WTF Appt

we had it today.

i called yesterday to schedule it.... thinking i had time to finish up on some research i hard started... turns out dr. d is going to a fertility conference tomorrow, so they scheduled it for today. so ready or not, we went. i walked into dr. d's office and he said, "i'm really glad you are still smiling.". meanwhile i was a little scared dh was going to punch dr. d in the head if he didn't hear things he wanted to.

so here it is.... the facts as we know them.
- ivf #1- antagonist protocol. 9 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. ok quality embryos. transferred 2 at day 3. two made to blast and frozen at day 5. biochemical pregnancy. methotrexate shot.
-ivf #2- cancelled due to 2 lead follicles nothing else worth retrieving. (long lupron protocol)
-fet #1- 2 day 5 partially hatched embryos transferred. good quality. pregnancy. blighted ovum. d&c. karyotyping of products of conception came back as normal.
-ivf #3- antagonist protocol higher dosage of meds. 8 follicles retrieved. 7 fertilized. 2 good quality embryos, 5 not so great. transferred one perfect (no fragmentation) and one very good embryo on day 3. nothing left to freeze.
- AMH is officially low. (.29) FSH is normal
- all other testing has come back within acceptable levels.

the plan
- barrage of testing. dr. d thinks this could be an egg quality issue (low AMH) and also could be an implantation issue.
testing to be done for immune issues related to implantation, as well as clotting disorders. also i asked for karyotyping for both me and dh. (dr. d didn't think it would show anything, but will do it.)
- i mentioned the trouble at transfer time. (being dilated during transfer and the stress that might have caused). dr. d suggested another hysteroscopy to open my cervix back up, and also endometrial biopsy (again to look for implantation issues).
- continue on all vitamins...prenatal, dha, melatonin. add dhea (50mg in morning 25mg at night). dr. d said i could do coq10 if i wanted, but did not think it would help.
-next cycle. higher dosage of meds(same protocol)..... try to get more follicles. no pgd(embryos won't make it...they are better off inside me) day 3 transfer of at least 3 embryos. acupuncture.
- me- i'm going to take care of myself. healthy diet. excersize and yoga. a little red wine every once in a while. little caffiene (i drink 1 cup of decaf almost every day). acupuncture and happy thoughts

i feel good. i am happy with the way things went today. dr. d is doing all the testing i wanted done. (mostly his idea.... just a few things that i brought up). the bottom line is..... i just want this to work.

back to the drawing board

i had this feeling during most of the 2ww. i guess it started about 5 days after the transfer. i had a feeling it hadn't worked. mostly because my boobs didn't hurt. because my boobs always hurt. i mean always. and there was nothing. but also, it just wasn't the same. i felt too normal, and i was pretty sad about it. i didn't say anything to dh.... i just hoped that i was wrong. still looking for symptoms up until the day before my beta.... then i thought there was a chance.

on tuesday night (the night before my beta) as i was driving home from work i called dh and told him i wanted to POAS. he was not excited and tried to hang up on me. i told him i just wanted it to be us. i said i felt like it wasn't fair.... like we have been cheated out of the experience.... eventually he understood and said ok. i needed his approval for some reason just to buy the damn pee sticks. so i stopped at the drug store and picked up a box of FRER. as soon as i had paid for them i felt like it was wrong, like it was a bad idea.

i got home and we just stared at the box.

we were both too terrified.

i decided to wait.

wednesday morning i woke up nauseous. (it was probably nerves) but it made me hopeful. we went to dr. d's and had blood drawn. when we left, dh went to work, and i went to the beach. i just needed a minute. to breath.
after the beach i went home. and POAS. one line. i hate that fucking line. as soon as i saw it i remembered why we decided no more pee sticks in the house. FUCK!!

i tossed the stick and laid in bed. googling. i looked up fertility clinics all over the U.S. looking at clinics with the highest success rates. and thought about how we manage a cycle in pennsylvania, or texas, or colorado. i wondered if the doctor's in those clinics are wizards or magicians. i thought about how we were going to make this shit happen. i thought about what i could have done wrong. (i know it's not my fault). i didn't cry.

