of the 2ww. i guess it started about 5 days after the transfer. i had a feeling it hadn't worked. mostly because my boobs didn't hurt. because my boobs always hurt. i mean always. and there was nothing. but also, it just wasn't the same. i felt too normal, and i was pretty sad about it. i didn't say anything to dh.... i just hoped that i was wrong. still looking for symptoms up until the day before my beta.... then i thought there was a chance.

on tuesday night (the night before my beta) as i was driving home from work i called dh and told him i wanted to POAS. he was not excited and tried to hang up on me. i told him i just wanted it to be us. i said i felt like it wasn't fair.... like we have been cheated out of the experience.... eventually he understood and said ok. i needed his approval for some reason just to buy the damn pee sticks. so i stopped at the drug store and picked up a box of FRER. as soon as i had paid for them i felt like it was wrong, like it was a bad idea.

i got home and we just stared at the box.

we were both too terrified.

i decided to wait.

wednesday morning i woke up nauseous. (it was probably nerves) but it made me hopeful. we went to dr. d's and had blood drawn. when we left, dh went to work, and i went to the beach. i just needed a minute. to breath.
after the beach i went home. and POAS. one line. i hate that fucking line. as soon as i saw it i remembered why we decided no more pee sticks in the house. FUCK!!

i tossed the stick and laid in bed. googling. i looked up fertility clinics all over the U.S. looking at clinics with the highest success rates. and thought about how we manage a cycle in pennsylvania, or texas, or colorado. i wondered if the doctor's in those clinics are wizards or magicians. i thought about how we were going to make this shit happen. i thought about what i could have done wrong. (i know it's not my fault). i didn't cry.

around 1:30 dr. d called. i don't even know what he said. i just remember him saying "i'm sorry". we were probably on the phone for 10 minutes..... i couldn't even concentrate.

i waited a little bit and called dh.

he offered to come home. i said if he wanted to he should, but i was ok. and i think i was.

we had plans for dinner that night. it was rosh hashana. happy fucking new year to me. (not what i had hoped for the new year.). dh asked if i wanted to go still. if he should tell his parents we weren't coming. after i thought about it, i decided i wanted to go. i wanted to eat and drink wine. and drink wine i did. my MIL made sure of that. it was nice. she didn't say a thing (they know everything) she just kept pouring me wine. we got home and i was out....

thursday morning was tough. i just kept telling myself i had to make it through the day. i did. but it wasn't easy.

as i walked in the door from work on thursday i was sobbing.

i haven't scheduled our WTF appt yet. i am not doing it this week. maybe next week.

and then we will see. i am pretty sure we will be sticking with dr. d. and i will be looking into some new accupuncturists.

but basically, we are headed back to the drawing board.