my new calendar

i bought a new calendar yesterday. usually i get one for christmas, i hang it up and never think twice.
but yesterday i went out and planned to get a calendar.... it was exciting to pick out my own.
this calendar is beautiful. and has very girly pictures. so girly that DH asked what i was going to do with it.
so i sat down with my 2009 calendar and copied all the birthdays, anniversaries and so on. (i used 2009 because i didn't even bother with writing down any special dates for 2010, i just didn't care) and as i scanned through each month, i remembered 2010.....
march 16, march 17, may 9, may 21, june 4, june 9, june 20, june 25, june 28, sept 24...... life changing days.

i have always been one of those people who don't remember the date when something bad has happened. like the day that someone died. i don't remember those days. i know there are a lot of people that do, i guess it's like some sort of sub-conscious self preservation thing. it has always been good for me. but this year, those dates just stick. i don't know if they will ever leave my mind. and the vivid memories of each day..... they are here with me now.

and then i thought about what 2011 will bring..... i looked at the pictures for each month and they made me smile. they made me so hopeful. april and august are my favorite pictures...... i hope they bring great dates to remember!

someone posted on FB today: "What is the one word that describes what you want 2011 to be?"

i didn't write my response but only one word came to mind...... fertile :)

what is your word??

hope

i don't think it is possible to completely erase TTC from my brain. i mean really we have been doing it for so long that it happens to just be part of the routine.

i get alerts regarding my cycle via mymonthlycycles.com. they email me when i am about to ovulate, and also when AF is on her way. i have been using this website to track AF for ever..... before we got married i started using it to make sure i didn't get knocked up (if i only knew).
also, to say we are not trying is not completely true. i mean we aren't taking any precautions.
i think it would be crazy to not at least do what we can.

so i get the email about ovulation, which after 47 cycles is usually pretty close to accurate, and then we do our part :) i know this is not an exact...... i am not using opk's. i am not tracking my temp. i am not doing anything that would actually confirm an ovulation, but really, by this point i kinda know what my body is telling me....

and then i sort of forget about it. until around CD 24.

today is CD 26. i got an email this morning saying that AF should be showing her head tomorrow. (also, usually pretty accurate, when my body is not pumped full of fertility drugs)
i don't know if she is coming..... i have felt a little crampy. there is just a little part of me that is worried i haven't been taking a prenatal and i have had a couple drinks this week. a little shred of hope that would love to surprise DH when he gets home from Chicago on saturday with a miracle positive.

i know there isn't much of a chance...... but i can't not hope.