i'm back!

i have missed you all so much!!  i have decided i will continue my story here.  its so crazy to be here and on the other side.  i have so much to update.  i want to catch you all up.

my last post was about a cleanse i did last summer.  well the cleanse went well.  i stayed gluten, sugar, dairy, egg, soy, caffeine, alcohol and corn free for like 30 days..... when my nutritionist hooked me up to a crazy machine after the cleanse she was able to tell me my cells were healthier.  (i can't remember details, but that was the gist.)  it was much easier than i thought it would be, i felt great at the end, and i am actually planning to do it again after the new year.

during the cleanse last summer we contemplated other doctors.  i was feeling like my local doctor, Dr. D., was starting to treat me like a dart board.  just throwing needles out there....maybe something will stick.  i wasn't really into that.  so we decided to talk to a few other docs.  i scheduled a phone consult with the doc in las vegas.  Dr. Sh.er.  and i also set up an appointment with the closest local baby factory.
the las vegas doctor was interesting.  i chose him as he specializes in RPL.  so we did phone consults, ran blood work (everything under the sun was tested on me and the hubs), and after about a month he called me and said i would never be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant without doing IViG treatment.

ok.

at the same time we were also consulting with the local baby factory.  man, this place is a factory.  there  are like 10 RE's under one roof.  well, 6 roofs, as they have offices all over south florida.  i chose one of the medical directors and founders of the clinic.  he has a glowing reputation in south florida.  we did the consult.  Dr. H., of course, wanted to run all the labs again, so we did.  i was completely drained of blood in the month of july..... i think between both doctors i had been drained of like 30 vials of blood..... whatever.  the things we do....right?  anyway, after all the testing we went back, AMH was better than previous testing, hubs was showing a little bit of a sperm issue (sorry don't remember the details) other than that we were still inconclusive.  so dr. h says, "i don't know jes, we can try it again if you want."

yeah.

thats what he said.

welcome september iclw'ers!!!

welcome iclw er's!!

i love iclw......because i love comments, and even more i truly get excited for each new follower i have!!

for my bloggy friends who have been following me.... thank you for everything!! your support and positive words have lifted me up and made this ride easier. i feel so very luck to have you in my life! xoxox

for new visitor's.....i hope you stick around! :D my happily ever after is coming!

a few things you should know about me.......

1. i'm not really a fan of capitalization. i usually only type in lowercase, sorry if this bothers you.

2. i love punctuation!!! i might use it wrong...... sorry if this also bothers you.

3. i love my husband more than he could ever know. i feel lucky to have such an amazing man standing by my side everyday.

4. started TTC in january 2009. began seeing RE #1, Dr. D in january of 2010. 2 natural cycle iui's....both BFN. ivf #1....positive beta, chemical pregnancy with rising betas..... treated as an ectopic with a methotrexate shot. went to RE # 2 in july 2010, Dr. Mumbles. ivf #2....cancelled..... two follies big enough to retrieve, other follies too small.

5. after 22 months solid of TTC i had become a shell of the person i used to be. i had alienated
myself from the world. i had gained 30 pounds. i became unable to sleep through the night. i stopped pushing myself towards a better job. i stopped doing things that made me happy. i was miserable.

6. i took six months off from october 2010-april of this year. i need to find me; the old me. i dug my soul out of the ditch that i had thrown it into. i have regained friendships. i have come out of the IF closet to most people in my life (everyone but work people). i lost 25 pounds!! i actually feel good about myself.

7. in april of this year we went back to RE #1, Dr.D for a frozen cycle. and we got PREGNANT!!! i was so happy. the first beta was low... 46. i was terrified. beta number 2 jumped high.... i will never forget that phone call. they said, "you are definitly pregnant!, my beta was 289. and then it rose again 701. i was over the moon. and completely terrified.

8. our first ultrasound revealed 1 gestational sac.... we didn't see anything else, and i knew it was over. dr. d sent us home and said it was too early to worry..... we were going to wait a few days and have another scan..... be positive. yeah right
a week later it was over....blighted ovum. empty sac. my d&c was scheduled on our 3rd wedding anniversary..

9. i picked up the pieces and got back on the saddle.