around 1:30 dr. d called. i don't even know what he said. i just remember him saying "i'm sorry". we were probably on the phone for 10 minutes..... i couldn't even concentrate.

i waited a little bit and called dh.

he offered to come home. i said if he wanted to he should, but i was ok. and i think i was.

we had plans for dinner that night. it was rosh hashana. happy fucking new year to me. (not what i had hoped for the new year.). dh asked if i wanted to go still. if he should tell his parents we weren't coming. after i thought about it, i decided i wanted to go. i wanted to eat and drink wine. and drink wine i did. my MIL made sure of that. it was nice. she didn't say a thing (they know everything) she just kept pouring me wine. we got home and i was out....

thursday morning was tough. i just kept telling myself i had to make it through the day. i did. but it wasn't easy.

as i walked in the door from work on thursday i was sobbing.

i haven't scheduled our WTF appt yet. i am not doing it this week. maybe next week.

and then we will see. i am pretty sure we will be sticking with dr. d. and i will be looking into some new accupuncturists.

but basically, we are headed back to the drawing board.

beta day

BFN

PUPO

i woke up early today.... probably nerves. got ready... i was super nervous this time.
we left early for transfer so dh could stop at work to tie up some things before his long weekend.
we left dh's work around 9:10.... i took 2 valium, and started drinking water. i finished one 16 oz bottle of water around 9:35.

we got to dr. d's office at 9:45. the valium had kicked in and i was happy.

they took me back, got me situated and checked my bladder. not full enough. so i had to drink more water. they had me drink two more glasses of water before i was full enough.

dr.d brought in the picture of our embabies.....he said they were the nicest embryos we have ever had!!!! then he told me he didn't think the others would make it, and we probably wouldn't have anything to freeze. (i'm not going to worry about this now..... we don't need to.... this is GOING TO WORK!)

so he told me the drill and then we got started. usually, because of the cervical stenosis, my transfers are not picture perfect, but we get it done. this time it wasn't happening. two different nurses tried to find the catheter with the ultrasound, plus dr. d. it was impossible. then they found it, and dr. d realized it wasn't going into my ute.... it was stuck somewhere in the cervical canal. dr d asked the embryologist to put the embabies back in the incubator. and explained to me that he was going to dilate my cervix and try again in a little bit. he said i would have cramping for about an hour after dilation, so i was just going to hang out until it stopped. we would refill my bladder and start over. he was funny, he said, "these embryos are perfect, and i just don't want to risk anything. the only place they belong is in your uterus."
i asked if it was going to hurt....he said i would feel some cramping.

so then he did the dilation.

wowza!!! cramping!! not really the word. it felt like an ear piercing when the hole closes up, and you have to jam an earring in there.....

except. it. was. in. my. cervix.

WOW!

i took deep breaths and got through it. thank god for valium.
they let me up to pee and then we waited.
i think i started drinking water too soon. after a glass and a half of water i was FULL! dr d asked it i was cramping to or if i just had a full bladder. i told him i wasn't sure if the cramping was because of the bladder or the dilation....i had to pee bad. they had me lay and checked my bladder on ultrasound..... dr. d said he could see how full my bladder was just by looking at my belly.
they checked..... too full..... "just empty a little".

those are the funniest words ever to a woman on valium who has got to pee so bad it hurts.
dh came with me..... and told me when to stop.

i laid down for a few more minutes.... the cramping was finally over.
dr. d came back and asked if we were ready. i said yup and he yelled through the office, "TRANSFER!" all the nurses came running back.

transfer take two went well. almost like a normal transfer. i kept calm and collected the whole time.... i'm quite proud of myself.
in dr. d's office they catheterize to empty the bladder after transfers..... as this is my third transfer, i am used to it.... and it doesn't really hurt at all.... but it seemed to take forever for my bladder to empty.... dr. d stayed and chatted with us and then we had no more small talk left... it was awkward for a couple minutes, but finally my bladder was empty. they made me comfortable and everyone left room.
i put on my relaxing music....and was asleep in no time. dh said i probably slept for about 40 minutes. when the nurse came in to get me, she had to wake me up. everyone was happy i slept. especially me.

dh was anxious to get home.... he kept saying i just want you to be in our bed now. we were on our way home at 1:15.
we got home and dh made me a nice warming lunch. tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich....Yum.

now i am just relaxing... happy our babes are with me.... and praying they stick around, forever.

here is their first photo.... i love them already <3

(not the best quality photo... it's a picture of a picture. sorry)

Transfer done!!!

My 2 perfect embabies are home with me. Transfer was not as easy as it has been in the past. I will write about it later, and post a picture of our embies....
Right now I am going to rest and make sure these two are comfy and ready for the long haul.
:-)

Fertilization report

So there is good news and not so good news.....
First the not so good.... When we started talking about this cycle we had all agreed on a 5 day transfer. Recently dr d made major changes to the way they do things. They have gone back to PIO for all patients and I am now finding out that they have decided to do only day 3 transfers. I am definitely a little disappointed as we were expecting the other.... I am waiting for dr d to call me back so we can talk about it.... I just want to understand his decision.

The good news..... Of the 8 eggs retrieved... 7 fertilized!!!
We are so happy!!!
YAY!!
(please excuse me if this post is crazy....typed it on my iPhone)

retrieval day

not feeling so hot, but wanted to thank everyone for the kind words of encouragement, and your thoughts, hopes and prayers..... it means so much...xoxo
they got 8 eggs, and hubs has super sperm.
they will call tomorrow with the fertilization report
we made babies today <3

a little nervous

hoping it's a smooth and easy morning.....
your prayers are appreciated tomorrow morning :-)
xoxo

dreaming of these beautiful slippers......wish i had them for after the retrieval!

trigger - DONE

i am celebrating our trigger!! last time we did an ivf cycle, we didn't make it this far. so YAY!!!

another ultrasound today......

lining: 10.5
right ovary: still one, but it's a good one @ 23
left ovary: 21,19,18,18,18 and 28!!!! no wonder i feel like i'm gonna pop at any minute!

hubs did some research and found out how big a millimeter is..... a dime is 17 millimeters, and a nickel is 21.
so basically, i've got about $1's worth of follies in my ovaries

here are some of my follies! xoxo

so bloated

really. just. so. bloated.
every time i unzip my pants i feel better. every time i pee, it feels like there is a battle going on inside. a battle between my ovaries and my bladder. my bladder is winning though :-) i just keep drinking.....lots of water

back to dr. d this morning.
lining : 10
right ovary: still one follie....it's at 21
left ovary: they counted 12 follies ths morning! 21,19,18,16,16,15 plus a few smaller.

dr. d wanted to wait and see what my bloodwork looked like before making a decision about when to trigger. so they gave me instructions for plan a, and plan b. as it's friday, they covered all the bases.

plan a: trigger tonight, retrieval sunday morning.
plan b: trigger saturday night, retrieval monday morning.

i was a little stressed about the thought of triggering tonight.....with only 4 follies big enough, it made me kind of sad. waiting one exrta day for the 16's to catch up would make me so much more happy. i took the long way home.....i was going to drive along the beach (always calms me down) on my drive home the follies started another battle against the bladder. i had to detour off the beach and haul ass home.

it felt like the afternoon took forever, but finally they called.
plan b!!! YAY!!
E2: 1325 P4: stayed about the same....yesterday it was someting like .38
they split up my menopur for today.....4 vials at 2:30 and another 4 vials later tonight.
i did the ganirelix early this morning.

we go back tomorrow morning for one more check, and it looks like trigger will be at 8:30 tomorrow evening. i'm wicked excited to give myself a trigger shot in the middle of saturday night rush (have to work tomorrow night). that's gonna be pretty interesting. there is nothing more gross to me than a restaurant bathroom.....ew yuck.... it's totally worth it though...