10. currently we are in the 2ww of ivf #3. i was on bcp for almost 2 months because of cysts on my right ovary. once they dissappeared we got started.... 7 days of stims. egg retrieval went great.... 8 eggs. 7 fertilized. the eighth was an empty zona. and on thursday, september 15th we transfered 2 perfect day 3 embryos. i am praying every day for my miracle.

11. i am feeling pretty good... i am working on my 2ww goals.
a. no stress
b. no POAS- i POAS like mad during ivf #1.... and it was no good. all it did was stress me out and make dh mad. so, since then, we don't even keep pee sticks in the house.... thats what beta's are for.
c. no dr. google. this is most difficult for me. google is like an addiction. i google EVERYTHING!!!!

12. i used to think women who blogged about infertility were a little crazy.....with all the abbreviations, and crazy sad stories. my husband urged me to start blogging because he thought it would be good for me.

i never could have known how special this place would become for me. i never could have known that the women i have never met could mean so much to me. i never could have known i would call these people my "friends". i never could have known this would be the best place for me to share some of my deepest darkest thoughts and feelings. this community is amazing!!!

i am feeling so lucky that iclw is happening during the hardest days of the 2WW. i am so happy i will be able to have you ladies to share my story with! and to occupy my mind and keep me from going crazy :D

thanks so much for stopping by...... i hope you stick around to follow my story because it will have a happy ending! all i want is to be a mom. its all i ever wished for.......

Welcome November ICLW!

Hello!! Thanks for stopping by!
I love visitors!!

So here's the story.....

Me: 31. Dx: Doctor #1 = Cervical Stenosis Doctor #2 = Unexplained. Either way, i don't really care what the diagnosis is.... would just like to get off this ride. started TTC January 2009. started seeing an RE January 2010. 2 IUI's = BFN, IVF #1 = chemical, treated as an ectopic, IVF #2 = Canceled. Right now we are on a break. partially because we are waiting for insurance benefits to kick in, but mostly so i don't rip each and every hair out of my head. i needed a mental health break :D We have 2 day five beautiful and perfect blasts on ice, just need some time to get back to me.

DH: 32. No Issues. Amazing. Supportive. Perfect. He will be the most amazing dad ever. When I realized how amazing a father he would be, I decided this was the man that I will marry.

Now we are saving money, and getting healthy..... in a mind, body and soul kind of way. and praying to get through the holidays without too much drama! :D

Here is my extra long story if you are interested....

Basically, all i ever wished for is to be a mom.
Thanks for stopping by! come back soon!

life goes on....

there are things happening in my world, i am sorry i haven't posted about them.
but this is also a good start for ICLW, my very first. if this is your first visit to my blog, Welcome!!
If not, thank you so much for your support.....and sorry, this is a long post :D


first, some background info:
From 2001 until 2009 I worked for the same restaurant company. 8 years. from the time i was 21 until the time i was 29. my entire adult life. i started out as an hourly employee, working my way through college; hosting, serving, bar tending.

after i graduated from college, i had no idea what i wanted to do.... after a few months i got bored.... i mean for 5 years i was busy. i was working to support myself, partying like you are supposed to in college, and of course going to school. my plate was full. so after a couple months with no school, i got bored. my boss at the time thought i should work on a management development program. i liked my boss, i trusted him, so i did it. after a couple months i was offered a position as a full time restaurant manager. not something i ever wanted to do. but i figured this would be a learning experience like none other. to learn about business..... (my bachelors is in social psychology... i knew NOTHING about running a business) so i accepted the position.

i began working hard. as soon as i was out of training i knew this job was kind of fun. and i loved learning about the business. i wanted a promotion, i worked hard and i got promoted after a year. i was asked to go to other restaurants within the company to help, to make them better. i did everything asked of me and more. i was having fun. making money. and getting positive feedback. i didn't even care about the 60 hour work week.

after about 2 and a half years i was moved to a restaurant that had lots of problems. the entire management team was let go, i was put there with a director of operations to clean up the restaurant, and train new managers to take over. things got crazy, i was working 14 hour days, 7 days a week, i was overwhelmed and felt unappreciated. i got tired and angry. i started to really not like my job.

then, i was transferred back to my old store.... it was good and bad. good because i wouldn't be working so much..... bad because it didn't matter were i was, i was over it. i had had enough.

i looked for other jobs, not very actively. i worked with a recruiter occasionally, did a couple interviews, but nothing really looked interesting to me.