Lining 10
Left ovary: 8 follies..... Dr D looked excited as he did my scan looking at the left ovary.... He said it looked really good!
18,15,15,15,12, plus more.
Right ovary: 1 follie. 17.4.

Started ganirelix on Tuesday.
They said probably done with bravelle. Will most likely start 525iu (7 vials!) menopur tonight.
Another ultrasound tomorrow to decide if we trigger Friday for Sunday retrieval or trigger Saturday for Monday retrieval. I would like to see us pushed to Monday retrieval so those follies can get a little bigger. :-)

Feeling ok today. Super bloated, but not so tired today.... Which is nice.

Grow follies Grow!!!!

moving right along

lining 4.5
left ovary: 7 follies: 14,14,12,12,11 & 2 smaller
right ovary is lazy: one at 15 and one not big enough to measure.

ganirelix to start soon.

have been doing 4 vials bravelle in the morning and 3 vials menopur in the evening.
retrieval will most likely be sunday or monday.

waiting on E2 and instructions

starting to feel a little bloated and pretty tired

hoping for a little more activity in the folicle department.

first day of stims

i can't believe we are finally here.... 2 months of bcp could make any girl go crazy. i thought we would never get here, but, here we are.....bravelle was this afternoon, after i got home from dr. d's. menopur is happening right after i post this. (not looking forward to the burn).

we are doing 300iu Bravelle and 225iu Menopur to start.

ultrasound was all clear.....i just wish i would stop AF bleeding already.

now that hubs has popped his injection cherry (PiO from our last cycle was the first time he gave me a shot) he is all about the shots....i however am not at all interested in him giving me a shot in the belly. i am happy to do it myself :)

all clear:edited

my asshole cyst (on my right ovary) is gone! well almost. it was a shriveled up little piece of nothing today. which means we are finally good to go!

last bcp will be on saturday morning, the 27th.
baseline ultrasound and cycle start on friday september 2nd.
lots of monitoring the week of the 5th.
last time i stimed for 8 days and this time my menopur and bravelle doeses are higher. which lead me to believe i will again stim for 8 days. which puts us at retrieval on monday, september 12. and transfer on saturday september 17. i have taken the whole week off work..... just in case.
i am so ready.

two bcp

i wish i had someone take a picture of me this morning when the nurse at dr. d's office told me to take 2 bcp each day for the next couple of days. i wish that i could have seen my reaction.

i wanted to throw a brick at her head!

seriously..... isn't it bad enough that i am on my fourth consecutive week of birth control pills. that i have been spotting since june 28th. (with the exception of the 5 days when i had my period.). that i am basically a stark raving lunatic at any given moment on any given day. TWO!! you want me to take TWO pills a day! i truly thought my head was going to spin around exorcist style.

please say a prayer for my dear hubs. please say a prayer that i make it through the craptastic-ness that is birth control pills.

there is good news though! the bcp have been doing their job. right side is looking much better...... only one cyst now and it is drastically smaller than it was a few weeks ago(20mm this morning) it is small enough for them to proceed, but they are throwing in an extra week of torture for good measure :-)

hopefully going to start meds around september 2nd.....retrival week of the 12th. i'm ready

birth control is the devil

first of all, the fact that i am taking bcp at all is rediculous. all i want is a baby.
i love going to the pharmacy to get my Rx for bcp and prenatals at the same time.... the poor pharmacist didn't know what to do..

second of all, i am a crazy psycho bitch right now.... i have been for a couple weeks. i doesn't take much to set me off. and when it happens, i am instantly yelling. (generally i am not a yeller. i am a libra. calm, cool, collected. i talk about things not yell). i am starting to feel bad for the hubs, as obviously he is taking the brunt of the bat shit craziness.
zero to bitch is happening faster than you can even count to one.

yesterday someone cut me off while driving and i almost got out of the car. i saw myself walk up to their window, bang like a psycho and then i saw myself scream obsenities while punching them in the face. i almost did it. instead i rolled down my window and called them names. but really, i wanted to get out of the car... i was to afraid the douchebag was going to have a gun and shoot me in the head....

i hate bcp.... i hate it.

i think i have like 10-12 more days.... hopefully i come out on the other end with all my hair still on my head, and a husband that still loves me.

getting started

for some reason, with every cycle we have had, the day that i set up delivery for our meds is the day that it feels real. so today it feels real.....ivf #3, here we come! may the 3rd time be a charm! (i am hoping and praying with everything in me that the third time is truly a charm).

the bcp's are making me crazy...... i HATE them the most out of all the meds..... for some reason i truly feel like the bcp are the absolute worst part.....luckily it's the first part and so much easier after they are done. my pack is over on friday....but i have to start on a new pack on saturday..... more craziness awaits! i kinda feel bad for the hubs because he feels the worst of the crazy time :) lucky for him, he is going away this weekend.... off to catch lobsters in the keys.... i hope he gets a lot!! i love love love florida lobsters!

our next ultrasound is scheduled for aug 16th..... then we will know what is going on with the giant cysts that opened up shop on my right ovary.....hopefully the bcp have sucked the life out of them and we can get this show on the road....if so, we will get our schedule that day, i hope. i believe dr. d wants me on bcp until the 23rd. perfect timing for AF to arrive for our little beach vacation the last weekend in august :)

3rd times a charm..... please!

cysts

two giant cysts.

one 42 mm one 38 mm. both on the right ovary.

they took blood, follow up ultrasound next week. if they are smaller, good. will proceed with ivf #3. if they stay the same size, or get bigger we will have them aspirated. it sounds painful.....hopefully it's no big deal.

bottom line..... ivf #3. still on! this will not slow us down! thank the lord!

other good news.... my ute looked BEAUTIFUL! as soon as the wand was in i could tell. maybe in a previous life i was an ultrasound tech, because even i could tell that it looked damn good! no tissue left over. she is ready for some beautiful embabies to find a nice home. :-)

can't believe it

i woke up yesterday feeling better than i have felt in weeks. it was nice. i wasn't bloated. i wasn't tired. i wasn't sad or uncomfortable. i was good.
i didn't really think anything about it.....until around 2 o'clock, when i went to the bathroom. there she was......AF!

i was shocked! i was at BF's house and she heard me in the bathroom talking to myself because i was so shocked.... i didn't expect AF for a while.... if at all. usually after treatments it takes FOREVER to get a period. i was expecting to call next week to get some provera, but there she was. i could have paid attention to all the signs.....clearly i had PMS.....i was such a bitch the last couple days. the bloat went away. and i look like a teenager with the breakout i got.

isn't it funny how IF makes you want to call everyone you know when AF comes....
it's really the strangest thing.....i was so excited i could have posted it on my FB wall.....clearly, i didn't.
BF already knew, so i had to call DH.....not sure why, but i felt like i should tell him. and i called dr. d's office.
the nurse was so excited!
i am to start BCP tomorrow....CD3. and we go in tuesday for ultrasound and cycle planning.
we are doing antagonist protocol (ganirelix)..... so i went back and looked at what my last cycle looked like.
30 days after i started BCP we had retrieval.....
It's crazy! i was not expecting that! but i'm wicked excited about it.....
ready to get this show on the road

3rd times a charm.......i hope

ivf nurse called this morning.... all in a tizzy. she was back from 2 weeks vacation, and catching up on everything that happened while she was gone. she got the ball rolling for ivf #3.
- bloodwork for DH
- day 3 bloodwork and thyroid pannel (i asked for this to be included) for me
- bcp rx called in
- meds will be ordered tomorrow
- i am to call when AF shows up. if she doesn't show by wednesday next week they will order provera to get the show on the road.
- i was given oreders to not leave south florida in late august and all of september

i am ready!
well, i would like to loose a few pounds, but other than that i am ready to move forward.
hopefully AF will help me loose a few pounds, the bloat is pretty bad.

this is gonna be the one.