DH knew i was miserable, and also knew i was ready for a baby. we decided to stick it out. i would stay at my current job until we had a baby, take advantage of the benefits and sick/vacation time i had. and then i would stop working. we started trying in january 2009.
in february 2009 we moved out of our tiny apartment and into a beautiful home. 3 bedrooms, plenty of room to start a family. i was happy. i had taken a vacation the week we moved, it was just easier.

the day i went back to work after vacation, we had a meeting. usually a normal thing, no big deal, monday was always meeting day.... sometimes vp's came and sometimes they didn't.
when we saw the HR girl, we knew. They had decided to close our restaurant.
7 managers would be laid off. they were not offering positions in other restaurants.
after the meeting i called DH, he was happy. happy for me, that i no longer would be working in a job i desperately hated..... happy i would be able to take some time off...... happy that i might get back to my old self.

really, it's the swift kick i needed. so i wouldn't be stuck in a job i hated going no where.

i took a few months off. no work, just relaxing.... it was great... i decided i was going to get a job as a waitress and go back to school.... PERFECT!! I was going to get my Masters. Awesome!!

I easily got a waitress job. i called my old boss, the one who got me into management in the first place..... he hired me instantly. this was last july. I realize now with all the stress i was under the chance of getting pregnant was slim to none. but we moved forward.

TTC.

i decided that i wanted to get pregnant more than i wanted to go back to school. so we focused all our energy on just that. by september, 9 months of TTC, i was a mess. in october i decided there was a problem, we were going to have to seek help in getting pregnant.
i knew my health benefits from my old job were amazing, but i didn't realize how amazing they were until i called to find out about infertility benefits. when they said those words i almost passed out "lifetime maximum: unlimited" Really??? Seriously???
So we got an RE.
I explained the situation. I am on COBRA. My benefits run out in early november, that gives us 10 months to get pregnant. Dr. D was on board and ready.

HSG. Bloodwork 2 IUI's... BFN. Laparoscapy, hysteroscopy, and D & C. After the second BFN, DH and I decided we were moving on. IVF. I mean why not, it's covered, lets do it. no wasting time.
We did it. The meds were no big deal, everything was covered. i was excited and nervous. i started blogging to find others who know what it feels like.
Beta # 1: Positive Beta...26!!!
Beta # 2: 76!!!!

Then it got ugly.

Beta # 3: 75 (not viable, stopped all meds)
Beta # 4: Tracking beta back to zero.... came back at 261
Beta # 5: 354
Beta # 6: 261
eventually it was treated as an ectopic, and i got a shot..... finally it was over.

So it's now july. i am not pregnant. i am in a going no where job. and i am loosing health benefits in 4 months. i started thinking about my options.
We decided to try one more IVF. We had two embabies frozen, but we decided to do a fresh cycle. I had to look at things from a money perspective.

If we did a frozen cycle in August, would we have enough time to do a fresh cycle after and get it all done before the beginning of november if we had to.

or

we could do a fresh cycle, stim hard. get as many embryo's as we can, hope for the BFP, but still have frozen embies left if it didn't work.

Bottom line: Frozen cycles are much cheaper than fresh.
Because our first RE was insistent on a frozen cycle we went to a new doctor. Our new RE would do a fresh cycle. All was good.

meanwhile, i had started thinking about my job options.
Option 1: i could stay where i am at. buy private healthcare, save money, and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 2: i could look for a new job, a management job. Benefits included, better pay. but working a 55-65 hour work week. save and pay for fertility treatments on our own.
Option 3: swallow my pride. call my old job, and see if they will hire me back at an hourly position. Amazing benefits, fertility treatments included, 25 hours a week, low pay, but still enough to be saving.

DH and i talked it out.....really, it was not a hard decision....the hardest part was taking the first step and calling them. so now, for the last three weeks i have been working for my former employer. i am a hostess. i make ok money at an hourly rate. i have to maintain 25 hours a week to be eligible for health benefits in 6 months. but after that 6 months i will have the same coverage that i had before.
lifetime maximum for fertility treatments: unlimited.
it was a no brainer. i just had to get over my ego.

if someone had told me 10 years ago that this is where i would be today, i would have been so sad. but today, who i am is so very different. today i am making the decisions i need to. the decisions that will get me to my dream job.....a mom.

CD 2

That's right.... She's here.

Baseline scan this morning.

AFC = 8. Not the best number... but it might be 10.
E2 = 46

Handed in all consents as well as $$. We are on the way.....

Retrieval sometime the week of the 27th.

Hopefully we get a whole bunch of beautiful embabies to freeze.

Dr. Mumbles was not to happy to hear that we will not be doing a transfer, as his fresh success rate is much higher than the frozen. Oh well. I was disappointed too.

just waiting

waiting for AF.... come on lady!! let's get this show on the road!!

Lupron

I don't like Lupron. It makes me hot and extra cranky.

a new plan

ok blog friends..... i have been meaning to share for a while.
i guess i feel like if i type it for all of you to see, than it's the real truth.

it's bad,

and good i guess.

so, as i have mentioned before, i am currently the proud owner of AMAZING health coverage. everything is covered...... i mean EVERYTHING. (Our IVF in May cost out of pocket $1600. that included all meds, copays, freezing of embryo's and storage for a year, ICSI, EVERYTHING)

don't hate me.....my coverage is no longer mine as of november 7th. it's really sad.... i know.

so DH and I have been doing everything in our power to get me knocked up before Nov 7th. until a few weeks ago....... I found out that i will not be eligible for coverage at my work. No group coverage!! (DH's plan is very cost prohibitive)

So basically, I am now shopping for an individual plan. An individual plan with maternity coverage. These are difficult to find. So far I have found one company that is offering maternity coverage in Florida.

This has put a wrench in our plans to get knocked up. Because I can't be knocked up and then get maternity health care coverage. I have to get maternity healthcare coverage, wait the grace period, and then get knocked up.

the day this news came to me was a bad one..... i was beside myself... i was a mess.

DH came home to find the mess that i was.... i explained the situation. and he was fine. he says "Well we will do the IVF, stim, do the retreival, and freeze all the embryos."

Of course!!

because i had become an insane person i did not think of this, but thank god i have such an amazing man who can make it all better just like that.
realistically, we can't afford to do what we have been doing. Obviously IVF is expensive. But FET, that is much more realistic. $10,000 vs $2500. Really. A no brainer.

So thats the plan.

We are doing the first part of the IVF cycle. hopefully we will get lots of mature eggs, fertilize those eggs, and freeze a crap load of embabies!!

I was a mess. but i think it is getting better. i am looking forward to a real break.
I am going to look for a new job, i am going to get in shape, I am going to work on getting back the old me. the happier me. And we are going to save a crap load of money!!

FET = Sometime in 2011.

that's the plan.

late

today is cycle day 26...... my period was due today.

not a single sign of AF.

no sore breasts, no chocolate cravings (well i always want chocolate, but no intense cravings), no headache, no bitchiness, NADA.

when i spoke to the ivf nurse today she asked if we tried this month to get pregnant. I said emphatically "No"
but when i got off the phone i thought about it. we weren't trying. but we weren't not trying. i wasn't paying attention at all.

if i don't get AF by friday, maybe i might POAS. or maybe i will go in for a beta. i hate to POAS, it makes me crazy.

less than 1

YAY!!

Beta= < 1

I wasn't supposed to have a beta today, but i woke up bleeding. the bleeding caught me off guard, and i got a little nervous. i called and ask to come in for a beta just to make sure everything was the way it should be.

Now.

More Waiting.

Tick Tock

Tick Tock

advice please! need some opinions!!

i am very blessed. i am blessed to have health insurance that is amazing. my insurance has full coverage for infertility. with an unlimited lifetime maximum.
before you all hunt me down and beat me with tire irons, please know that my health insurance will no longer be covering me as of november 7, 2010. with the end of my coverage coming soon, and not enough $$$ to pay for fertility (ivf) treatments on our own, i have an unbelievable sense of urgency to take advantage of every minute of coverage that i have.

as of today, we have 2 frozen embryos ready to go. i also have 4 months to get as much done as possible. i am still waiting for AF before i can do anything. it's killing me. i feel like time is wasting.

when we went in for our failed ivf follow up, dh and i asked dr. d about the potential of doing a fresh ivf cycle next. a cycle where we would do stims harder to create more follicles, and therefore maximize the number of potential embryos available before my coverage runs out. we wanted to do this as FET cycles are significantly cheaper than a fresh ivf cycle.
dr. d did not want to do this. he said, "this is just how it's done." and followed up with, "you should have plenty of time to get in a frozen and fresh cycle before november 7th."
sounded good to us.
but now, as i have not gotten a period yet, the clock continues to tick..... tick tock... will we have time for two more cycles??? first a frozen then a fresh??

and then, i got a letter in the mail today from dr. d's office...... letters are always about money....if they wanted to talk to me about anything else, it would have been in person. so, i was not so excited to open the letter.

the letter said, "as a result of increasing costs and declining insurance reimbursements, we are now requiring patients with insurance coverage for ivf to place a deposit equal to 50% of the standard fees for services rendered...."

we don't have that money.

so now what???

i am thinking maybe i should check out some other clinics in the area..... as the clock ticks on, maybe i can find a doctor who would be happy to accept my insurance for another fresh cycle before it runs out, and then worry about frozen cycles after we make some more embies.

i really do like dr.d's office. i really don't want to switch. i love the nurses, they know me and my crazy quirks. but maybe this is a sign. a sign that i should at least check out my options, and take advantage of the insurance.

bloggers please if you have advice, today i need it!!!!

i'm cured

dr. d called yesterday while hubs and i were planting an herb garden..... beta was 15. so, "your cured", he said. it was funny.

now a break.

thank. god.
i really need a break.

m is for methotrexate

That's right, i am being sent to the cancer center at my local hospital for a little methotrexate.

There is no sign of pregnancy any where in my uterus, which unfortunately means this is being considered an ectopic pregnancy. YUCK!! i just don't like the sound of that.
so we decided to make things quick and easy, a little shot will get rid of the problem. sounds good to me. i am ready to move on. i dealt with the loss and the heartache of the IVF not working over 2 weeks ago, i am over it. i am looking forward. i have seen pictures of my two beautiful blastocysts on ice and i am ready for them. i hope they are ready for me!!!

dr. d's office does not administer these shots, so he is sending me to the closest place that does! when he explained to me where we were going he said, "you are going to the cancer center, but don't worry, you don't have cancer, so just accept it and move on." for some reason his was extremely funny to me.

he called to have them schedule me for the shot for tomorrow morning. they couldn't squeeze me in. this is strange and annoying to me. really? you can't squeeze me in for a shot?? even though my doctor has asked you to?? so whatever, tuesday morning we will check out of our hotel in beautiful key west, and drive like the wind to make it to my 2pm appt. No problem. At least i can enjoy my weekend away without any random side effects. I will not be anywhere near google looking up any info about the shot until our drive home, thanks to my trusty iphone. :D

I AM DETERMINED TO HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND.

After all, we are going away to celebrate our 2nd wedding anniversary!! YAY!!

today= ultrasound and decision making time.
friday's beta was 356
monday's beta was 261
yesterday's beta was 276
when nurse m called yesterday to tell me it went back up, i couldn't even control myself. i said, "what the fuck!!" this made nurse m hysterical. i am getting to the point where the fluctuating beta's are comical. like really, this is ridiculous.

so, back to see dr. d today. i guess we have to decide on how to get rid of my empty placenta. (this is what i have been calling it)
not to excited about my options.

i am however excited that tomorrow morning we are leaving for key west!!! yay!! god do i need to get out of this town. on monday i asked nurse m to get with dr. d about my vacation.
3 questions
1. can i drink?
2. can i have sex???
3. can i go on a boat?

nurse m immediately responded with "As long as you do all 3 together!!" I love that girl <3

so dr. d called later that day to find out what was going on, if i had fallen off the IF wagon.
I think nurse m forgot to mention the whole going away part. dr. d. said I could enjoy myself, but not to party like i am at a frat party, as i may still get nausea from the empty placenta. (not his words)
YAY!!! i am so excited to get away and relax, party a little, and have some fun.
and maybe i will do all 3 together!! :D

will this cycle ever end

ok, so thursday i had to go in for a beta. they wanted to track my beta down to zero. i was annoyed. i mean, i understand, but it's still annoying. your not pregnant, but, lets keep doing blood tests to make sure.

i was expecting a call from nurse M. thats my girl, i love nurse m! so when i picked up the phone and heard dr. d's voice, i knew it wasn't going to be good.

my beta came back at 261.
ugh.
really. this is not what i wanted to hear
(most women in my situation would love to hear about a beta of 261. but not at 30dp3dt. this is beta #4. 261 is not a good number.)

so dr. d said it could be a couple things:

1. best case scenario: beta is on the way back down. i had passed some tissue and had major cramping over the weekend. so thinking and hoping this is what it was.

2. some placental tissue attached to my uterus that is continuing to grow. this is gross.

3. ectopic pregnancy. NO FUN!!!

he asked that i come in monday for more bloodwork and an ultrasound, so that we could track my beta's and see what is going on. and then i told him that i was having major cramping all day. painful, like my worst period cramping. dr. d then suggested i go in friday instead of waiting the weekend.

so yesterday i woke up with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. off to see dr. d.
as soon as we got to the office, the waterworks began. nurse m gave me the look my bestie gives me when there is nothing to say. i love her. as soon as i sat down for bloodwork, she told me we were going to do an ultrasound, and then chat with dr. d. YUCK. i mean i love dr. d, but it was said in that, "i'm sorry but there is a problem" kind of way. YUCK.

as soon as dr.d walked into the ultrasound room, i became hysterical. this is the first time that i have cried in front of dr. d. he was great about it. i love him.

ultrasound revealed a small cyst on left ovary. thats it. dr. d said everything looked good. he also said he does not believe that it is an ectopic. god i hope not. he said we will continue to track the situation, back on monday for another beta.

beta number five, still going up. i was so upset i didn't even ask for a number.

this whole situation is ridiculous. i am upset, and sad. i am sad because i am not pregnant. but i am mostly upset. upset because, if i had just gotten my period like every other month, the BFN would not be so painful. the fact that this is being drawn out, into some strange gynecological drama, makes it so much worse. i would just like a period please. i don't even care if it is a bad period. just a period. bring it on AF!!

i just feel alone. i don't think there is anyone out there who can say anything to make me feel better today. i hate that feeling.

follow up beta

this makes me angry.
i woke up angry this morning, and now 4 hours later, i am still angry.
i had to go in today for a beta to make sure my hcg is going back down to zero. a shot at the infertile, a stomp on my heart.

can't we just move on.

i hate IF!

prepping for the follow up

i scheduled the ivf follow up appt for monday morning at 8:30am.

this is probably crazy. i thought several times about changing the appointment, but really, lets just get it over with. i would like to get the answers i need, and move on. i don't want to be thinking about all the what if's for any more time.
so this morning, i made breakfast for my amazing husband, and now have been prepping for the "www appt"
i have a lot of questions. i have written them all down, and i plan to run through the list and get answers. dr. d may want to kill me after tomorrow. :D
there were a lot of questions i had throughout the cycle that i didn't ask. probably because i think that i know how to keep myself from going absolutely insane...
questions i did not ask throughout this ivf cycle include egg and embryo quality. i think that this could have made things worse if i knew while it was going on, no matter if the news is good or bad.
we plan to move forward with another ivf cycle. i have insurance coverage which pays for everything. i mean everything. unfortunately, my insurance coverage is over on november 7th. i will be loosing the best insurance on the face of the planet, so,we would like to fully take advantage while we can.

not viable

numb.....

the beta went down. "not a viable pregnancy"
those words sound so terrible.
i think i let my hopes get too high after monday's beta went well.
when i was leaving the doctors office today the receptionist asked if i was keeping my hopes up.... that was when i started to doubt that today's beta would be good. SHIT!
dr. d said i would be getting my period, and also might feel a little depressed....well obviously i might feel depressed! SHIT!
back to the drawing board.

YAY!!

IT WENT UP!!!!

76

Holy moly!! I am so excited!!

today i am pregnant

today i am pregnant, but tomorrow i might not be.

pregnancy gray area is not really fun. for people who have never worn these shoes it is positive or negative, there is no maybe you are pregnant....especially after a blood test.

so, 26. that was my beta on friday at 17 dpo..... who knows what tomorrow will hold.
i think i will be more surprised if it is a climb in the right direction, than if it is a negative.

this is the first time i have ever been pregnant in my life.... wow. that's crazy. but it could be quickly taken away from me tomorrow.